To go on holiday without him?

[CoyGoldenKoi]

I've been with my partner 5 years.
We don't live together. I've been asking him to come on holiday for about 4.5 years. He's in tons of debt and can't afford it, which I'm fine with - I've said repeatedly that I'm happy to cover all the expenses and spending, I just want to go on holiday with him and spend some quality time. I don't even care what we do that much - could be camping, a UK holiday, road trip in Europe, flights to somewhere in Europe or further afield - I'm really not bothered what, I just want to holiday with him. He has said multiple times that he wants to, but feels awkward about the financial situation, which I do understand, but I've offered the best solution I can, given I'm happy to pay and there's no way he'll be able to afford it in the foreseeable future.

Anyway, he's consistently refused to discuss it in any detail and avoids the issue when I bring it up, so we've never been able to make plans.

I went on holiday with a much older (60s) male friend last autumn for a week, same room separate beds, and he was fine with this. All discussed with him beforehand and no issues.

Recently I was asking him again to come on holiday with me again (he quite often mentions that he needs sunshine and a holiday, so it was in response to this, I'm not just badgering him about it) but as usual it got shut down.

Another long term male friend, also platonic but closer to our ages (40s), asked me to go away for a long weekend with him (we both have lots of holiday to use up before end of work holiday year). Will also be same room separate beds, 100% platonic. And I agreed, cos I want a holiday. But this time, when discussing with my partner, he got really upset about it. He still won't agree to come on holiday with me though. I asked him what I could do to make it up to him, what he'd like to do/where and when he'd like to go somewhere with me, and he just changed the subject and kept on having a go at me about it.

I've told my partner repeatedly that I would much rather go on holiday with him than with anyone else, but if he keeps refusing, I don't see why I shouldn't then go on holiday with other people, and whilst I do and have gone on holiday with other female friends, mostly, my male friends are better off and therefore more likely to have money spare for holidays, whereas I'm usually limited to only camping or cheaper breaks with female friends.

So, am I being unreasonable? And if so, what would you do instead?

Is he working to clear this debt or still making it?

He is using his debt as a controlling factor that you can't do something because you want him to go so you shouldn't also go. That's a big no for me. He can decide he doesn't want to go, that's his choice, his right, his decision. But he has no sway on what you do.

How long is this relationship, what's the plan for him becoming debt free? If he has 40k, that looks to be a long time? Can you see yourself being in this position for as long as he takes to clear the debt?

You're not being unreasonable to go on holiday with whomever you please.

His debt and his attitude are holding you back in life, are you really sure this is what you want for your life? Wouldn't you be far better off with someone you can move your life forward with??

I'm glad I did lots of the things I did when I was younger (travelled, lived in various places, that kind of thing). I'm only 55, but I had two strokes in January, it has been life changing & some of the things I still wanted to do, I will now never be able to do. Some of them, I'm not sure about.

When people say 'life is too short' I think you accept it, but don't really understand, so I'm not sure what I'm saying is going to help much. But honestly, life is very short. It's too short to be held back by someone else's restraints (especially when they won't accept alternatives).

Quick win - organise holiday and tell him it's his birthday/Christmas present rolled into one.

Bigger picture - what's his debt clearance strategy? Is he actively managing it? Are you prepared to live with that if it means less joint activities?

I know sometimes a post is full of information & a lot to take in, but the very start of her post says they have been together five years & she has been trying to get him to go on holiday for 4 1/2 years.

She later on says she doesn't see him being in a position to pay for a holiday for a long long time, so I can imagine he's going to be in debt for a very long time.

I think we broadly agree, though, he is using his debt to hold her back. It won't just be holidays either.

Please just go on holiday. You are not co- dependent on your partner. Life can pass you by and then all you’ll feel is resentment towards him if you don’t. You are a strong, independent ( key word) person.

Ps couid always look into holidays for singles ( not dating type) or join a group holiday. Look at ‘Explore! ‘ type companies.

I'm going to play a bit of devils advocate here because I do completely agree with other posters that he should not be holding you back just because he's in debt.

I think you going on holiday with another man and staying in the same room is hurtful and I would be really upset. If he is working hard to clear his debt and not create more he could be showing commendable respect to not go on holiday and to be scrimping and saving. Maybe he feels guilty letting you pay for him and wants to be able to pay his own way.

Can you not go on holiday alone or with a girl friend, or male friend with different rooms? If you could afford to pay for you and your partner surely you can afford your own bedroom.

Well, I consider myself a pretty relaxed partner but I think even I would draw the line at DH sharing a room with a female friend on a break away.

I think if he doesn't want you to pay for a holiday, that's on him. But it' sokay for you to find that frustrating and for it to impact your relationship. And while I 100% agree you shold just go on holiday, I am not wild abotu the room sharing.

I would love to do this, but I've tried similar with smaller things in the past (weekend away, theatre trip etc) and he just refuses to confirm if he's free those dates even if it's months in advance and then refuses to come when it gets to the point. I've lost a lot of money on trying this previously.

He doesn't make enough to clear the debts - barely covers his living expenses month to month and isn't at all good at managing money.
I've offered to cover much higher/all of the costs to do fun things, but he's both unhappy with that, and also in no position to do anything else. It sucks. I do a lot of things with other friends, cos what else can I do in the circumstances?

@renovationqueen @MattCauthon
He isn't really dealing with the debt - doesn't make enough to pay it off, barely covers his monthly expenses. I agree, if it was save now to clear the debt it would be admirable and I'd totally be supportive of that, but it isn't.

I could have a separate room, but it's just never bothered me to share a twin room, whoever I'm sharing with. And from what my partner said I don't know whether it is the room sharing or just me going away with the more similarly aged male friend that he has a problem with. It wasn't very clear when he was having a go at me.

And my point is also, he's fine with me sharing a room with a female friend or an older male friend, so when he doesn't like me sharing with a male friend around our age, it's not that he minds me sharing with men as a class, it's that he seems to not trust me if the man is roughly age appropriate. Or just doesn't like that I want to go on holiday again relatively soon. I'm still not sure which of those (or both) it is.

It sits not so well when it's clearly not that he minds me sharing with men as a class (which I don't particularly agree with but could understand & respect) but is either just not keen on me going away (which is a bit controlling given I've offered a million times for him to come), or doesn't trust me with men around my age, which to me is a big problem in the relationship.

But I do appreciate the points of view.

It doesn't sound to me like youo're compatible overall. Having vaguelly similar views on finances (short and long term) and spare time is important I think.

You have no issue with room sharing, but he does. So this is something you also fundementally disagree on.

Why are you wasting your years with this man?

He's never going to be put of debt and you can't go out or on holiday with him because he can't afford it. Sounds boring

But it’s nothing to do with the debt if you’ve bought him presents and he’s REFUSED to go and you’ve lost money!!

he doesn’t want to go away with you (he sounds awful)

Sounds like he needs a better paid job. Is he on nmw if isn’t managing to pay debt off

some people are useless with money. Some aren’t

he is

so either you resign your life to always paying for joint stuff /never going on holiday with him

or you split up

Why on earth are you still with this man?

He shouldn't have an issue with you going on holiday. It's a bit weird to be sharing rooms with someone else ( irrespective of their sex) if they're not your cold/ spouse though.

What do you even do that's fun together?

If you split up he'd have some more time to work and pay those debts off.

Is this really what you want from a Long Term Partner ? Someone who has no money, loads of debt, and no way of paying it off?

No nice holidays, weekends away, meals out, treats etc .. ever (unless you stump up, but that would soon get annoying)

Agree with this. This relationship sounds exhausting. Going on holidays, days out, theatre trips, weekends away are what relationships exciting. You sound very different as people

Its been 5 years. Stop flogging a dead horse and find someone who can enjoy life with you. He isn't actively trying to clear the debt - there are debt solutions, is he trying to increase his income/reduce outgoings generally? What happens if you want to get married? He won't be able to afford it. You'll sit waiting and waiting and waiting...

He is not for you.

I couldn't be doing with all that. If he's not actually doing anything to clear the debt, how is the relationship supposed to progress? You'll be stuck forever, no holidays, no moving in together etc. You are wasting your time and life on this one.

You're probably all right.

Thing is, I don't mind about the money. I make plenty that I could support both of us, and do fun stuff, and I don't want children or marriage, so that would be fine from my POV. Too old for children anyway, so really not an issue.

But him both not having any money (mental health issues affect his earning capacity, so he can only work PT & at a much lower rate than he used to, but it's been that way for years and since before we got together, so I knew what I was getting) and not being willing to let me use mine is a problem.

As is the refusing to go away with me. We do go to restaurants and nights out, but he hates planning anything in advance, so it usually only happens if it can be done spontaneously. I'd be happy to compromise and do some spontaneously, but not everything works last minute, things get booked up and sold out.

He needs to engage with one of the debt charities- Christians against Poverty are great bit there are others, and then work on whatever plan they agree. If he won’t or can’t do that, he isn’t really interested in moving forward and that’s too sad a way to live a life

This. It's not just the refusing holidays, it's the depressing ongoing life in debt that is the problem. What are his good points? Are there enough of them?

This. If he's suffered a reduction in income and presumably has no assets, he needs professional advice and likely a formal solution to free him from his debt.

Also a review of income, benefits entitlement and possibly his housing situation - is he in the most cost effective place to run, even if its a bedsit or as a lodger?

Otherwise he could be stuck in the situation I near perpuity as interest and charges will take up much of what he can pay towards the debt.