AIBU - scared of being alone over night

[MummaHud]

I’m scared of being alone over night and my fiance says I’m being unreasonable, I always worry someone’s going to break in or somethings going to go wrong, all the noises freak me out.

I can’t be the only one?!

DH was working permanent nights when DS was born so I was alone with a newborn every night - you get used to it but have to brave that first time. It's a bit weird I get it. When it was just me before I was pregnant I used to drop DH off at work and then have a massive glass of wine ( or 2) but once PG obv did not. DH works 9-5 these days but did about 12 weeks working away M-F - loved it! DS is adult now and still at home so I still had someone else here with me. You can do it. Lovely being able to starfish in bed and suit yourself!

You say you have a dd.
Does she not live with you? If she does you aren't alone.

Yes she lives with me, I meant adult company!

You know the basics of home security.

Good locks on windows and doors, check them before you go to bed. Don't leave obviously valuable and portable things in view of windows. Lights on a timer if you are out. Don't share pictures of home on social media. Set your alarm if you have one. Put your car keys in a Faraday pouch. Take a charged mobile to bed with you.

Consider getting a dog if you are nervous, it doesn't have to be a big one. The best guard dog I know is a Jack Russell, who knows not to bark at night for badgers, cats or foxes, but tells the entire world if there are unidentified humans about. 🙂

And yes, having your mum over is a good idea. No sane burglar would have messed with my mum !

Getting a dog solely as a watchdog seems overkill.

So you are teaching your dd that adult women aren't capable of spending a night in their own home without another adult being present?
Surely you should be teaching her independence and confidence and self sufficiency?

I had never spent a night on my own until I separated from my DH aged 50 and our DS spent the weekend at his new flat for the first time
I hated it, slept on the sofa with the lights on and jumped every time I heard a sound.

But you get used to it quickly and I’ve now lived on my own for 3 years and actually can’t imagine living with anyone again I love my peace and quiet so much

Do you have close neighbours OP? I used to get scared being in my dads house on my own as he lived rurally and it was a bit creepy. My current house has two quite close neighbours and an overlooked garden so I feel safe alone overnight now.

Having a dog helps hugely. I used to be like you until we got a dog. He isn’t actually big or scary, but he certainly sounds it when he hears a noise and runs downstairs barking! And the slightest sounds alerts him, there is no way anyone would be able to get through either of our gates without him hearing, never mind getting near an actual door or window. It means I can sleep soundly as I know that he is listening out for issues 😄 and he sleeps on the bed beside me and that makes it easier to sleep as the bed doesn’t feel empty when DH is away

I think it's normal to be a bit frightened of being in your own overnight if you are not use to it but the only way to get comfortable with it is to do. The risk of anything bad happening is very low.

Make sure your doors and windows are locked, set your alarm and have your phone next to the bed.

I've lived alone for years and don't even think about it.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all- I also have never really liked being on my own overnight. I didn’t like being on my own in a shared house with few uni friends when they weren’t around, but I especially don’t like it now I have a young daughter and my partner has to regularly work away. For me i think it’s more of a safety perspective, so I double check locks, windows etc and I will cosleep with my daughter. I think I just try to be so rational and block out intrusive thoughts about it and make sure my phone is always charged next to me and I know I have neighbours next door that would likely hear something too. Could you maybe get a ring door bell or something to help?

I never sleep well when my husband is away on business. Having a ‘ring’ back and front helps though as it alerts me if someone is around. Also security lights that come on. I sleep with the window open when it is warm enough so I can listen out too. All you can do is make sure you have good locks and take precautions.

It doesn’t sound like it’s affecting you in a negative way as your df still goes away.

Some people leave the radio on at night, like R4 so they’ve got voices to hear.

Yes YABU but I understand the anxiety is not always rational. The chances of someone breaking into your house are pretty small and if anything goes wrong while he's away, you're a capable and intelligent woman and you will deal with it. You're not alone anyway, you have a child.

My DH worked away in the week for a long time. Having the children in the house made me brave - I knew I'd do anything to protect them. I had the occasional night when the odd noise would spook me but the more you do it, the less anxious you get and I actually came to love it - Having the big bed to myself, watching what I want on tv and just having cheese on toast for dinner!

I am nervous when alone at night.

things that cd help:

• I have a lock on my bedroom door. It has made an enormous difference - I think my fear was that I wd wake up and find someone in the house/ room.
• my next door neighbour had locks fitted downstairs on the internal doors so even if someone got in via a window, they wdnt progress through the house.

• setting alarm downstairs.

• leaving lights on downstairs

• putting dog bowls outside of your door and a sign up saying beware of dog

you might want to invite your child for a sleepover in your room if u think they’d find it fun - but don’t pass on your anxiety

I don't think YABU anymore than I would if you had a phobia of spiders or enclosed spaces. Despite what some people might thing we cannot always help the things we are afraid or anxious about, despite how silly or unreasonable they may seem.

I must admit I'm not mad on being alone overnight but I blame that on episodes of bloody Crimewatch back in the day and Nick Ross telling me not to have nightmares.

It's not bizarre, we are social animals, meant to be in a group, quite ok to feel scared alone at night. Very rational.

Oh bless you, I’m just the same and honestly I put Christmas movies on in bed the entire night until the sun comes up no matter what the time of year, they just put me in such a good mind set. Also, I practice self care to help me stay calm, a nice bath, face mask, my favourite food and wine! Try and romanticise the novelty of having the house to yourself, your safe x

YABU, but it’s still a very legitimate fear. I’m not sure what you’re asking though, are you saying he can never be away for the night?

“my next door neighbour had locks fitted downstairs on the internal doors so even if someone got in via a window, they wdnt progress through the house”

this is not a healthy way to live

years ago i did some cleaning jobs, one house had electric gates on the driveway, triple locks on the front and back door, all windows permanently locked and all the rooms were locked. I cleaned whilst the family were out and it was an absolute pain in the arse - both the parents were doctors - intelligent socialable people but their fear of being burgled messed with their kids lives, the place was a fortress

@happinessischocolate i wd agree it is extreme, but I wd rather someone put security measures in place to enable them to have a good night’s sleep than feeling that they had to endure fear.
my neighbour was an older woman on her own who didn’t want an alarm fitted and locks were her practical solution. she lived long and contentedly with a feeling of safety in her own home.

I think people’s level of comfort may b informed by their own experiences of crime or the prevalence of crime in their area. A close family member had a difficult break in experience and this probably is one reason I’m uneasy if by myself.

I just think some people have more fear than others and provided you’re not going off the scale and compounding your anxiety, it’s ok to take steps to mitigate

I know what you mean, so do this...

Add a video camera to your house. It's pretty cheap now set it so any movement pings on your phone.

Add an additional dead bolt to all doors tgat have direct access into your home nd make sure all windows have locks.

Put a lock on your bedroom door, or use a door stop so noone can enter yoyr bedroom. These even cone with alarms now too. Keep your golf clubs in your bedroom.

If you're still feeling afraid, get a dog. They are fabulous not only for emotional support - that's a 2 way street btw - but to tell you about stuff you won't be aware of. A big dog is best - breeds like mountain dogs/mastiffs are amazing but rotties are perfect family dogs and personal guard dogs at the same time. Your dog can be in your bedroom with you in their own bed if course.

I’ve been like this since early childhood. My DP had to be away for months which meant I was completely alone. I made sure to go to bed early after locking all the doors and windows and checking every closet and under beds. I also made sure I was quite tired by doing a long workout or taking a long hike earlier in the day, and had a hot bath before turning in.

It helped me sleep very well and after a few days, I was much more comfortable with it and no longer felt the need to check every crack in the house for something scary. I think that’s the key - to keep doing it until it’s no longer a big thing. I’d still rather not be alone but since proving to myself that I could survive, it no longer scares the life out of me.

My next alone in the darkness fear to overcome is to go camping on my own. I haven’t done it yet, but it’s a personal challenge that I am just about ready to face.

Find a good fluffy audiobook to listen to as you fall asleep. You’ll concentrate on that vs. any scary noises. Harry Potter is excellent as an example.

That is anxiety as you know

It’s important to get it treated or it will get worse so see your GP