Ex wants to reduce his time with DC

[cadburyegg]

Current arrangement is that ex has our 2 DC EOW Saturday morning to Tuesday morning. This enables me to get to the office early on the days I need to and also means ex can take DS1 to his swimming lesson on Mondays after school.

He’s now saying this is too much travelling for him. On Tuesdays he has to bring some of the children’s belongings (cuddlies etc) back to my house in the evening. He can’t drop them at my house after the morning drop off because I’m not there, and there’s nowhere to leave them.

He’s saying it’s too much travelling around and he can’t take on any evening work as a result. CMS have said he doesn’t have to pay maintenance so he doesn’t pay anything regular, he’ll give me £50, £80 etc some months but nothing I can really rely on. He’s said “the less work I have the longer I won’t be able to pay maintenance”. He said he might get a “proper” job but then he “won’t be able to have the children as much”.

So now he’s said he’ll just have them for one night EOW (Saturday nights) and bring them back Sunday evening. No discussion or negotiation. No interest on how that will impact me or my work.

Fed up and angry at him and myself that I made such a poor choice on who to father my kids. Sad for the kids who he treats as an inconvenience.

I used to insist he would have them EOW but now I’m just fed up and done with it. AIBU or am I damaging my children by not insisting he spends time with them?

How far apart do you live and why?

You unfortunately cannot insist he spends any time with them.

You unfortunately also can’t issue any ultimatums such as step up and be proper parent, or don’t see them at all.

You have to put up with the pathetic efforts he’s willing to make, smile and pretend it’s all peachy for him to dip in and out at will.

Such is the law.

You have to accept it. But I would do a cms claim again and insist he pays something

He's a deadbeat and you can't make him not. Sadly.

Put in a maintenance claim.

how far is travelling back on a Tuesday evening? Could a lock box outside the house work?

Unfortunately sounds like the kids probably don't get much out of him either. They're probably better off with you more, and that is how men always get away with this.

I don’t want to be forcing my precious children on anyone

just as long as you get increased maintenance, I’d be very happy that my children aren’t with someone who doesn’t want to be with them

Can he stick the kids belongings in an uber to get dropped off on Tues? In Australia we had an uber service run by women specifically designed to transport unaccompanied kids, could you find a service like that perhaps?

What a waste of a man! Claim CMS and I’d be sure to tell him what I thought of him out of earshot

so he has them 3/14 nights? How is it that he doesn’t need to pay maintenance?

I can understand that the extra trip to drop off their stuff is frustrating for him and finding a solution to that seems worthwhile

You can’t insist and he knows it. Why can’t he leave the belongings at school / nursery or they have different ones at his. Sounds like a cop out, but sadly not much you can do.

I would tell him that you're moving abroad for work. Next week. So he's going to have to figure out a way to have them full-time. And you're confident he'll manage because that's what parents do, they manage. And I'd try to make it really bloody convincing

Offer to get a drop off box at your home so he can drop their belongings off. At least you will know if it’s just an excuse.

CMS have said he doesn’t have to pay maintenance so he doesn’t pay anything regular

Unless he has no income - not even benefits - that sounds incorrect.

He should have all these items at his house and then he won't have to drop anything off would he?

There's something inherent in MOST men that means they absolutely do not feel the same as mothers. To the extent, many, will happily feel NOTHING in knowing they are deadbeat and useless and failing their children spectacularly.

Because they can do this at ease, so easily I see time and again, it means you really can't bargain or demand anything of them.

I would however do everything to get him to pay. I would submit a claim to the CMS immediately with the new arrangements.

I'd keep communication with him very minimal now. Grey rock technique.

He will be liable to pay some CMS, so put in a claim.

Oh so he doesn’t work then if not liable for any CMS

Bloody hell I remember your last thread

did you report him for benefit fraud?

I'd get some sort of lockable container in my garden where he can leave the things. There are plenty on Amazon, Argos etc. It's a very simple solution.

This. For the sake of a few hundred pounds, this might be the solution.

My ex husband has gradually reduced the time he sees our DC. He was having one night after school and 1-6 Saturdays. He now just has them after football on a Sunday for 2 hours and brings them home before dinner. Hasn't ever had them overnight. I'll die before I ask him to have them more because I'm a stubborn pig. But sometimes I could reallllly do with a break!

I think you should say to him "if you're wanting to reduce your time with the children, I will need to look into paid childcare options while I work, so will be opening a case with CMS"

If his only issue is dropping things off, surely a locked box outside the door is an option, or two sets of everything? My guess is that's not a genuine reason!

Why can't he provide everything the children need for their stay with him, everything stays at his house and there'd be no need for him to bring stuff back on the Tuesday?
I guess this is somewhat academic seeing as he wants them less anyway.
A pathetic excuse for a father!

I’m assuming it’s their favourite toys that they sleep with and take between both houses?

Not making any excuses for him but that seems fairly probable.

Thanks for the replies so far.

I’ve stayed in the same house, ex moved 20 minutes away for cheaper housing.

The lock box is a good idea. I potentially have somewhere for it to go but I’m having building work done atm so it’ll have to wait til that’s done in a couple of weeks. Tbf I didn’t realise he was making a special trip in the evening, I live closer to the city than he does so I assumed he was dropping the stuff off on his way home.

CMS is accurate unfortunately. I’ve queried it and they’ve done their annual review recently. It’s because he gets some of his income from benefits. If he didn’t have them overnight at all he’d have to pay £7 a week but because he does have them EOW that doesn’t apply. He’s self employed.

The belongings are things like special cuddly toys, ds1 has had one since he was born which is irreplaceable. They sometimes take a few toys from here, I don’t want to tell them they can’t do that anymore.