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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex H not paying maintenance

33 replies

Hol12 · 29/04/2025 13:57

Afternoon,

Background info on situation. Ex H & I split over 3 years ago, divorced around 18 months ago. We have 2 DD 14 and 9. After some initial teething problems finding a routine that suited us all we settled on 50/50 with the girls and things went fairly smoothly until late last year. DD9 was unhappy going to Dad's on his weekdays as he works long ish hours and she doesnt get on with SM who was looking after her after school until Dad got home. After a lot of upset from DD we finally agreed that she would stay with me on all weekdays and go to Dad's every other weekend. Ex was unhappy with this and took a lot of perusasion but but eventually agreed for the sake of her happiness in November 2024. I never asked for child maintenance from him based on the fact it was not his choice and he hoped it would be temporary. However we're now 5 months in and DD is very happy with how things are and doesn't want to change back to original arrangements. I decided to ask Ex for a small financial contribution based on the fact that I have her 80% of the time. He has gone absolutely mad, shocked at my request, can't believe I've asked and it's an absolute no, he has the children this coming weekend and he's saying he's going to talk to DD and she will be going back to him 50/50 as per original arrangement.
Im really upset that he's willing to put money before DD's feelings. Does she have any rights at 9 years old to have her views validated?
For context, DD14 still happy enough to go to Dad's although also doesn't get on with SM, she does a hobby both weekdays they are at Dad's so doesn't affect her as much.
I live in the village where DD goes to school, I am at home every day after school. She can walk to friends houses, park etc with friends. Dad does only live 5/10 minute drive away but she doesn't have friends there.

AIBU- because it wasn't his choice and he would like her 50/50 I shouldn't have asked?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hol12 · 29/04/2025 14:00

Just to add he is a good Dad, does lots with them, buys clothes etc. I also get all the child benefit for both children, he briefly complained about this a couple of years ago to which i told him to contact child benefit to see if they could split it but he never did...

OP posts:
MellowPinkDeer · 29/04/2025 14:00

You’re not unreasonable. He is. Things have changed. Go to the CMs direct and hopefully that will move things along.

ThejoyofNC · 29/04/2025 14:01

Just go to CMS.

Zanatdy · 29/04/2025 14:43

Tell him you won’t be returning to that arrangement and if he is willing to upset his DD over money then he’s a knob. Go to the CMS.

Fireandflames · 29/04/2025 15:14

CMS. He is completely is the wrong and is being selfish putting money above his child's needs.

PositiveLife · 29/04/2025 15:30

Fwiw I was in a similar situation (although it was the oldest child so a little bit older than yours). CMS were actually helpful with this. They said as it had been amicable until that point that they could log my call and suggest he rings them to discuss...they advised him it was better to pay it amicably so that if she changes her mind next week, it can revert right away, through them it'll take months to do a recalculation and stuff.

You still have the option to claim through them if he doesn't ring or doesn't listen to them.

PetrovaRabbit · 29/04/2025 15:42

Is the problem that he doesn’t want to spend more money or that he doesn’t like the idea of the money going to you?
Obviously he should be paying you child support based on number of nights spent at years to help reflect the increased costs of having her with you for dinner, showers, general household wear and tear and all that. But if he would willingly take on some other expense of hers, or the full amount of it rather than half of it, then that might have the same effect on your finances and keep your co-parenting relationship happier.
Could be her bus pass or school lunches, or club/activity fees. Wrap round care fees is she goes, or holiday program fees if you use them to allow you to work in the school holidays.

IamGrout · 29/04/2025 15:53

Go to CMS and tell him no to going back to 50/50. You will do what is best for DD9 and that is weekdays at yours.

Original poster
Hol12 · 29/04/2025 16:17

PositiveLife · 29/04/2025 15:30

Fwiw I was in a similar situation (although it was the oldest child so a little bit older than yours). CMS were actually helpful with this. They said as it had been amicable until that point that they could log my call and suggest he rings them to discuss...they advised him it was better to pay it amicably so that if she changes her mind next week, it can revert right away, through them it'll take months to do a recalculation and stuff.

You still have the option to claim through them if he doesn't ring or doesn't listen to them.

That's really helpful thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Hol12 · 29/04/2025 16:22

PetrovaRabbit · 29/04/2025 15:42

Is the problem that he doesn’t want to spend more money or that he doesn’t like the idea of the money going to you?
Obviously he should be paying you child support based on number of nights spent at years to help reflect the increased costs of having her with you for dinner, showers, general household wear and tear and all that. But if he would willingly take on some other expense of hers, or the full amount of it rather than half of it, then that might have the same effect on your finances and keep your co-parenting relationship happier.
Could be her bus pass or school lunches, or club/activity fees. Wrap round care fees is she goes, or holiday program fees if you use them to allow you to work in the school holidays.

I'm not 100% sure why, I think just the fact that he didn't want it to be this way and possibly the fact that i get the child benefit for both girls. Like I say he does buy her things, he's generally not tight and things like school uniform, school trips etc we go halves on. I can't see him agreeing to taking all that cost on since he seems to disagree that he should be 'helping me out' at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Hol12 · 29/04/2025 16:23

IamGrout · 29/04/2025 15:53

Go to CMS and tell him no to going back to 50/50. You will do what is best for DD9 and that is weekdays at yours.

Thank you, I'm just wondering if what she wants would be taken into account? Because he is very much willing to have her, but it's not what makes her happy

OP posts:
sunshinewithoutrainbows · 29/04/2025 16:30

To keep it amicable could you suggest he sends a weekly food shop and toiletry to your house for the kids to an amount of like £100 (obviously I don’t know how much he earns) but if that’s a no then could he agree to pay for all clubs against to the equivalent of what cms would be. That way he doesn’t feel like it’s going to you and you have ‘proof’ that the money is going on the kids not you so he can’t resent you? If not then straight to CMS and deal with the fallout?

some people will say this is ridiculous and just go for CMS but you have a long time left co-parenting with him so may be worth a try to keep it amicable ?

ShakeNvacStevens · 29/04/2025 16:40

How much would maintenance be vs how much your ex contributes towards school uniform, school trips etc? Just something to consider because if you go down the maintenance route then that's all he'll be obliged to pay.

As to what your DD wants, assuming you're in England/Wales there's no set age as to when a child's wishes are taken into account but the older they are, the more consideration they're given. Legally a 9yo might still be considered a bit on the young side to be making those decisions against a parent's wishes, IME more weight seems to be given when they're around 12/13, or at the very least high school age.

toomuchfaff · 29/04/2025 18:33

If its purely a money thing (him not wanting to give you money), then see if he can take some more of the children's outgoings for things, more of the cost of uniforms etc.

To be fair, your bills are not going to massively increase by having your children at home an extra 2 days, and you do get the CB, so it makes sense to see if he can pick up 80/20 on some expenses?

Original poster
Hol12 · 30/04/2025 08:15

All good ideas thank you very much

OP posts:
Newbutoldfather · 30/04/2025 08:33

It is a tricky one. If he is going 50/50 in all major outgoings, is cooking a little extra when she is there that expensive? You would probably have the heating and hot water on anyway.

As he left you with all the child benefit when it was 50/50, you were definitely doing better out of the arrangement before. And is the CB not enough to pay for the extra food?

I am not sure you were right to grant a 9 year old’s request to vary the 50/50 without at least trying to get her to stick to it. 9 is quite young.

You also need to think how you would feel if either of your daughters requested to live with your ex the majority or all the time (which might yet happen). Would you accede without argument and pay maintenance?

BlueMorpho · 30/04/2025 08:41

Hol12 · 29/04/2025 16:23

Thank you, I'm just wondering if what she wants would be taken into account? Because he is very much willing to have her, but it's not what makes her happy

Show quote history

Yes your DD absolutely has the right to have her wishes taken into account. If it were to go to court and a child arrangement order put in place the judge would also listen to your DD views. Your ex is being totally unreasonable and you can bet it's all to do with not wanting to give you any money. As others have said you could ask him to pay the equivalent of the calculated maintenance for things for your DD to smooth things over, but you're not obliged to.

TealSapphire · 30/04/2025 09:12

CMS all the way. If you went the way of him paying for other things, he can decide to just stop at any time.

And yes, your costs will go up for those extra days. I know when my ex stopped having the kids (he was having them four nights a fortnight) my costs did go up considerably.

CarrotVan · 30/04/2025 09:25

Can he not pay for her to go to afterschool club on his days to limit the amount of time being looked after by the stepmother? It sounds like there should be compromise all round

1SillySossij · 30/04/2025 09:32

The truth is neither of you are putting your dd's feelings above money otherwise you would not be fighting over it.

fallinlovenothate · 30/04/2025 10:02

Hol12 · 29/04/2025 14:00

Just to add he is a good Dad, does lots with them, buys clothes etc. I also get all the child benefit for both children, he briefly complained about this a couple of years ago to which i told him to contact child benefit to see if they could split it but he never did...

Im always confused when people try and say oh they're a good parent in situations like this, He only sees her 4 days a month that's not exactly a great dad........ I'd just go through CMS and save the hassle

BookArt55 · 30/04/2025 10:17

This is a tricky one because if you have an amicable relationship it is hard to rock the boat. But i think you've dealt with it in the best way you can. You listened to your daughter and initially encouraged her to go, then spoke to dad about her concerns and trialled something that does work for your daughter with the aim of encouraging her to go back to 50/50. You have listened to your daughter and she likes it how it is, you've waited 6months ish before raising CMS and to make sure that the new plans sticks. What else could you do?
I think suggestions above about him paying for certain bills might help to keep things amicable as much as this possibly can.
I would say that if he took you to court CAFCASS would speak to your daughter, they are the voice of the child in court. This happened in my situation but my children are much, much younger. Your daughter's wishes would be listened too but she would need to be confident enough to share these views with the cafcass officer, a stranger really, abd usually they would do this without another adult in the room. Not saying it would go that far. However I think it is great that your daughter feels confident to share her opinions, and that daughter isn't saying she doesn't want to spend time with dad. She is in fact saying she does want to spend time with dad, she doesn't want to spend alone time with dad's partner.

1SillySossij · 30/04/2025 10:21

fallinlovenothate · 30/04/2025 10:02

Im always confused when people try and say oh they're a good parent in situations like this, He only sees her 4 days a month that's not exactly a great dad........ I'd just go through CMS and save the hassle

Show quote history

But HE wants to see her 50:50, it wasn't his choice to drop down.

Original poster
Hol12 · 30/04/2025 14:16

CarrotVan · 30/04/2025 09:25

Can he not pay for her to go to afterschool club on his days to limit the amount of time being looked after by the stepmother? It sounds like there should be compromise all round

He could but it seems utterly pointless to send her to and pay for after school club when she can walk home to our house, I'm home anyway and she wants to be here

OP posts:
Original poster
Hol12 · 30/04/2025 14:18

BookArt55 · 30/04/2025 10:17

This is a tricky one because if you have an amicable relationship it is hard to rock the boat. But i think you've dealt with it in the best way you can. You listened to your daughter and initially encouraged her to go, then spoke to dad about her concerns and trialled something that does work for your daughter with the aim of encouraging her to go back to 50/50. You have listened to your daughter and she likes it how it is, you've waited 6months ish before raising CMS and to make sure that the new plans sticks. What else could you do?
I think suggestions above about him paying for certain bills might help to keep things amicable as much as this possibly can.
I would say that if he took you to court CAFCASS would speak to your daughter, they are the voice of the child in court. This happened in my situation but my children are much, much younger. Your daughter's wishes would be listened too but she would need to be confident enough to share these views with the cafcass officer, a stranger really, abd usually they would do this without another adult in the room. Not saying it would go that far. However I think it is great that your daughter feels confident to share her opinions, and that daughter isn't saying she doesn't want to spend time with dad. She is in fact saying she does want to spend time with dad, she doesn't want to spend alone time with dad's partner.

Thank you, yes this is exactly how I put it to him, she does want to spend time with him but not just SM...

OP posts: