To be angry at dad's partner for horrible behaviour towards my daughter

[BeFirmDuck]

Hi lovelies!
How would you deal with this?
My dad's long term partner was in my opinion, out of order, towards my 11 year old daughter.
We went round to my dad's for dinner last weekend, we were having a sleepover too (he lives 2hrs from us).
Had a lovely meal etc. Dad and his partner went out to pub with friends, me and daughter fancied a cosy night in.
All fine, until...
Dad and partner got back from pub. At this point 11ish, I had just gone up to bed, daughter was finishing off her programme. My dad was outside locking up when his partner started having a go at my daughter.
She was pointing inches from my daughter's face, pointing her finger at her, telling her not to take sweets from her granddad's sideboard. My daughter said she got the sweets from me, because she was worried about getting in trouble. (Daughter had asked me if she could have some sweets, I said yes, knowing my dad wouldn't mind). Dad's partner then walked away muttering "lying shit".
My daughter texted me and I ran downstairs and started comforting my daughter, who was in absolute tears at this point.
Dad burst in through the back door, to hear me shouting at his partner about the disgusting way she had spoke to my daughter, over some measly sweets of all bloody things. How dare she!!
Dad's partner stormed off in a slightly drunken rage and went to bed. I explained to dad what happened and how angry and upset I was. Dad cuddled my daughter and promised he would deal with it.
After an awkward goodbye in the morning with dad, (partner didn't bother to come apologise) I just wanted to leave and take my daughter home, I haven't stopped thinking about the incident since.

I hope dad does sort this out, but I think he might be too soft. He loves us dearly but does anything for an easy life.
No word from him since, but his partner has her family staying at my dad's after we left so no doubt she'll be keeping him busy.

Am I being unreasonable, to be absolutely livid about this situation? Daughter is ok, but still hurt and does not wish to see dad's partner any time soon. I don't either!

Partner has always been a bit funny with us, not over joyed when we stay at my dad's but has never had a burst out like that with us before. They have been together for 3 years now, she's just sold her flat so lives at my dad's full time now. We used to visit more and the partner would just go back to her own house.

I feel so sad. We lost our lovely mum 7 years ago and she was just the most amazing lady. Adored my dad, and daughter. I'm their only child so I feel a bit alone with this. Any advice welcome.

This

I’m sorry OP it really sucks to feel unwelcome in your parents house when your other parent passes. It gut wrenching actually.

Hopefully he asks her to apologise to your DD and yourself because swearing at a child about sweets is a massive over reaction.

it might be worth going out just you and him for a walk or coffee and having a heart to heart. You are his only child I would hope he wouldn’t let the relationship drift due to a fractious relationship with you and his partner.

there is a compromise.

im sorry you lost your lovely mum x

Horrible woman. I think she's just tolerated you so far and then when she was drunk the true colours came out. She is quite happy to drive you away as she wants your DF to herself. Agree with above poster, don't give her what she wants, if anything, go back sooner than expected if you can.

I hope your Dad doesn't marry her. Suspect she wants to control him.

She clearly doesn't want you visiting.
Men often put new partners ahead of their children sadly.
Prepare yourself for it.

But this is exactly what the old bag wants!

I agree. 11 is surely too young to be watching tv on her own at that time of night.

However, DF’s partner is obviously what I term a “nasty drunk”. How you visit your Dad in future without seeing her could be tricky if she is now living there.

On a slightly different tack, what happens when your DF passes away? Assuming she outlives him, is she going to be allowed to stay in the house? A difficult conversation with your Dad is needed urgently.

As others have said maintain a relationship with your DF

dont let her drive a wedge, be respectful and the bigger person. Remain politely aloof, but make sure you keep spending time with your father.

no matter what she mutters about you, don’t let her be right. Rise above. Belligerence isn’t how you win.

Why on earth would they go to the pub when you were visiting? That sounds like a problem right there. You are right to be upset

She sounds vile.
But as others have said, don't let her separate you and your dad. Try to see him on his own as much as you can. When things are calm, tell him that she called his grandchild a lying shit.

Why? The kid can’t watch television at her own grandfather’s house?

Weird that they went out to the pub when you were staying.

She sounds horrible!

I hope your dad has a will sorted and this woman won’t wiggle her way into it as she doesn’t sound like the type who would be fair if your dad did change things.

What has your dad actually said about her calling his granddaughter a lying shit, especially when the girl could hear it? I think you need to actually call and speak to your dad about how unacceptable this is and ask what he is going to do about it because you can’t visit again with that woman there.

I think it’s more the fact that an ELEVEN year old is still up watching tv so late, especially when their own parent has gone up to bed (because it’s bedtime!).

People should stop drinking.