To get so irritated by DH drinking

[Mumoftwo52]

DH drinks 4 nights a week without fail.
he would have to be deathly ill to miss a weekend of drinking.
Usually has half a bottle of wine followed by 2 double whiskeys. Or 2 cans of beer followed by whiskeys. So about 7-8 units.
Admittedly not a serious drinking problem, but I still hate it. I vocalise my annoyance regularly and he gets defensive/minimises it ( eg ‘it’s only a small can of beer’)
but I hate the smell of it on him, his snoring, the fact he becomes more sensitive.
but I also know that my not drinking might be skewing my view of what’s ‘normal’.
this has become a major pain point in our marriage.
FWIW his father was an alcoholic (now sober multiple decades) and his mother also has a drinking problem.

Yeah that’s a lot four nights a week, I’d get annoyed too. Does he not realise that’s a lot of booze mid week?

That.qualifies as a drinking problem to me.

He doesn’t think so. Justifies it by saying he needs it to relax after a long day of work / childcare (we have 2 young DCs).

Dont we all work and do childcare? There are other ways to relax.

Sounds like an alcoholic, my DH drinking was similar and regularly has massive sessions. I also rarely drink. It annoys me cos of all the same reasons as you, health issues and the amount of family income which goes to his drinking. His dad is defo an alcoholic too, bit sad all in all and has definitely ruined our relationship

I don't think this is resolvable OP. If you're teetotal and find drinking irritating, you need a partner who doesn't drink habitually with a genetic propensity for alcoholism. Because 'irritation' at the drinking of others ime is usually down to one of two things. Either their drinking is problematic and your feelings are justified. Or (and this is me) you have issues arising from past experience of problem drinking and their drinking triggers you. The only way forward is for your partner to drink at your comfort levels, and many people would consider that too much an ask, because drinking is too important to them.

That's a lot of drink, but I doubt you can change it, will need to come from him.

Sounds like he is an alcoholic. Are there other consequences (eg does he do his share of childcare, does he get angry etc).

If he feels he needs alcohol to relax, he has a drinking problem. He’d obviously never admit he does have a problem, not many people with one do unless they’re serious about sorting it out.

Denial allows him to continue the pattern and continue to convince himself he’s justified in drinking as much as he does 🤷‍♀️

It’s not normal and YANBU to be irritated. I’d be concerned more than irritated though.

Would hate that in dh. Wouldn't have liked my dad to be drinking glasses of whiskey while l was growing up. They will begin to notice soon. But l don't know what you can do. Would he even cut down to Friday/ Saturday so not before work/ school. Does he drink more on holidays?

No, he’s a happy drunk and he’s totally functioning in all other ways - great dad, holding down a good job etc etc.
Hence why it’s easy to feel like I’m overreacting, but I also know he’s dependent on it and can’t go a week without (I’ve tried to take advantage of his competitive side by ‘betting’ he can’t go a week without alcohol, and he will never even attempt it)

He used to be fairly strict about keeping it to 3 days a week (Friday / Saturdays and 1 mid-week night) but the past year it’s been 4 nights and yes he drinks virtually every night if we go on holiday. ‘I’m on holiday, I’m enjoying myself. it’s fineeeee’

Not with 2 young children

It's definitely not ideal- not healthy and must be expensive! Drinking every day on holiday is very normal though

7-8 units four nights a week is more than double the recommended amount, so not only does he have a drinking problem, he is risking his health. Send him to his GP.

25ml.of whiskey is 1 unit, so 2 doubles is 4. It's he measuring them out or free pouring? Most bottles of wine are 10 units.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and I'm left ruined and robbed of my childhood. Lots of adverse childhood experiences (Aces) have not done me any favours. I would urge you to assess whether this is sustainable long term, and what happens when his drinking increases. It goes to 3 doubles. Most of the bottle. Hiding booze. Going on benders. Passing out drunk with booze all over himself. Still can't smell stale booze or spilt beer without feeling all that again. Your kids don't deserve this.

That’s quite an escalation in a year.

What does he say on the subject of genetic propensity?

My husband does this, and I call him an Adrian Charles alcoholic. If they are still on I player I would recommend watching his documentaries, where he explores how he drinks frequently and but never to excess.

The Adrien Charles documentary has some good tips on cutting down, but unless your DH wants to change it's pointless.

That would make me worried too.Especially the double whiskeys.
Tbh I'm sometimes uptight around my own DHs drinking. He's a very sociable person and has no 'off switch' once a bottle of wine is open or people come round.
However he's done dry January for years- long before it became a thingTo prove to himself he can because 2 of his uncles were alcoholic. I like the odd glass of red wine but have no capacity for alchohol really and sometimes wonder if I'm a killjoy when I'm getting annoyed that he's opening another bottle but it's only when he's relaxed in company with others that drink more.
But I know what it's like to watch someone drink a large amount of alchohol in one evening and feel increasingly irritated even if they are a pleasant drunk.
It's the inability to break the habit and 4 nights a week that would concern me OP.

My partner is a functioning alcoholic, lovely bloke but a real drinker. His family are all huge drinkers too. He drinks a minimum of two bottles of wine every day. Generally he's ok but will occasionally be so drunk he can't function, ironically when he's been out. Usually he starts drinking in the afternoon and just carries on, so I guess drinks slowly but consistently. We don't have children. My experience indicates that it's only when people think they have a problem that they do something about it. I have talked to him about it but he isn't interested. Drinking is normal for him and he doesn't want to stop or doesn't see the need. From what you describe I would be concerned about your children seeing him drinking because it normalises it. Maybe if you talked to him about that he would be more open to thinking about his drinking.

Has he got any hobbies? Or can you encourage them? I know that’s very hard with two young dc but he seems like he needs escapism.

we also have two young dc 1 and 3, my husband sits and plays fifa for a couple of hours before bed and does the dream feed for our youngest. It’s not the most inspiring hobby but better than drinking

It's all fun and games for him until he starts shitting and pissing the bed. Something he can look forward to if he carries on down this trajectory....

You partner doesn't see it as a problem.
You do.
If he can't go a week without it then he has a problem.
But I suppose i tend to think from the children's prospective. Does this mean you can't leave the house on the evenings because he wouldn't be able to stop himself drinking while caring for the kids? Then the kids aren't safe in his care.
Would you be happy with your kids either drinking the same as their dad? Or being with someone drinking like their dad?
Because this is teaching them it is fine. I wouldn't be happy about that.
Also financially that is a chunk of money, are you comfortable and have that money to spare?
Then there are the health risks.

He's having up to 40 units of alcohol every week - of course he's an alcoholic

As others have said though - he has to want to change. I would seek support for yourself OP.

This is called a functioning alcoholic. I hope some of the replies on here are a reality check for you @Mumoftwo52 - if you can firstly accept this “label” maybe you can help him to see it too.

You can’t safely leave your kids in his care 4 nights a week. Everyone has a different idea of what great dad is I suppose..