STBXH guilt trips toddler

[Lis667]

Still living together whilst going through divorce. Since our daughter turned one, she’s been more attached to me. She’s abit over 2 now, My stbx can’t cope with it, I was sympathetic when we were married. But now iv reached the end of my tether. He makes it extremely clear how it makes him feel. He guilt trips her, is cold and dismissive to her when she speaks to him after she’s made it clear she wants me instead. Mimics her when she is calling for me, speaks sarcastically to her and just downright sulks. She’s started sensing this and tries to correct her behaviour (not that it’s wrong) and please him, to which he is just cold and moody.
Him and his mother booked a holiday to Majorca for September (without telling me) for 12 nights. Iv asked can he change it to 7, as 12 nights is too long for me, and I feel too long for her. He’s refused to.
If she starts asking for/wanting me when they are over there then what is he going to be like with her? I’m considering refusing to let her go if he doesn’t change it as watching him, and watching how our daughter is now is reacting to him, his behaviour is unacceptable and I feel it’s going to start causing issues for her.

Sounds like you need to actually split, move away, have a proper custody agreement in place. I wouldn't let her go for 12 nights as a toddler.

Instead of asking him to shorten the holiday, talk to him about your concerns of his reaction in the event daughter misses you. Explain to him that daughter will be a lot happier with him if he reacts gently, lovingly and reassuringly. Explain to him that she needs to be shown daddy is safe.

He could use this holiday to repair some of the damage that's been done, perhaps he just needs guidance as to how.

Iv tried, he’s very stubborn, and in his case he thinks he is never wrong and what he is doing is ok.

I think it’s very reasonable of you to agree to 7 days away abroad with a two year old who is understandably very attached to you. I’m not sure I would be so generous particularly given his behaviour towards her….

I wouldn’t have agreed to that holiday at all right now, if you expect to live apart this year then that will be quite confusing for her. How long is it until one of you moves out?

Iv taken her passport anyway until I k ow what to do

His solicitor has advised him not to leave until he gets his money, I’m buying him out so waiting for all the financial side to be sorted

I think perhaps your solicitor should suggest to him that there are to be no trips abroad until there is a child arrangements order in place.

It’s another 5 months away!
Things change and it may die your child good to go away without you
How would you feel if her dad wouldn’t let you take her away on holiday?
i should imagine the atmosphere in the house must be awful for the child which is why she’s behaving the way she is!

My advice is have a CAO in place to enshrine the care arrangements. This is a double edged sword however because it also means either of you can take her on holiday without the others permission. But he does sound like an arse so I would be getting a CAO in place as part of the divorce so you don’t have to negotiate anything with him if you chose to go away. He is being unreasonable to be doing more than a week with her so little.

Which is why Iv taken it until I know what to do, the thought of my 2 year old in another country without me and her dad behaving how he is isn’t acceptable right now. I’m not doing this out of spite

So you wouldn’t take your own child away for 12 nights?

I wouldn’t let her go away with him for that long, literally because of how he behaves towards her. I can’t believe he is being so pathetic about his tiny little daughter wanting her mother, no wonder you’re divorcing this loser. And has it ever occurred to him that the more he behaves this way the more your child will seek out her mum for reassurance and comfort?

Not if he asked can we do a week, I asked for a week whilst it’s the first holiday and then after that maybe longer. Iv been very reasonable

You do know he could just apply for another passport and report the one you’re hiding as lost?
This is not going to end well at all - the atmosphere in your house must be toxic at the moment, which will be having a massive impact on your DD. Unless there are serious concerns about his parenting that are being investigated by SS, then you really can’t prevent him from taking his own child on holiday.
Out of interest, how often do you stay away from the house and leave your DD with her dad?

Given the recent big changes that are happening and how young your daughter is, and you are the primary carer, plus your worries with dad's care of her, i would be hesitant to agree to this holiday at all.
If he is acting like this, when you actually do live separately, his behaviour may get worse.
To help your daughter consider agreeing to a plan for her now whole you're living together and sticking to it. Like he would do nursery pick, dinner, bedtime, everything on his days. This might scare him off having her. But also be careful to not set too much of a precedent. Start with one day at the weekend.

From the primary carer in the care of someone who emotionally abuses her, I'd hope every parent would say no.
OP, record him, for evidence. He's going to cause MH issues in her. This sets the pattern of women taking on blame for a man's mood and doing what they can to please. He isn't the primary carer and there are issues, you tell him now that there needs to be a change, or it isn't happening. It's too long, even with a change. This isn't a game, she's going to take months to get over this. Unless she's been away from you before?

Also I would record his behaviour for evidence. Make sure he doesn't know.
It sounds like the beginnings of a tricky coparenting relationship and it mag end up in court if he is not communicating effectively already by booking a holiday with no discussion. Therefore potentially evidence will be needed in the future. Document everything..

If he’s booked it then the likelihood will be that he can’t change it now without losing lots of money. If you have concerns about his ability to parent, then you will need to apply to the courts in order to obtain a CAO - but that’s not going to happen before the holiday in all honesty.
It’s understandable that you don’t want her away from you for 12 days, but it’s also understandable that he wants to take her on holiday for 12 days.

He has her all day Friday and all day Sunday, then we both work so after work are both in the house with her together.

Wow no way would I allow my toddler to go with such a person for 12 days.

His behaviour towards her is incredibly damaging.. you need to split and remove her from his presence as much as possible given how he behaves towards her. Surely you can see how horrible this is and this will have lasting consequences for her??

Seek legal advice. Best of luck x

You have, but why? I can’t see any benefit to your child in this, especially while going through the divorce of her parents. She’s too young to understand divorce obviously but she’s clearly noticed somethings up. It doesn’t make sense to be so amenable to your ex when it doesn’t suit your child.

If he didn’t behave this way I probably wouldn’t mind as much and just agree to 12 days.

Because if I’m not it makes things much worse

For who?