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Original poster

To be angry at dad's partner for horrible behaviour towards my daughter

39 replies

BeFirmDuck · 28/04/2025 22:44

Hi lovelies!
How would you deal with this?
My dad's long term partner was in my opinion, out of order, towards my 11 year old daughter.
We went round to my dad's for dinner last weekend, we were having a sleepover too (he lives 2hrs from us).
Had a lovely meal etc. Dad and his partner went out to pub with friends, me and daughter fancied a cosy night in.
All fine, until...
Dad and partner got back from pub. At this point 11ish, I had just gone up to bed, daughter was finishing off her programme. My dad was outside locking up when his partner started having a go at my daughter.
She was pointing inches from my daughter's face, pointing her finger at her, telling her not to take sweets from her granddad's sideboard. My daughter said she got the sweets from me, because she was worried about getting in trouble. (Daughter had asked me if she could have some sweets, I said yes, knowing my dad wouldn't mind). Dad's partner then walked away muttering "lying shit".
My daughter texted me and I ran downstairs and started comforting my daughter, who was in absolute tears at this point.
Dad burst in through the back door, to hear me shouting at his partner about the disgusting way she had spoke to my daughter, over some measly sweets of all bloody things. How dare she!!
Dad's partner stormed off in a slightly drunken rage and went to bed. I explained to dad what happened and how angry and upset I was. Dad cuddled my daughter and promised he would deal with it.
After an awkward goodbye in the morning with dad, (partner didn't bother to come apologise) I just wanted to leave and take my daughter home, I haven't stopped thinking about the incident since.

I hope dad does sort this out, but I think he might be too soft. He loves us dearly but does anything for an easy life.
No word from him since, but his partner has her family staying at my dad's after we left so no doubt she'll be keeping him busy.

Am I being unreasonable, to be absolutely livid about this situation? Daughter is ok, but still hurt and does not wish to see dad's partner any time soon. I don't either!

Partner has always been a bit funny with us, not over joyed when we stay at my dad's but has never had a burst out like that with us before. They have been together for 3 years now, she's just sold her flat so lives at my dad's full time now. We used to visit more and the partner would just go back to her own house.

I feel so sad. We lost our lovely mum 7 years ago and she was just the most amazing lady. Adored my dad, and daughter. I'm their only child so I feel a bit alone with this. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 28/04/2025 23:00

Well she definitely overreacted, there's no need for all that over some sweets. I wouldn't have let my child help themselves to sweets in my parents house, and because she lives there too maybe they were hers and not your Dad's? It's still not on to get that angry about it though. Can your Dad visit you without her instead?

ThirdSector · 28/04/2025 23:00

Why didn't you just say to the partner I told her she could have them. As I know my Dad won't mind. Followed by don't ever talk to my daughter like that again.

Or did you say that and she then said lying shit?

Also you mentioned she was drunk. I think that's pretty unacceptable to be drunk around your 11 y/o. Especially if she's a vile cow after drinking.

namechangeGOT · 28/04/2025 23:02

She’d speak to my kid like that once and she nor your dad would see us in theirs, ours or anywhere else ever again.

TheCurious0range · 28/04/2025 23:04

ThirdSector · 28/04/2025 23:00

Why didn't you just say to the partner I told her she could have them. As I know my Dad won't mind. Followed by don't ever talk to my daughter like that again.

Or did you say that and she then said lying shit?

Also you mentioned she was drunk. I think that's pretty unacceptable to be drunk around your 11 y/o. Especially if she's a vile cow after drinking.

The partner's behaviour is unacceptable but I don't think it's on to say she can't go and have a drink because her eleven year old visitor might still be up on her own watching TV when they returned after 11pm. If I'd gone to the pub late and had a few I wouldn't be expecting an awake unsupervised child on my return.

OP Having said that her behaviour is not ok, and you need to speak to your dad about what he's going to do about it, because otherwise you and your daughter won't feel comfortable visiting.

Evilclowns · 28/04/2025 23:05

Maybe don't do sleepovers as it sounds a bit like it's too much for her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2025 23:05

Yeah, no one who called my child a lying shit would be seeing them again. That’s disgusting. I don’t care how drunk she was, that’s unacceptable.

Do you think she’d welcome discord which means your dad sees less of you? Tricky.

You must miss your mum desperately, I’m so sorry 💐

ThirdSector · 28/04/2025 23:06

It's also the female equivalent of territory spraying. So I'd be pretty firm about what you aren't going to tolerate. As spite is just vile. As an adult you can take it, but not as an 11 year old. So you may end up spending less time there.

TimeForABreak4 · 28/04/2025 23:06

Eenameenadeeka · 28/04/2025 23:00

Well she definitely overreacted, there's no need for all that over some sweets. I wouldn't have let my child help themselves to sweets in my parents house, and because she lives there too maybe they were hers and not your Dad's? It's still not on to get that angry about it though. Can your Dad visit you without her instead?

She didn't help herself op has wrote her daughter asked her and she said yes as she knew he wouldn't mind.

Op, I'd be absolutely raging about this. Horrible, nasty bitch. I'd tell my dad until we got a sincere apology from her for her behaviour we wouldn't be considering visiting again.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 28/04/2025 23:08

She was obviously pissed and her real feelings came out. She isn't keen on you or DD unfortunately. I'd not be making an effort with her in the future.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 28/04/2025 23:10

well, the partner sounds horrible

but I’m more than a bit surprised at you going to someone else’s house and leaving your daughter up alone at 11pm watching the tv while you turn in for the night.

TheTigerWhoCameToBrunch · 28/04/2025 23:10

Ah man. The worst thing about this situation is women tend to outlive men, so this grasping harridan will be siphoning off yours and your daughter’s rightful inheritance. Most likely it will end up in the hands of her children who you may never have even met.

You must prevent your dad marrying her at all costs!

Sorry for the loss of your lovely mum and shame on your dad for replacing her with this awful woman.

Kitkatcatflap · 28/04/2025 23:10

I agree with the above poster you should have told the partner that you gave permission for her to take the sweets. However, I imagine it all happened very fast and I believe she overreacted. You mention they were 'slightly drunk' perhaps she is one of those nasty drunks. A couple too many and they are spoiling for a fight or trying to insult people with 'home truths'.

What do you want from your Dad? Do you want him to make her apologise?

Original poster
BeFirmDuck · 28/04/2025 23:11

Eenameenadeeka · 28/04/2025 23:00

Well she definitely overreacted, there's no need for all that over some sweets. I wouldn't have let my child help themselves to sweets in my parents house, and because she lives there too maybe they were hers and not your Dad's? It's still not on to get that angry about it though. Can your Dad visit you without her instead?

I understand where you are coming from. However, my dad always gets sweets in for my daughter. Usually not stored in that drawer, but I didn't think he'd mind. We contribute to the house when we stay and I buy in food.
Yes he stays with us a couple of times a year when his partner goes on holiday with her friends.

OP posts:
myplace · 28/04/2025 23:12

While she behaved badly, you escalated it too. No point arguing with an angry drunk. Stay calm, put your dc to bed and deal with it next day.

To be honest you shouldn’t go to bed before her- much better if she’s supervised and has you there to defend her.
Remember it’s her home as well and she may not want an unsupervised 11 yr old eating from their cupboards. That may be unfamiliar.

Eenameenadeeka · 28/04/2025 23:15

TimeForABreak4 · 28/04/2025 23:06

She didn't help herself op has wrote her daughter asked her and she said yes as she knew he wouldn't mind.

Op, I'd be absolutely raging about this. Horrible, nasty bitch. I'd tell my dad until we got a sincere apology from her for her behaviour we wouldn't be considering visiting again.

Show quote history

Yes, she asked her Mum, but noone asked the Grandad. What I meant was, if my children asked if they could have something at my parents house, I wouldn't give it to them because it's not mine to give, even though I know my parents wouldn't mind. And in this situation, it's not just her Dad's house, he lives with his partner. So maybe they were not her Dad's, the partner might have bought them for something specific. Maybe for her family visit? I still think that the partner was completely wrong for yelling and swearing at a child and I wouldn't want to spend time with her.

Original poster
BeFirmDuck · 28/04/2025 23:16

ThirdSector · 28/04/2025 23:00

Why didn't you just say to the partner I told her she could have them. As I know my Dad won't mind. Followed by don't ever talk to my daughter like that again.

Or did you say that and she then said lying shit?

Also you mentioned she was drunk. I think that's pretty unacceptable to be drunk around your 11 y/o. Especially if she's a vile cow after drinking.

I did tell her I said it was ok, not my finest hour, I did shout it at her but she just stormed off not really listening.
I don't mind people living their lives but not speaking to my child like that.

OP posts:
Fadesto · 28/04/2025 23:17

I’d be really annoyed but I think you’re letting your dad off the hook, if he allows his granddaughter to be spoken to like that I wouldn’t have much respect for him,
It’s fine to want an easy life when your 11yo granddaughter is screamed at and called names because you can just let the little women fight it out amongst themselves and stay blame free.

Original poster
BeFirmDuck · 28/04/2025 23:19

TheCurious0range · 28/04/2025 23:04

The partner's behaviour is unacceptable but I don't think it's on to say she can't go and have a drink because her eleven year old visitor might still be up on her own watching TV when they returned after 11pm. If I'd gone to the pub late and had a few I wouldn't be expecting an awake unsupervised child on my return.

OP Having said that her behaviour is not ok, and you need to speak to your dad about what he's going to do about it, because otherwise you and your daughter won't feel comfortable visiting.

Show quote history

It was a horrible atmosphere in the morning, my chest was tight and heart was racing. My dad booked so sad too but I had to get me and my daughter out.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeFirmDuck · 28/04/2025 23:22

Evilclowns · 28/04/2025 23:05

Maybe don't do sleepovers as it sounds a bit like it's too much for her.

We definitely won't for a while, if ever, at my dad's again.
Hopefully he'll be up with us in the summer to stay.

OP posts:
TheTigerWhoCameToBrunch · 28/04/2025 23:24

BeFirmDuck · 28/04/2025 23:19

It was a horrible atmosphere in the morning, my chest was tight and heart was racing. My dad booked so sad too but I had to get me and my daughter out.

Show quote history

Don’t let her separate you and your DD from your dad. That’s exactly what she’s trying to do.

If your dad doesn’t have it in him to ditch her after she treated you both like that, then you have to take matters in to your own hands. Point out that she is a gold digger, poncing off your dad, call her an alcoholic, a nasty drunk, spread rumours, etc. I would go absolutely nuclear on her and get her away from your dad. Don’t let the old bag win, OP!

WeAreAllBucked · 28/04/2025 23:30

That must have been awful. I would be cross at your Dad for not contacting you after this. His partner sounds like an absolute awful person who would begrudge an 11 year old a few sweets.

TheTigerWhoCameToBrunch · 28/04/2025 23:31

BeFirmDuck · 28/04/2025 23:22

We definitely won't for a while, if ever, at my dad's again.
Hopefully he'll be up with us in the summer to stay.

Show quote history

I think this is terrible advice.

OP I assume it’s your childhood home or at least the one your mum and dad shared?

Don’t let her dare push you out by making you feel uncomfortable.

You go and stay and start saying things like “oh tell me again how much rent you’re paying my dad to stay here”, “mum was far better at housekeeping/cooking/hosting than whatever this is”, sit there and reminisce about your lovely mum with your dad. “Mum did love a sherry but she was never a nasty drunk, unlike Maggie (or whatever her name is)”

You know her better so I’m sure there’s loads of uncomfortable stuff you could raise.

Let her SQUIRM.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 28/04/2025 23:33

Why would you go to bed and leave your 11yo watching tv at gone 11pm?! She should be asleep by then. But yes the way dad’s partner spoke to her was unacceptable, completely.

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 28/04/2025 23:34

I don’t particularly have much of a relationship with my partners children but if one of their kids had some sweets whilst at ours (there’s only one DGD and she’s adorable… she will get sweeties whenever if I have my way!! lol) I’d call them a greedy little monkey or piggy or something and laugh it off as kids being kids. My own son (he’s 5) goes into my mums and has worked out where my stepdad (his grandad) hides his chocolate… he eats it in blocks as a treat after meals… he goes straight there and looks over and him and they play this cute game where he moves his hand slower and slower and then grabs one…. My stepdad just chuckles. At first he would try grabbing them all but he’s taught him to eat a block as once and enjoy each bite. Never in a million years would he kick off at him for taking them. She clearly resents you and your child and that’s awful for you both but more so your dad, who’s clearly going to end up caught in middle. She’s shown you who she really is however and that is a good thing. I’d be as nice as nine pence to her going forwards… will freak her right out.

JorgyPorgy · 28/04/2025 23:37

TheTigerWhoCameToBrunch · 28/04/2025 23:24

Don’t let her separate you and your DD from your dad. That’s exactly what she’s trying to do.

If your dad doesn’t have it in him to ditch her after she treated you both like that, then you have to take matters in to your own hands. Point out that she is a gold digger, poncing off your dad, call her an alcoholic, a nasty drunk, spread rumours, etc. I would go absolutely nuclear on her and get her away from your dad. Don’t let the old bag win, OP!

Show quote history

This!
And increase the frequency of your visits to your dad with your daughter. Stay longer . Organise things with your dad while you’re there and tell her she’s not invited.

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