To get so irritated by DH drinking

[Mumoftwo52]

DH drinks 4 nights a week without fail.
he would have to be deathly ill to miss a weekend of drinking.
Usually has half a bottle of wine followed by 2 double whiskeys. Or 2 cans of beer followed by whiskeys. So about 7-8 units.
Admittedly not a serious drinking problem, but I still hate it. I vocalise my annoyance regularly and he gets defensive/minimises it ( eg ‘it’s only a small can of beer’)
but I hate the smell of it on him, his snoring, the fact he becomes more sensitive.
but I also know that my not drinking might be skewing my view of what’s ‘normal’.
this has become a major pain point in our marriage.
FWIW his father was an alcoholic (now sober multiple decades) and his mother also has a drinking problem.

His liver will be taking a serious beating OP. I left my exH over that level of alcohol use (and occasional coked up weekends). No kids so easier for me, I really feel for you as it's painful to see someone needing to escape life so frequently and being in utter denial that it's unhealthy. I saw a good counsellor at the time and she drummed into me that that the denial of an alcoholic is so deep, you'll never get through.

That’s a problem drinker Yanbu

only advise I had was join Al Anon for a support network for you

I've never said iRL but my DH has a drinking problem. He drinks every night , most of a bottle of wine , sometimes more. There's always a silly excuse - he's celebrating/commiserating football results, had a stressful day or week at work. He falls asleep in front of the tv every night and we can't have a serious conversation in the evening because he won't remember it. Last week he went out and can't remember how he got home. He justifies it because most of his family drink a lot.

We have teens, I have to do all the pick ups after about 8pm because he will have been drinking

Thanks, I’ll take a look.

OP, sadly, this is alcoholism (I come from a family of alcoholics and have been sober for 15 years).

Nothing will change until he wants it to.

It might be worth finding some things for him to read (you'll easily find them online) re the liver. The liver is a very forgiving organ and carries on, and on, and on...... until the day that it doesn't. There is often no warning - none at all. Even liver function tests (see the GP) can be normal and then, suddenly, wham! The choice then is stark: never drink again, or die.

I won't say anything about my child, because it is their story, but I promise you that your husband's behaviour is seriously damaging your children.

I'm so sorry.

This was my husband until he had a heart attack. Now he drinks more moderately 2x weekly and eats a very healthy diet and exercises daily. It was his wake up call.

Just to add to a point made upthread...
Effectively, despite him being a 'great dad', you are a single parent, in that you can never safely leave him alone with the children in the evening, or on holiday (or at any other time when he might have a drink - neighbour/friend calls round at lunchtime etc etc). This isn't because he's a bad person, but because our judgement is skewed when we have had alcohol, so that we fail to see potential danger, and make different decisions to those we would make when sober.

Yanbu, drinking four nights a week is alot to me. The problem is four nights will usually become more. A half bottle of wine and two whiskies will increase over time.

My mum was an alcoholic and so is one of my siblings and so was my grandfather. I gave myself a rule from a very young age I'd never drink during the week, alone, the night before work or more than once a weekend, to ensure I didn't become alcohol dependant.

I think when there is Alcoholism in your family you need to be really aware of your drinking and cautious with it, as it can be hereditary.

That's the thing with Alcoholics and what me and DH have found with my sibling, there's always a reason to be found to celebrate or commiserate in order to drink. They even drink because it's new hair day, or because they got a new outfit. There has been some ridiculous reasons over the years.

I'm guessing meant Adrian Chiles

OP I feel exactly same, this weekend has been so hard because I've been feeling at the end of the road dealing with this. I'm so irritated.

My oh drinks about 10-15 units most nights, has one night off a week, sometimes he tries for 2. His whole manner changes slightly when he's drunk, he forgets conversations we've had, he doesn't eat dinner with us, repeats himself again and again,he's slightly agitated and edgy (he starts fussing over me weirdly, making me cup of tea after cup of tea, bring me me snacks, checking in on me constantly), making plans that will never materialise. I feel responsible for everything because he can't remember details and obviously can't arrive anywhere in an evening. He has no hobbies or interests .The snoring, the slurring. He's then tired and unmotivated the day after. It's normal in our circle and families so I feel like the outsider by not drinking. I feel detached and just make plans by myself and with friends. I'm alone a lot at the weekend.

I don't know how much more I can take, but I've one child doing A levels and don't want to disrupt him. I just wish he could just cut down, I'm so sad. I'm sorry you and other posters are going through it too. It's sad and exasperating. I dread to think how his health is going to be down the line. I get scared of leaving in case he spirals (or could it be a wake up call to go sober) Maybe I need to keep coming back to this thread to remind me why I need to leave.

Thanks everyone for replying. I’ve had it out with him this morning and he was of course defensive and said he doesn’t know what the issue is given he drinks once kids are asleep and is able to be normal / a good parent / doesn’t get angry etc. I sad it’s upsetting that my concerns are dismissed and that they are legitimate concerning eg his health. He at least agreed to cutting his drinking from 4 nights a week to 3, so we’ll see how that goes and whether he sticks to it 🙏

That sounds really rough, and it’s easy to feel gaslit into thinking you’re the unreasonable one for saying anything because drinking is totally ‘normal’.
.

You say it's not a serious drinking problem but I suspect it might be. Especially given the family history. He always has a reason why it's ok.... I'm on holiday, it's only 3 days. Now it's only 4 days. The concern is that in a year or 2 it'll be 5 days, then 7 days.

Perhaps ring Alanon for a chat with someone with someone more knowledgeable.

I feel for you, OP, I really do.

my DH was a really heavy drinker. Nights out, nights in, celebrations, commiserations - nothing seemed worthwhile or fun to him if drink was not involved.

It’s a long story, but we eventually, after many false starts, I ended up sitting him down and telling him I was losing respect for him. That as a partner, having a jaded, blurry, slurry person as my husband wasn’t something I wanted and that he was sliding into very dangerous territory with his own life and health.

i meant it, it was 100% true, and luckily, he took it onboard and is now far more measured about what and when he drinks.

It’s not fun or fair living with someone who is permanently dulled by alcohol and he needs to know that.

My ex used to binge drink and I get it about the smell and snoring.

I stopped drinking years before and just found it easier to go to bed in case my ex’s jovial mood switched to something more difficult.

Your husband won’t change until he wants to, even if you tell him he is damaging his health. So my only suggestion would be that you find a solution to the smell and snoring - I think that’s not unreasonable.

So either take yourself off somewhere else for the night, or tell him to sleep elsewhere ie on the sofa.

He needs to understand that his drinking impacts you as well. You have the right to seek a remedy away from the unpleasant side effects of his drinking, if he has the right to drink enough alcohol that it affects you.

Just divorcing a drinker. Started off as Fri/Sat nights, now every night 16 units. Still works and functions but ive had enough. Its crept up over the years. When drinking does not participate in parenting, shouty, angry, slams doors. Will not have it that were splitting up over his drinking! Im the problem apparently as i dont drink anymore! Cant wait to be rid of him and peace is restored in the house. Lifes too short to be managing someones problem they will not take accountability for

@Mumoftwo52 OP I am speaking as a recovering alcoholic. Please make your DH aware it’s not about the amount, it’s about the dependency. You say yourself he would need to be deathly ill to miss drinking. That equates a drinking problem.

He will say he will cut down, it will slowly creep back up and youll find yourself policing his drinking. He will ask if its ok if he drinks on a tuesday because the footballs on/its a curry your eating so requires a beer to wash it down/its his mates birthday so their going pub to celebrate etc etc

with alcoholism in his family, he really needs to be very careful himself and also you may find your children are also susceptible to it in their lives, especially seeing it normalised.

louis theroux - drinking to oblivion is a good watch

That’s over his units, for a start. Then you have to tolerate someone who is half cut a good deal of the time when the kids are in bed. I’m not surprised you’re upset.

@Mumoftwo52 could you rely on him to stay sober for a night so you could go out with friends?

I’d write it down with examples.

on holiday if he drinks to excess - it means he can’t be the responsible or even an equal parent. It means you can’t have a break, you have to be the one folks will turn to if there is an accident or emergency. You have to be the one to sort out tired or bickering kids. Do you also have to navigate situations caused by your husbands drinking?

My partner used to drink to excess in social situations and would get pissy and belligerent with folks and I alway had to be the peace keeper. He wouldn’t have been any use if someone attacked us due to his behaviour. I had a word a few years into our relationship and he cut out all excessive drinking. It was that or I walked as I don’t want a relationship where his access to alcohol is more important than a healthy relationship.

Does he understand how much his drinking is taking away from his family.

id no longer find my partner sexually appealing if being pawed at by him when drunk. The smell..

the smell the next day when its oozing out of him. The sweaty bedding.

the snoring. The long term health implications.

the snappiness.

good luck op. I think he has to understand he’s heading into make or break territory.

I unfortunately have a similar scenario as you except my husband drinks a whole bottle of 13% wine(he doesn’t care what it tastes like, he just looks for the highest %) he also drinks 4/6 cans of 9% beer, every night of the week, like your husband, the snoring, the sensitivity but also the weight gain 6 stone, he had cancer last year, he’s in remission now but they check his blood regularly as he’s having maintenance treatment and as long as his liver and kidney function comes back normal, he thinks that it ok to drink. like you I no longer drink and have gone back to the gym as I gained quite a bit last year from stress eating with the situation with him, He says he giving up today !!!!! I’ll believe it when I see it.

If he is free pouring the whiskey then he is probably having more like 13 units at a time.

Wondering if your DP drives Barney16? I hate drink driving yet was guilty of doing it myself - at my worst, I was getting through 3 bottles of wine a day but thought nothing of still getting behind the wheel. My car now has several bumps & scrapes & how I didn’t have a serious accident I will never know.

I would say that’s a serious drinking problem. Especially as he doesn’t seem to be able to do without.