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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is he lying to me?

46 replies

Icygreenraven · 27/04/2025 15:31

In a nutshell me and DH have had trust issues that stem from him deleting messages from a woman he works with 2ish years ago. I didnt think they were 100% innocent on his part (managed to restore some but not all, things like i miss u and him getting annoyed when she didnt reply quickly.100s a day). He refused to do councelling so i did and we used some advice to put boundaries in around being open, sharing online activity if needed to build trust back. Things were going well and i was starting to trust him more, rarely feeling the need to question. Said im ok if he texts her just dont delete things as it looks dodgy.

Yesterday i nipped into the bedroom unxpectedly and he looked suspicious on his phone. Had a wasapp up about a planned trip (strange timing), i asked what he was doing and he started to shake (acted this way before when texting woman). Asked to look at his phone (as agreed he would be open when needed), he handed it over. I backed up and saw something was achived. clicked it and it all happened so quickly but i didnt see who message was from but there were three big texts bottom line said i will miss you next week (we are on leave). He jumped up and tried to wrestle the phone from me when he saw i had gone out of the trip message . I held on harder and he put all his weight on me to drag me to the floor until i let it go. He took it away.

I tried to be calm (thats why i let go of the phone to stop it escalating). Asked later what it was and to show me and he had deleted it. Said it was an old screen shot from the woman before that popped up on his timeline and he was woŕried i would get upset. Strange how it would be in line with time off next week.

I definately dont think it was what he said but it happened so quickly im doubting myself?Can't restore it as he deleted it from recycle bin.

Any thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
Lookuptotheskies · 27/04/2025 15:33

He is a liar.

He also physically assaulted you!

CiscoTS · 27/04/2025 15:34

Having regrettably been involved in this type of “texting relationship” in the past, I’d say he’s lying.

100s of messages a day means feelings involved, which is why he is still texting her.

1Ivebeenthinking · 27/04/2025 15:34

Go to his iCloud photo account on the internet

Sofiewoo · 27/04/2025 15:36

Anyone who wrestles you to the floor to stop you looking at their phone is not innocent.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/04/2025 15:40

He wrestled the phone off you to delete the messages? That makes him look totally innocent, right?!
Just stop accepting it. He's a terrible liar and an arsehole. He won't change.
Tell him it's over and he can pack his bags.

astorcody · 27/04/2025 15:42

He is cheating on you.

Motomum23 · 27/04/2025 15:44

Ltb

Original poster
Icygreenraven · 27/04/2025 15:45

Thanks for your quick replies. I do agree with all of them. He is so good at making me doubt myself.

I wish i could restore, he is on adroid and i cant see how to do it. I just want to know!

OP posts:
DoYouReally · 27/04/2025 15:45

Why are you focusing in the messages?

You should focus on:

  • you have a husband who regularly behaves in a disrespectful manner
  • you have a husband who you don't trust and rightly so
  • you have s husband who assaulted you

If he were me DH, I woukd be giving him away to the OW.

ExtraOnions · 27/04/2025 15:48

You don’t trust him.

When you feel you need to check your partners phone, I think things are doomed.

Original poster
Icygreenraven · 27/04/2025 15:49

I think i just want to see something that proves its not a friendship. But my gut tells me somethings not right. I gave it my all. But its taking such a toll now. Its just when he makes me question myself, i think is it in my head. But its not!

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 27/04/2025 15:52

Icygreenraven · 27/04/2025 15:49

I think i just want to see something that proves its not a friendship. But my gut tells me somethings not right. I gave it my all. But its taking such a toll now. Its just when he makes me question myself, i think is it in my head. But its not!

You know it's not a friendship. No one behaves like that over innocent friendship messages. You gave him the benefit of the doubt/let him talk you around last time so he's decided he can get away with it and you'll put up with anything. Regardless of what the messages said, the way he reacted and treated you in that moment is reason enough to call it a day, walk away and free yourself.

YesHonestly · 27/04/2025 15:52

You already know!

Stop looking for “proof” before you make a decision. He refused counselling last time and wrestled you to the floor to stop you seeing what was on his phone. He’s got no respect for you or your relationship. Jesus Christ, he couldn’t be more obvious. Just leave him! He won’t change.

MoominMai · 27/04/2025 15:52

DoYouReally · 27/04/2025 15:45

Why are you focusing in the messages?

You should focus on:

  • you have a husband who regularly behaves in a disrespectful manner
  • you have a husband who you don't trust and rightly so
  • you have s husband who assaulted you

If he were me DH, I woukd be giving him away to the OW.

This. 💯

SoManyIdiotsSoLittleTime · 27/04/2025 15:53

This is not how healthy relationships function. You need to get rid. You deserve so much better than this. Value your worth.

LoudSnoringDog · 27/04/2025 15:55

Of course he’s lying to you. People who are not up to anything dodgy don’t need to wrestle their partner to the floor.

wtf

Coconutter24 · 27/04/2025 15:58

If it was innocent you wouldn’t be wrestling over a phone

TreeDudette · 27/04/2025 15:58

If it looks like a duck & quacks like a duck then it’s a duck..

He looks like a cheat, sounds like a cheat, acts like a cheat…. He’s cheating on you and you are turning a blind eye because you don’t want to deal with it.

Glitchymn1 · 27/04/2025 16:01

Sofiewoo · 27/04/2025 15:36

Anyone who wrestles you to the floor to stop you looking at their phone is not innocent.

^ This

Amateurs10 · 27/04/2025 16:02

Could it be clearer?
No.
Don't discuss it.
Just start planning and get ahead of it.
Gathering paperwork.
Telling family and friends.
Protect yourself.

Purplesunflowers · 27/04/2025 16:11

I had a very similar situation with my ex husband, even down to him wrestling the phone out of my hands & making me continually doubt myself. In hindsight that should have been the end right there & then. I stupidly buried my head in the sand & accepted his bullshit excuses for a while longer. No surprises it eventually turned out he had cheated on multiple occasions throughout our marriage. I completely understand that need to ‘know’ for definite but if your instinct tells you he’s a cheat & a liar, trust your gut. These ‘men’ don’t change. Life is short & you deserve better. Staying means death by a thousand paper cuts.

murasaki · 27/04/2025 16:12

The phone stuff is a problem.

The assault is a major problem.

Swiftie1878 · 27/04/2025 16:13

Icygreenraven · 27/04/2025 15:45

Thanks for your quick replies. I do agree with all of them. He is so good at making me doubt myself.

I wish i could restore, he is on adroid and i cant see how to do it. I just want to know!

You already know…

Notimeforaname · 27/04/2025 16:14

Yes he is lying to you and more than likely cheating. This man does not care about you. Tell him to leave, or you go.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 27/04/2025 16:15

If he was innocent he wouldn’t have wrestled you or immediately gone on to his phone and deleted the message so you couldn’t access it later. He’s not willing to work on your marriage in terms of being faithful (because it sounds like he’s at least emotionally crossed lines, if not physically) or attending counselling, so what exactly is he offering? Access to a phone he’s clever enough to hide things on? A relationship which has you questioning your sanity when your gut knows exactly what is going on? I think you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to settle for that.