Why does parental abuse turn a lot (if not all) of us into people pleasers ?

[ElectedDetected]

This, really

Interesting timing of this question for me! I spent some time talking to ChatGPT about my dad this morning and exploring the behaviours of covert narcissists. This is one part of the conversation- sorry it's long but I feel it's relevant

How Adult Children of Covert Narcissistic Parents Often Feel and React

1.
Chronic Guilt and Over-Responsibility

• Feeling guilty for saying no, setting boundaries, or prioritizing yourself — even in completely reasonable situations.
• Feeling like you have to “fix” other people’s feelings or “make it up” to them, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
• A deep fear of being seen as selfish.

2.
Self-Doubt (“Maybe It’s Me”)

• You constantly second-guess yourself — “Was I too harsh?”, “Am I overreacting?” — even when your boundaries or feelings are valid.
• You may instinctively assume you’re the problem in conflicts, because you were subtly blamed for emotional disruptions in the family.

3.
Difficulty Trusting Your Own Feelings

• You might feel emotions like anger, sadness, or disappointment — but then quickly suppress them because it feels “dangerous” or “disloyal” to express them.
• You might distrust your own memories (“Was it really that bad? Maybe I’m exaggerating.”) because of long-term gaslighting.

4.
People-Pleasing and Approval-Seeking

• You feel a deep need to be liked, appreciated, or needed — sometimes by bending yourself out of shape to meet others’ expectations.
• Criticism, even gentle or constructive, can feel disproportionately painful, because it echoes the subtle emotional invalidation you grew up with.

5.
Fear of Abandonment or Rejection

• Setting healthy boundaries can trigger extreme fear that people will leave, reject, or punish you emotionally — because that was often the (implicit or explicit) threat growing up.

6.
Emotional Caretaking in Relationships

• You often find yourself in relationships (friends, partners, work) where you are the “rescuer,” “therapist,” or “emotional support system.”
• Your sense of worth can become tied to how well you care for others emotionally.

7.
Difficulty Recognizing Healthy Relationships

• You may unconsciously be drawn to people who are emotionally needy, manipulative, or self-focused — because it feels familiar, even though it’s unhealthy.
• True mutual, healthy relationships might initially feel “boring” or “uncomfortable” because there’s no emotional chaos to manage.

Because keeping the abuser happy kept you safe. It’s a conditioned response that worked very well.

That said, it’s not the only survival mechanism people learn from childhood trauma. I’m the opposite of a people pleaser. I’m hyper independent. I don’t expect anything of anyone. I don’t reach out for support. I see every hard thing in life as something I can sort myself, like I always have, because there was never anyone to depend on. I’m very boundaried and very good at saying no.

I’m married to a people pleaser though and his people pleasing drives me nuts. Whereas my ability to say no to everything I don’t want to do causes him a lot of social anxiety. 😂 I laugh because it’s really irritating, but also we are very complementary in our trauma responses. Good cop/bad cop, I say no and put up boundaries for him when he freezes and can’t, he will agree to things on my behalf to keep people happy when my instinct is just to say no.

because sometimes its better to try to keep the peace when eg you may need assistance of x,y, etc from different people so where normally you would go ,y,z instead you have to keep the peace due to long term strategy etc

Same. I knew never to piss my mum off she was volatile and angry. I was a complete doormat when younger.

I was the EXACT same. Makes me angry now - I wish I’d spoken up ❤️

Came on here to say exactly this, we are wired to internalise our parents' flaws and our disappointment/anger with them in order to preserve the attachment to them.

And of course I attracted people who wanted me to pander to them and run round which of course I did to avoid conflict or disappointment from them.

Yes I did too - can do relate

my ex boyfriend looking back over 30 years ago sexually abused me but j also treated him appallingly in a different way iyswim

It’s not so much that we attract people - it’s that we’re attracted to familiarity (people who remind us of our parents).

It’s a subtle shift but there’s a lot of power in seeing it this way - as an adult you get to choose who you hang out with!

I had a very strict mother, I'd say abusive, getting smacked for tiny things constantly, very authoritative. Routines and expectations had to be followed or else. I never spoke to her , I was terrified. As a result I was a massive people's pleaser. I agreed with anything and everything they were saying , went out of my way to make them happy and do things how they wanted . I think it comes to being scared to let people down or they will be angry , disappointed and not like you and when they get angry as you are taught not to answer back or you get another smack , you learn not to confront peoples and they continue to expect you to please them. Strangely I end up in controlling situations and feel guilty. I have got a lot better , but it's inbuilt and learned behaviour to please the abusive parent or else.

Thanks for starting this thread OP. Very eye opening

Yes very interesting, would have liked more comments and shared experiences too

Oh my god you are me! Buying presents for my dad to give to my mum. Mine hated each other and argued til the day he died, monitoring my mums moods well into my 40’s and being affected by them. Now if she’s in a mood or puts in her sad voice or us sighing and feeling sorry for herself it doesn’t affect me but bloody hell it’s taken me a lot of work. Some of the situations I’ve got into though whilst people pleasing though god yes like you I’m appalled when I think back and despite knowing it’s not my fault I’m still so angry at myself for not realising earlier. Now I don’t pander and people please with my mother she’s dropped me like a stone. All those years trying to make her happy what a waste.

Snap. When people talk about having arguments with their mum when young I used to be agog. How did they dare!

oh I can absolutely read my mother without her saying a word I can assure you.

of course it’s not bloody healthy that’s the entire point!

I’m in no way convinced I’m a ‘perfect parent’, and I’m delighted that my 13 year old has from a young age been able to say when he thinks I’ve been unfair. And as a pp said, I have no difficulty at all judging as inadequate parenting that involved knowing two of your children had been sexually abused and choosing to do nothing about it.