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AIBU?

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Original poster

New partner over 40 grand debt

64 replies

Dontwanttobeapinkponygirl · 28/04/2025 10:48

My daughter has just found out that her very new partner has over £40, 000 of debt. There is nothing to show for the debt. No property, no car. Nothing. Would you advise her to end the relationship, which she’s wanting to do. My instinct is to tell her to run a mile.

OP posts:
Game0fCrones · 28/04/2025 11:31

£40,000 on holidays? Pull the other one.

Presumably, he's in his twenties so cant have been on that many?

I think this disclosure needs at least further digging but for me it'd be curtains.

GloriousGoosebumps · 28/04/2025 11:35

So she wants to end the relationship but can't quite bring herself to do so? Is it because she feels that would be judgmental? Or that a "nice" person wouldn't end a relationship over debt? Perhaps she feels she could / should rescue him? (Is obviously not her job to rescue another adult.) Or does she have another reason for staying in a relationship when she wants to leave? I'm also curious about how they came to be discussing his debt because I would see that as a discussion you would only have after you have become serious.

GloriousGoosebumps · 28/04/2025 11:47

@Game0fCrones makes an excellent point. That's an awful lot of debt to rack up if he's only in his twenties and to claim it's the result of extravagant holidays doesn't ring true so he's lying. Another good reason to walk away.

Stressmode · 28/04/2025 11:54

It depends… if he earns a six figure salary then 40 grand debt is nothing.

CloverPyramid · 28/04/2025 11:54

I would run a mile from this. I’m not particularly good with money and have never been a high earner, and I can’t fathom owing this much money for nothing. There’s absolutely no excuse for someone to be £40k in debt.

The few times I’ve taken on debt, it’s been for vital things and I’ve taken small amounts I could pay back quickly. £40k would show a real incompatibility in both financial priorities and attitude to risk.

MrsKeats · 28/04/2025 12:10

Run a mile.

RosesAndHellebores · 28/04/2025 12:17

In his late 20s, DH had about £9k of debt, in 1989. He had finished his pupillage, had no family support and the fees weren't flooding in on a timely basis. He was on the point of giving up.

We need to know the context @Dontwanttobeapinkponygirl.

Packcold · 28/04/2025 12:19

DH had some debt (not that much) before we married and I refused to marry him until it was cleared, which he did. He's built it up by buying luxury goods he couldn't afford, but which companies were very happy to give him credit for.

Throughout our marriage I managed the finances and kept him on a very short lead financially because he remained shocking with money. He knew this and was happy for me to manage things and control his spending, for his own (and the family's) good. It wouldn't have worked at all without that.

FortyElephants · 28/04/2025 12:20

When you say very new partner do you mean new boyfriend/man she is dating? Because partner implies commitment. If she's not committed then she needs to ship out asap.

Gundogday · 28/04/2025 12:21

Red flag definitely.

WhatMe123 · 28/04/2025 12:27

Run run run gambling??

Lampzade · 28/04/2025 12:28

She needs to bin him immediately .

MounjaroMounjaro · 28/04/2025 12:30

Does she want to continue the relationship? It sounds as though he's been living a flashier lifestyle than he could support and has now got to face up to the huge debt. If she stays with him she'll have to pay for everything - either that or he'll end up in even deeper debt. She needs to get out now before she's as broke as he is.

AgingWellThankYou · 28/04/2025 12:44

This is a massive red flag. Finances is a leading cause of divorce (not saying they are heading to marriage, just noting relationship strain).

As noted by many, she doesn’t need a reason to end the relationship. And this sounds like a major cause for concern. He has been living beyond his means for years. Not a foundation for building a shared life….

SaladSandwichesForTea · 28/04/2025 12:48

He wants her to believe that he spent 40k on holiday ls with his ex (probably with a sob story about how she "forced" him)?

I expect his ex is as baffled as your daughter and kicked him out.

Loub1987 · 28/04/2025 12:48

I don’t really understand how someone in their 20s had access to that much credit and just for holidays. A failed business I could understand.

It would depend for me, has he turned it around, has a great job and is paying it off? Does he have a good credit rating?

Ultimately, it’s your daughters decision anyway and if he’s only a boyfriend then it shouldn’t affect her that much.

rockingbird · 28/04/2025 12:50

Run for the hills ..

whitewineandsun · 28/04/2025 12:50

404ErrorCode · 28/04/2025 11:08

How did she find out? Did he volunteer the info?

Just wondering why he would disclose this in a new relationship - is he after money from your daughter?

I'd wonder. She should run and not look back.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/04/2025 12:54

I’m assuming it’s not student debt from actually financing his studies from what you said?

What does he mean by “from a previous relationship”? Relationships shouldn’t cause debt.

Holidays would have to be pretty huge to make up this much debt.

How much does he earn?

That said, she can end it if she’s unhappy, debt or no debt!

Greenandchocolate · 28/04/2025 12:57

This doesn’t sound good OP, he spent it on holidays and frittered it away and he’s only in his 20s? This suggests he is really poor with money, and I was too in my 20s although my debt was only a fraction of that it was still unmanageable on the salary I had and it took me years to pay it off. Thankfully I learnt my lesson young and before it got past 5K.

If he isn’t taking steps to go to debt counselling or start budgeting and is just trying to normalise this it’s a red flag. Does he live frugally now?

Like others I think it would be different if it was something like a failed business that he had genuinely thought was viable and had made a sound business plan for etc or his salary is so much that he is paying huge amounts of it rapidly.

But I assume he is not a super high earner and this debt is no longer on zero % interests rates - if it ever was. So it’s possible it may be building as time goes on. I think if your daughter gets serious with him she will want to know things like is he managing to pay of significantly more than the minimum payment. The monthly interest of all his bills and what steps he’s taking for that not to happen again.

He may well be a nice man but not someone you ever want to share finances with. And like others I’d be interested to know how she knows, did he offer up this info voluntarily and if so why? Also is your daughter a higher earner than him or really good at saving? This is relevant because sometimes men like that look for women with good finances to help sort theirs out.

Swirlythingy2025 · 28/04/2025 12:58

what ever she does dont get married if she stays with him and everything in her name and use a credit report service like experian etc incase he tries to take out a credit card in her name etc @Dontwanttobeapinkponygirl

TimeForTeaAndG · 28/04/2025 13:01

Stressmode · 28/04/2025 11:54

It depends… if he earns a six figure salary then 40 grand debt is nothing.

Surely that depends on how much disposable is left every month? 6 figures but spending the majority on mortgage/bills etc with barely anything left to service the debt is not great either.

iamnotalemon · 28/04/2025 13:45

I was in a lot of debt in my 20s with ‘nothing to show for it’. I think it really depends on how he is handling it now and if he’s better with finances to be honest. I wouldn’t rule someone out for being in debt but it would depend on other factors too. £40,000 is a hell of a lot though.

TheHerboriste · 28/04/2025 13:59

Bin.

GatherlyGal · 28/04/2025 14:04

£40k and nothing to show for it?

No chance. Even if he's not gambling or doing something else dodgy he is shit with money. Unless she wants a lifetime of policing his spending or him spending her money as well as his she needs to run.

Life's hard enough without your partner making it harder.