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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go on holiday without him?

47 replies

CoyGoldenKoi · 29/04/2025 12:27

I've been with my partner 5 years.
We don't live together. I've been asking him to come on holiday for about 4.5 years. He's in tons of debt and can't afford it, which I'm fine with - I've said repeatedly that I'm happy to cover all the expenses and spending, I just want to go on holiday with him and spend some quality time. I don't even care what we do that much - could be camping, a UK holiday, road trip in Europe, flights to somewhere in Europe or further afield - I'm really not bothered what, I just want to holiday with him. He has said multiple times that he wants to, but feels awkward about the financial situation, which I do understand, but I've offered the best solution I can, given I'm happy to pay and there's no way he'll be able to afford it in the foreseeable future.

Anyway, he's consistently refused to discuss it in any detail and avoids the issue when I bring it up, so we've never been able to make plans.

I went on holiday with a much older (60s) male friend last autumn for a week, same room separate beds, and he was fine with this. All discussed with him beforehand and no issues.

Recently I was asking him again to come on holiday with me again (he quite often mentions that he needs sunshine and a holiday, so it was in response to this, I'm not just badgering him about it) but as usual it got shut down.

Another long term male friend, also platonic but closer to our ages (40s), asked me to go away for a long weekend with him (we both have lots of holiday to use up before end of work holiday year). Will also be same room separate beds, 100% platonic. And I agreed, cos I want a holiday. But this time, when discussing with my partner, he got really upset about it. He still won't agree to come on holiday with me though. I asked him what I could do to make it up to him, what he'd like to do/where and when he'd like to go somewhere with me, and he just changed the subject and kept on having a go at me about it.

I've told my partner repeatedly that I would much rather go on holiday with him than with anyone else, but if he keeps refusing, I don't see why I shouldn't then go on holiday with other people, and whilst I do and have gone on holiday with other female friends, mostly, my male friends are better off and therefore more likely to have money spare for holidays, whereas I'm usually limited to only camping or cheaper breaks with female friends.

So, am I being unreasonable? And if so, what would you do instead?

OP posts:

Malagase · 30/04/2025 11:55

OP, pethaps re think this relationship.
He is not prepared to change his situation and your life will remain like this.

wednesday32 · 30/04/2025 12:08

The issue here is not your holiday plans, it is the relationship in general. You say it has been this way for years, and the debt is not cleared, and he does not earn enough to clear it, so this is his life, and it will not change. If he has not improved his income or reduced his outgoings to clear the debt, then what difference does your having a holiday make? Seriously question why you would want a relationship with someone with different outlooks on debt/lifestyle/recreation.

BetterWithPockets · 30/04/2025 12:42

MattCauthon · 29/04/2025 13:03

Well, I consider myself a pretty relaxed partner but I think even I would draw the line at DH sharing a room with a female friend on a break away.

I think if he doesn't want you to pay for a holiday, that's on him. But it' sokay for you to find that frustrating and for it to impact your relationship. And while I 100% agree you shold just go on holiday, I am not wild abotu the room sharing.

This…

mindutopia · 30/04/2025 12:55

I wouldn’t be happy with a long term serious partner going on holiday with a random friend of the opposite sex and sharing a bedroom. That’s very intimate. It would still be odd if you weren’t sharing a room, but not as much. I think it’s because it’s not something your average (heterosexual) middle aged man would do without the expectation that maybe something might happen.

That said, going away on holiday by yourself or with female friends or a group of friends without your partner is totally normal. I go away without Dh every year.

I would be concerned though about a man in his 40s who is still struggling so much financially that he can’t afford a little holiday with his partner. If you are splitting accommodation and food costs, 4 days in an Airbnb in Spain should not be costing an adult more than say £400. I would be a bit eye rolly if a grown man couldn’t pull that together with a year or two notice.

MoreChocPls · 30/04/2025 13:13

I would have a permanent holiday without your dh. Your future looks even bleaker with him.

INeedAnotherName · 30/04/2025 14:00

He resents you OP. He resents that you out earn him, he resents that you have money and he never will. He resents you flashing your cash and "showing him up". It reminds me of the old days when the woman would have to slip him a tenner before they entered the pub so he could play at being the big man at the bar, he wouldn't cope with the woman actually paying at the bar.

He will never change his mindset, he will never change his money situation, so either accept him putting limitations on your life due to his attitude or accept you are not fundamentally compatible. You can't keep papering over the cracks.

Radiatorvalves · 30/04/2025 14:03

I’d be rethinking the relationship. That wouldn’t work for me.

ItGhoul · 30/04/2025 15:44

YANBU to want to go on holiday without him.

However, I don't think many people would be happy for their partner to go on a weekend away with a friend their own age of the opposite sex and share a room with them. At all. It's not necessarily about not trusting you, but probably more about not trusting the friend not to make a move or just feeling weird about the degree of intimacy involved in sharing a room with someone. My DP and I both have loads of opposite sex friends and zero concerns about that, but neither of would share a hotel room with them.

I also think that if you said 'I'm not keen on going on holiday but my DH loves it and wants to go away without me. He's planning a long weekend with a close female friend who is our age, and they're going to share a twin room. He says it's platonic but AIBU to think this is a step too far?' most people would be saying he was being totally inappropriate.

I personally couldn't have a relationship at all with a man who refused to go on holiday with me. I love travel, I love holidays and sharing them with my partner is one my life's biggest pleasures. It's really important to me. So YANBU to be pissed off that he refuses to even entertain the idea. It's only the room sharing thing where I can see his point.

SamDeanCas · 30/04/2025 15:53

Just go. He clearly doesn’t want to go away with you, and it’s got bugger all to do with money.

I had an ex like him (note the word ex), I ended up going to the Maldives for 10 nights on my own after years of trying to convince him to go away with me. He gave me loads of grief about going away on a luxury holiday alone, but I was way past caring at that point.

life’s too short not to take the holiday

MounjaroMounjaro · 30/04/2025 15:59

I've no idea why you'd share a room with these guys when you could afford your own room. I'm on your boyfriend's side on this.

However, life with your boyfriend would be too joyless and miserable for me. Because he can't earn much and isn't good with money anyway, there's no chance of the problem sorting itself out. This is how life is, for him.

I'd end the relationship - I want a partner I can do things with - and I'd get separate rooms when going on holiday with men. I wouldn't want to take the risk of any misunderstandings and I like my own space at the start and end of the day.

minmooch · 30/04/2025 17:57

Stop wasting your time with this man.

there are other men you could have fun with on a more financial even keel.

life is too short. He’s not doing enough.

the best bit of being in a relationship is having your best friend to do lovely things with. And he can’t or won’t do those things with you.

Time to end this so you don’t waste more of your precious time.

notsureyetcertain · 30/04/2025 20:22

Ihad2Strokes · 29/04/2025 12:35

You're not being unreasonable to go on holiday with whomever you please.

His debt and his attitude are holding you back in life, are you really sure this is what you want for your life? Wouldn't you be far better off with someone you can move your life forward with??

I'm glad I did lots of the things I did when I was younger (travelled, lived in various places, that kind of thing). I'm only 55, but I had two strokes in January, it has been life changing & some of the things I still wanted to do, I will now never be able to do. Some of them, I'm not sure about.

When people say 'life is too short' I think you accept it, but don't really understand, so I'm not sure what I'm saying is going to help much. But honestly, life is very short. It's too short to be held back by someone else's restraints (especially when they won't accept alternatives).

Yes it’s true, I got married young and had kids. There was always this idea that I’d get time at the other end. But one of my children is disabled and will need life long support and in the past two years I’ve developed chronic pain due to arthritis and disc issues. Now it’s unlikely I’ll get to go long haul.

Ihad2Strokes · 30/04/2025 20:33

notsureyetcertain · 30/04/2025 20:22

Show quote history

Yes, best laid plans of mice and men..

i'm sorry to hear about your child and your pain. Life's not fair. !!!

Ihad2Strokes · 30/04/2025 20:36

CoyGoldenKoi · 29/04/2025 18:23

You're probably all right.

Thing is, I don't mind about the money. I make plenty that I could support both of us, and do fun stuff, and I don't want children or marriage, so that would be fine from my POV. Too old for children anyway, so really not an issue.

But him both not having any money (mental health issues affect his earning capacity, so he can only work PT & at a much lower rate than he used to, but it's been that way for years and since before we got together, so I knew what I was getting) and not being willing to let me use mine is a problem.

As is the refusing to go away with me. We do go to restaurants and nights out, but he hates planning anything in advance, so it usually only happens if it can be done spontaneously. I'd be happy to compromise and do some spontaneously, but not everything works last minute, things get booked up and sold out.

We are!!

there's no problem about it 😂😂.

Stop wasting your 'good years' on him. We don't have as many years as we think or as many quality years as we think.

No one saying you don't love him, but love is a choice & how you spend every year is a choice. There are no rewards for propping someone else's life up!! Especially when they are doing nothing to improve their own life.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 30/04/2025 20:37

Why do you even want to be with him if he has that much debt? He will never be a safe bet to live with so just cut him loose amd start over. Don't waste 10 years.

applebee33 · 30/04/2025 20:39

Op he sounds like hard work , are you sure you want to be stuck with such a strange one for rest of your life ? He seems to have absolutely no get up and go, that would be a deal breaker for me tbh

Zanzara · 30/04/2025 20:45

Kindly, you are on a hiding to nothing with this one OP. He is not a viable long term partner and in time will become a millstone around your neck.

Do your older self a favour and cut the knot now. One day you will thank yourself.

Amba1998 · 30/04/2025 20:45

How has not been made bankrupt? 4.5 years of debt but not actually making a dent ?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/04/2025 23:00

renovationqueen · 29/04/2025 12:47

I'm going to play a bit of devils advocate here because I do completely agree with other posters that he should not be holding you back just because he's in debt.

I think you going on holiday with another man and staying in the same room is hurtful and I would be really upset. If he is working hard to clear his debt and not create more he could be showing commendable respect to not go on holiday and to be scrimping and saving. Maybe he feels guilty letting you pay for him and wants to be able to pay his own way.

Can you not go on holiday alone or with a girl friend, or male friend with different rooms? If you could afford to pay for you and your partner surely you can afford your own bedroom.

I agree re different bedrooms

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/04/2025 23:01

Baconking · 29/04/2025 14:51

Why are you wasting your years with this man?

He's never going to be put of debt and you can't go out or on holiday with him because he can't afford it. Sounds boring

Agree

GiroJim100 · 30/04/2025 23:04

YANBU. I can’t really see what more the OP could do. She’s suggested everything and been open and honest with her partner. I don’t think he’s really in a position to get in a strop over this.

Heronwatcher · 30/04/2025 23:05

Oh god just bin the useless twat off and find someone better. Honestly it just sounds as though he CBA to go on holiday with you and is relying on every excuse in the book. He won’t even go camping in the UK FFS!

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