Why does parental abuse turn a lot (if not all) of us into people pleasers ?

[ElectedDetected]

This, really

If men are angry I get overwhelmed with fear and I don’t think it is something I can change as it’s such a visceral response. But I feel I’ve done a lot of work to improve my trust in myself and to learn how to make healthy boundaries, so I think you can change but it’s hard and it takes time.

It's not a load of nonsense. You don't have to have been abused to learn how to people please. We learn how to relate to other people from a very early stage by watching how our parents relate to each other and to other people. It's as simple as that. Recognising that some of the things you learned from your parents are not helpful in adult life is not blaming your parents for everything that went wrong for you.

How will you feel when your children start to pick your parenting apart when they grow up?

@Katypp bloody proud. My DC is 11 and he picks up on when I’m inconsistent or unfair with him. He questions it, we talk about it, I admit when I’m in the wrong and apologise. I’m sure he’ll have much more to pick apart when he’s grown, and his own parenting will be all the better for it. I’m confident my grandchildren won’t grow up in abuse like my grandfather and mother and I did.

How do you feel? If you feel defensive or angry about it, you’ve got some work to do.

I found in my case it was to reduce the liklihood of any conflict or repercussions and to also not be rejected and break that attachment bond regardless of how unhealthy.

I spent years morphing into different suitable characters to fit into what the person wanted me to be but instead of fitting in and being liked/loved/wanted, I just ended up stuck in a another cycle with a different abuser. Following breaking that cycle I went into the constant survival mode and seeing everyone and everything as a potential red flag abusers.

CAT therapy was extremely helpful for me to change these issues.

You learn to read emotions because there is no other consistency. So you can automatically tell what other people's desires and motives are.

@Katypp

You have NO IDEA what parental abuse posters have experienced. The post is literally about actual parental abuse.

You didn't answer the OPs question, but instead minimized abuse.

This is a completely inappropriate way to to respond to survivors.

I very much doubt that and it is probably
not healthy for you to think this is something you can automatically” do

But could this just be me as a person and my sensitivity/the way I react to things? I wonder if I might be autistic, i’m very affected by others moods etc

Has this carried through into your own relationships?

Unlikely. You said you feel panic if you sense your parents are angry/upset with you. Why would you feel panic? Somewhere along the way you’ve learned that there was something to panic about.

To children, feelings feel much more big or ‘global’ compared to when we’re adults. So it could be some quite small thing, like a parent shouted at you aggressively or sent you to a different room when you were a toddler. That separation can feel like death to a little one, especially if the parent doesn’t repair the relationship afterwards.

The good news is you can practice feeling this panic and expanding your tolerance for feeling it, then over time it won’t feel so big.

I also worry when I think friends or colleagues etc are upset with me and make a whole story in my head, when it’s very likely nothing has happened at all.

@Plottingmyescape makes sense. We learn how relationships work through our first ever relationships - with our parents - so it’s easy to read the things we learned from our parents onto others.(even when it’s not true)

Because you become conditioned into say yes yes yes so not to anger an abusive / parent .

I think the automatic bit is letting others desires and emotions dictate your boundaries

I agree you can’t mind read

but you have a huge antenna!

very common

and don’t get worried you’ll get blames for things even though you have nothing to do with it?

Yes

Yes. I got myself into a bad first marriage because I was so conditioned to simply mold myself into what another person wanted me to be. I had to learn to believe that I am ok just as I am.

@Katypp
i feel perfectly comfortable critiquing the parenting of a man who broke bones.

none of us are perfect parents, but there is a difference between realizing your parents are human beings who made mistakes and having abusive parents.

Well done for figuring that out! My spelling

I was like that and I learnt it was because I was scapegoated in my family

patrick teahan is so good on explaining this stuff - YouTube

To me it's literal second nature.
I don't use it for any advantage but I am unable to be unaware, its a constant stream of noise in my brain. What you learn to do is just not attach to it - I'm aware when I'm overthinking and just try and let it passby, distract myself or focus on something more constructive.

i thank the lord i am in no way like my parents and if my parenting style gets anywhere near to where theirs were, then please tell me!

and i must remember, i have to accept that the way my parents treated me, was just how it was?? interesting

Oh dear. Well if my child does I will listen and acknowledge and be curious. It won’t matter how I feel as I will be listening to how they feel or felt.

what I won’t do, is cry and wail and say “wait til you have children and they start on you” because i actually have some emotional intelligence and don’t play the victim.

The 'Baggage Reclaim' podcast has a great episode currently where she divides people pleasing into different categories. I've already forgotten what they were but it was very insightful.

Can I recommend a podcast I have just come across , the patrauma party. There are three episodes on parentification, one on people pleasing and one on being scared that you are in trouble or people are mad at you. For me it was like the host was describing me, my childhood and then how I have been at work and in relationships.

God this thread is hitting hard.
My parents weren’t ever abusive in that sense, but I remember just wanting my father to never piss off my mother, and he did a lot, so I spent so much time and energy trying to make things right. I was only about 7ffs! I would tread on eggshells, tell my dad what presents to buy for my mam. Be on alert when he was late coming back from the pub and then listen to them argue and when the air was tense, try and be funny to make them “happy” again. Fuck.
As an adult I am / was the ultimate people pleaser. Just so go with the flow but often was unhappy. My bosses didn’t respect me in my previous job as I was just a “yes” woman. I’d let people talk to me how they wanted, and put up with feeling like shit, holding onto anger.
No more! If my mother is pissed off with my dad and there is an atmosphere, tough shit. They’re old enough to get on with it. I am 44 now, it’s getting easier but fuck I cringe at how I have been in the past and I am doing my best to make sure my son will never feel like I did.