AIBU - scared of being alone over night

[MummaHud]

I’m scared of being alone over night and my fiance says I’m being unreasonable, I always worry someone’s going to break in or somethings going to go wrong, all the noises freak me out.

I can’t be the only one?!

Edited below to add quote

Absolutely not - I had a recurring dream as a child (and occasionally now) where I am in a house in the dark and none of the lights will work - therefore I am scared of the dark if I am alone. The first time I lived alone in my 20’s I used to lie awake listening to the house creaking and I was so scared but luckily they had just started opening a local supermarket 24 hours a day so I used to go do my grocery shopping at 2am because then I wasn’t alone in the house. I did get used to it but I was always uneasy. It’s a legitimate fear and not something you can just ‘have a word’ with yourself about. You are not being unreasonable.

I really hope you are kidding

In this scenario the OP has gone from having an unpleasant but treatable case of anxiety to being a full time vigilante against forces that don’t actually exist

There was a lovely thread awhile back, the poster had a similar fear. She got some really supportive advice and was able to actually overcome the fear .

I hope this link works.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5098290-rather-embarrassing-i-am-in-my-early-60s-and-still-afraid-of-sleeping-in-the-house-by-myself-how-do-i-overcome-this?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Aw I can relate to this. I really don't like being on my own at home alone. I have bad anxiety since I was a kid about it.
I think it comes from when I used to stay over at my grandparents house at the weekends and their garden shed was robbed of tools a couple of times. Also someone tried to break in to their house but the dog saw them off.
Then my Mum was a single parent in the 80's and I used to stay up late sometimes and watch Crimewatch UK with her. 😂

I feel more on edge when DH is away. I lock the doors earlier than usual, get more worried if DC are unwell as anything like an asthma attack would mean I'm handling it alone, and am more alert to noises.

If you don’t want to wade through the thread I linked, I’ve copied the poster’s brilliant advice here on what worked for her, hope it’s useful for you:

Okay .... it has worked!!!!... I have now slept 4 nights solo in my house feeling warm and secure and couldn't believe how relaxed I felt last night....I recognise it is early stages, and still fragile but IT IS WORKING. Rather looking forward to DH being away again to see how far I can take it.
This is what I did... both to celebrate with all of you, and in case there's anything helpful to anyone else...
Saturday (an hour or so): I recognised I was utterly fed up of feeling afraid in my own house, and how it took away so much from me. I decided to start exploring my fears.
I looked at what I was afraid of (violent men lurking in the dark) and what I wanted (to feel confident joyful and carefree when alone in the house). I asked myself how likely it was that there would be a violent man lurking in the shadows - never happened, I know no one to whom it has happened in their own home. I talked to myself about how absurd my belief was. I then thought about what I would do if it did actually happen and realised that I would probably cope very well - when I've had to deal with violent men in real life, I've been calm and powerful and managed to save myself. (Yes, I do realise I have been lucky.)
Sunday (a couple of hours): I started focussing more on what I did want , and imagined myself cavorting round my dark house feeling powerful and reclaiming it as my safe place. Although I didn't actually do this, just imagining it was very energising and made me feel powerful.
I posted on Mumsnet for advice and doing this helped me make what I wanted to happen feel more real. As well as giving me confidence I would actually do it.
I read up online, both what experts said and experiences of those who had conquered their fears - the most inspiring was a woman in her 20s who'd been a teacher in an old french abbey, alone there at night, terrified for weeks and then changed her mindset, and revelled in exploring it at night.
I chose the tactics that felt most appropriate to me:
taking small steps - doing it gradually (so I recognised that leaving lights on and doors closed the first 3 nights was a good idea - full darkness can come later)Preparing while it was still light - so things were set up for me to be ready for darknessdoing just pleasurable things from around 8pm, and nothing confronting in any way so I'd be calm and ready for the night - comforting relaxing music, good food, gentle tidying up, favourite bubble bath, a friend to chat to on the phone for a bitso I felt looked after, cared for, cherishedI did lots of imagining - knowing my big imagination had created the fears, it could create the joy and confidence too... so lots of fun imagining dancing around my house after dark reclaiming itafter my bath, I walked tall and confidently to my bedroom, welcoming the night and darkness around me I realised how important to me it was to change my language from conquering fear to the more positive: embracing loving being solo in my own home and feeling powerful in it after dark. Focussing on this really helpedI paused quite often to just celebrate being where I was and feeling confident and happy about it... In bed, I did relaxing things I enjoy and some lovely breathing /yoga like exercise tapes - and again celebrated being in my beautiful house
I went to sleep so calmly and easily the first night
The second night was fine but less good - I realised I'd done a couple of things that were less nurturing and spent less time celebrating being confident in the dark in my own home so felt a bit jangled, not afraid (so that was progress) but took longer to get to sleep as I was unsettled
The third night I learnt from this and repeated my first night approach, ensuring I only did "lovely" stuff
The fourth night surprised me - I felt so relaxed, as if I had never been afraid in the house... I pushed the limits a bit, going into the garden in the dark and then coming back into the house. I still left lights on, not so many but more than when others are home. And went to sleep happy and confident
So ... looking forward to next time when I'll explore turning more lights off and get to know my house in the dark... step by step literally!
Huge thanks fellow Mumsnetters for being there while I made my journey - I can't believe quite how easy it felt in the end, and how long I have been fearful in my own house, dreading being alone after dark, full of fear and dark imaginings

Have you never lived by yourself? Did you go to university? Is your mum enabling your anxiety? What are you teaching your DD?

What if you split up how would you cope then? Sure on the surface poster's agreeing with you may be something you want to hear but no this is not healthy and not normal and i can't see how it wouldn't affect any children you have

And no I don't it is helpful to pat you on the head and say 'there there it is ok I am neurotic too' you need to address it

It must be a thing because my DH was away and my FIL asked if I was scared being in the house by myself alone. I thought it was a strange thing to ask a grown up but then figured his partner must have been.

I sometimes have a moment of worrying about the logistics of getting 2 kids out by myself in case of a fire but just remind myself the risk of it is very small.

Struggling to understand how this is new. Sorry if I’ve missed your age but surely being alone isn’t wildly unknown to you?

You perhaps need some therapy to deal with your separation anxiety & fear of being by yourself. Neither are problems which cannot be tackled in my experience - good luck xx

I have a friend like that, can't understand it myself having lived alone for most of my life.

I understand, I think it's common. I know it's a bit simplistic to say 'Get a dog' but I do feel a lot better having our dog around. She makes a lot of noise if she hears anything odd and I think it would deter burglars.

I don’t understand it because I have had to spend nights on my own since the age of 16. But just because I don’t understand it doesn’t mean it isn’t shit for you and you hate it. Can you break it down and look at what the issues are? Then look at ways to counter those issues? I definitely think it would be good to look at the root cause of this anxiety and dealing with it

Sorry you're scared, that's not nice for you. Try to overcome it - see upthread how many people live alone through circumstances changing. My wildly anxious mother lives alone since my dad walked out 15 years ago. If she can do it anyone can.

I have moments of fear when OH is away but put any spooky noises down to the cat prowling. Pets help!

Wow you are getting a hard time here.

I absolutely get this. I used to have horrific panic attacks. It was awful and I felt awful as my DH needs to work away a lot.

I was put on sertraline after one bad episode. I also had therapy which really helped. We think it is trauma from living in DV as a child and having people break in the house.

I found having a ring doorbell gave great peace of mind. Also a dog 🤣 she sleeps in with me when DH is away and it really helps soothe me.

Good luck OP 💚

As a single mother, I have no choice to be alone. And I’m completely fine like that. As a grown adult, I can’t imagine being any other way.
And even if I were anxious, I’d want to do something about it for fear of passing it on to my child(ren).

I grew up sharing a bedroom, then lived at home when I had my son as a teenager, bought and moved into our house with my dh.
One day when son was at uni, dh was away with work I suddenly realised that it was literally the first night I'd slept in a ROOM by myself EVER (and I was 38!) and been in the house alone. I found it creepy but managed but I definitely feel much more comfortable with another adult /older child in the home!

Hope you feel OK x

I don't like being alone in the house at night. I don't like the dark either, I never grew out of it - fortunately dh doesn't make me feel bad or shame med about it. We have a nighttime alarm in the house.

I sometimes have a moment of worrying about the logistics of getting 2 kids out by myself in case of a fire but just remind myself the risk of it is very small.

Escaping in the event of a fire is something that has always bothered me far more than someone getting in. If I go and stay with friends, I make sure I know how to get out, and where they leave keys if all their doors are locked, plus an alternative route out if the normal way is blocked. I do the same in hotels. Once I have an escape strategy, I'm fine.

I never lock my back door overnight, and the bedroom windows aren't locked either, as that is my escape route if the normal one is blocked. When I had dogs, I even had a strategy for getting them out (they were small dogs, so they'd be plonked into the duvet cover and lowered to the ground from the roof of the bay window!).

With me, this is learned behaviour: when I was a child, if we went to the cinema or something, my mother would point out the nearest emergency exit and the next nearest, in case the nearest one was unusable.

If I was scared of being alone overnight, I think I'd try getting therapy or something. It must be very restricting.

You need some help to deal with this unreasonable fear, OP, because the risk is that you will pass it on to your daughter. You wouldn't want her, as an adult, to be scared, I'm sure.
And please don't perpetuate the stereotype that women "can't cope", or need to be looked after.
We are perfectly capable of living alone - and many of us really enjoy our alone time, overnights included.

I agree.

God knows how my mother would have coped if she'd been like this. My father worked overseas a lot from his mid-30s, and was sometimes away for a few months at a time. She was used to it from the early days of their marriage, he was in the navy and was in the far east when I was born, and didn't see me until I was about 3 months old.

If this is a real post, yes you are being hugely unreasonable. Also you might want to consider therapy. This is weird. "If something goes wrong?" Like what? A light bulb goes? Kettle stops working? It's 2025! I would be hugely embarrassed to have raised a woman like this.

There's a whole lot of difference between "liking company at night" and so scared you have to decamp with your child overnight to stay with someone else. I think that's at the point where you need to get help.

I've always lived alone as an adult. I bought my first house at 24 and I'm now 46. I wasn't scared that first night when I just slept in an empty house with just a sleeping bag and blow up bed and no furniture, and realistically never have been. Possibly 10 nights in total something has fallen or dislodged (usually a suction hook thing in the bathroom giving way) and I've woken up in a panic, and maybe 3 occasions when that's happened in the middle of a dream and I've thought someone might be downstairs.

It's so far removed from my own experience it wouldn't even cross my mind that grown adults would even be scared of that.

YABU

Get help for a unreasonable fear.

And take control of your life: get your locks strong and lock up.