Ex wants to reduce his time with DC

[cadburyegg]

Current arrangement is that ex has our 2 DC EOW Saturday morning to Tuesday morning. This enables me to get to the office early on the days I need to and also means ex can take DS1 to his swimming lesson on Mondays after school.

He’s now saying this is too much travelling for him. On Tuesdays he has to bring some of the children’s belongings (cuddlies etc) back to my house in the evening. He can’t drop them at my house after the morning drop off because I’m not there, and there’s nowhere to leave them.

He’s saying it’s too much travelling around and he can’t take on any evening work as a result. CMS have said he doesn’t have to pay maintenance so he doesn’t pay anything regular, he’ll give me £50, £80 etc some months but nothing I can really rely on. He’s said “the less work I have the longer I won’t be able to pay maintenance”. He said he might get a “proper” job but then he “won’t be able to have the children as much”.

So now he’s said he’ll just have them for one night EOW (Saturday nights) and bring them back Sunday evening. No discussion or negotiation. No interest on how that will impact me or my work.

Fed up and angry at him and myself that I made such a poor choice on who to father my kids. Sad for the kids who he treats as an inconvenience.

I used to insist he would have them EOW but now I’m just fed up and done with it. AIBU or am I damaging my children by not insisting he spends time with them?

Make sure you take him to CMS and make him pay something!
Sadly you cant force him to parent. My ex stopped seeing his kids 2 years ago because it was 'causing him to suffer emotionally, mentally and financially to be a parent' and 'his clients had to come first'

You'll have to accept what he is offering but do make sure CMS make him pay and don't make things easy for him in any way!

Forgot to add that he does self employed work, but I don’t know how many hours or how much he earns.

I have an ex like this and you just have to create a life where you don’t need to rely on them and have alternative backup. Which I know is expensive and unfair. I’d be tempted to report him to hmrc/dwp as he seems to be working more than CMS say. If he does use the extra time to get a proper paid job then at least you would then get CMS. You might have to get creative - i and another mum helped each other out with childcare. Look for childcare or school near where your work. If you have a spare room then an au pair might work. Legally you can’t make a parent have their dc if they don’t want to. Have you checked your benefits entitlement? It won’t be about the toys he’s probably working or dating.

Is he making an extra journey just to drop off the cuddly toys? They need to just leave those at your house and get some when they're at his.

Not declaring obviously?

Do the children want to go? Do you feel comfortable with them being with him?

He sounds like a wanker, but I do have sympathy on him having to come back specially to drop things. Surely there are options - a lock box is one. Or a box that has a padlock that you leave on the side and you both have keys for. Or a neighbour who is willing to take them in (or has somewhere more secure). Or he puts their bits and pieces in a bag and it's left on their peg at school for them to bring home at the end of the day - surely this is the easiest option?

We have a similar situation with special teddies...depending on how young your DC's are, could there be duplicate teddies that are magic and can travel to their dad's house on their own and are there waiting when the kids get there?

Or in a bag on their peg at school or in a lock box as you say.

My ex also uses any excuse to spend less time with our DC, and recently tried to get out of the one week night that he has them and just do EOW...like you that's the one time I can work late/start early so I objected...which he wasn't pleased about.

Stick to your guns about when he has them, he does little enough as it is (same with mine) and however devoted we are as Mums, we need five minutes for ourselves now and again - even if it does get used for work.

You could ask them to do a variation based on self employed earnings, but depending on what benefits he gets it might make no difference.

If it’s things like special teddies/ comfort blankets without which the children can’t sleep
then it’s understandable why they move between houses.

Leave them at school in a separate bag, surely?

My ex dropped to one night eow and that was sporadic. He stopped all together when they got to teenagers and now as adults they pop and see him when it suits them.
I was bitter and resentful as it affected my work at the time. You can’t make him you can only make peace with it sadly.
and go to CMS get proper money sorted

Sorry I missed this. No I haven’t reported him. The posts on the other thread put me off tbh but also if he starts receiving any less money it’ll affect the kids.

You say they pop in when it suits them - is that often? what is their relationship like?

I came home tonight to find that ex has let himself into my house without my permission (he has a key only for emergencies) to drop the bags off so I will now change the locks. I should have done this in the first place.

When putting ds2 to bed tonight I noticed that ex has labelled his school shorts with ds2’s name but also written “daddy’s house” on them. Considering I pay for nearly everything, it’s really pathetic. And hilarious 🤣

Ugh what a deadbeat. Pathetic, useless excuse for a man.

You can't make him give a shit about his kids. All you can do is manage their expectations around their father. Don't badmouth him, but don't give them a false impression of him either by making excuses on his behalf. It might feel kind to say things like "I'm sure your dad would spend more time with you if he could" but really they need an honest view of him as a parent. I think you just have to stick to the facts and answer as honestly as you can any questions they may have.

Oh @cadburyegg I get exactly the same rubbish from my ex...if I don't return them fast enough he makes a HUGE fuss about the underpants he bought (for the DC to wear at his house) still being in the laundry, or worse, in a drawer, at my house. He expects a medal for providing anything school-related, never stops going on about it. And the kids are not allowed to bring any toys from his house to mine, although it means they rarely get used.

Like you I pay for 99% of the kids stuff, and put no restrictions on what they wear, or play with, where. Pathetic is the only word really...

This.
I think it's very likely that what little contact he already has will taper off even further in the not so distant future. He clearly isn't very invested in his kids, even though he has loads of time if he's not working much.
Beware the new girlfriend scenario though, where he suddenly wants to see the kids more to make himself look good, then it reverts to the norm when the relationship with the girlfriend finishes.
On an optimistic note, from my experience with my own (now adult) daughter and a deadbeat father, your kids will be fine with you as their stable and consistent parent.

Get a ring doorbell and one of those key boxes. So if there’s ever an emergency - he can get in.

My ex did this, reduced so low is was something like 15 nights a year. Then he emailed them as teenagers and said they weren’t welcome in house anymore as he felt they were disruptive to his new family. We didn’t see him for years and now they are adults he wants back in to gloat about how well they’ve done on fb. Pathetic

no nought was ever given to my work either and I used to be so mad but once he went for good that was almost like a release as there was no longer any what is doing now, I could make plans around us and life became easier

I don’t understand why women are compelled to put up with their exes changing the schedules? What would happen if you just say no?