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Original poster

To feel upset & hurt by this comment?

33 replies

colourblockss · 26/04/2025 22:23

me & a family member were messaging back and forth she’s pregnant with her 3rd child and i don’t want anymore kids (i have 1) she was discussing her pregnancy and in response i mentioned that i didn’t want anymore children and her response was “well i guess i was just made to be a mum and i love being a mum”
ive gone to bed feeling so hurt by her saying this because when someone says they don’t want anymore kids is that the right thing to respond? it’s like she was insinuating that i can’t love being a mum because i don’t want anymore kids.. It felt like a back handed dig. whether she meant it the way ive taken it i don’t know but read the room sometimes you know? like your not a better parent than me because you want loads of children and i don’t. We can all have different journeys and all equally enjoy being a parent wether we have 1 child or 5

OP posts:
ThatNimblePeer · 26/04/2025 22:28

She may have felt the same, that you were implicitly criticising her and her choices by saying you only want 1 child when you know she is pregnant with her third? Even if she is delighted by the pregnancy she may have some apprehensions around wrangling 3 kids etc and is maybe just feeling defensive about her choices and trying to remind herself as much as you that this is something she actively wants and has chosen? Unless she has form for being unpleasant I wouldn’t dwell on it too much.

OrigamiOwls · 26/04/2025 22:28

I don't think she meant it like that tbh

Original poster
colourblockss · 26/04/2025 22:31

ThatNimblePeer · 26/04/2025 22:28

She may have felt the same, that you were implicitly criticising her and her choices by saying you only want 1 child when you know she is pregnant with her third? Even if she is delighted by the pregnancy she may have some apprehensions around wrangling 3 kids etc and is maybe just feeling defensive about her choices and trying to remind herself as much as you that this is something she actively wants and has chosen? Unless she has form for being unpleasant I wouldn’t dwell on it too much.

i completely understand this and would agree but she does always make comments similar to this at me and it’s constant digs and remarks at me which are just getting me down and i’m taking them personal now you know

OP posts:
breadpie · 26/04/2025 22:57

Why start a discussion asking if it's unreasonable to be upset by a specific comment, when you are clearly upset by lots of comments she makes.

I think you are being over sensitive...

Changingplace · 26/04/2025 23:00

She sounds quite patronising tbh, you’re both entitled to your own choices, neither are inherently better or more correct than each other - having one child is just as valid as having 15, it doesn’t make her a ‘better’ mum because she has more children.

Pagwatch · 26/04/2025 23:10

Do you generally get on? Because really personal issues like this are terrible for causing misunderstandings and defensiveness. I get you’re feeling judged but maybe she is too?
my best friend had one child and I had three and we had to talk about it sometimes - that my saying ‘thank god my eldest can distract my youngest for five minutes’ wasn’t a dig and her saying ‘I love that I can give mine a whole hour of bath and bed routine without having to divvy my time up’ were just us saying stuff and not judgements. Maybe you’re hearing stuff that isn’t there

of course if you don’t like each other that’s a different thing entirely

Original poster
colourblockss · 26/04/2025 23:24

Pagwatch · 26/04/2025 23:10

Do you generally get on? Because really personal issues like this are terrible for causing misunderstandings and defensiveness. I get you’re feeling judged but maybe she is too?
my best friend had one child and I had three and we had to talk about it sometimes - that my saying ‘thank god my eldest can distract my youngest for five minutes’ wasn’t a dig and her saying ‘I love that I can give mine a whole hour of bath and bed routine without having to divvy my time up’ were just us saying stuff and not judgements. Maybe you’re hearing stuff that isn’t there

of course if you don’t like each other that’s a different thing entirely

Edited

yes we do get along and are quite close but there is a lot of remarks made towards me so i guess i am sensitive as it’s happened more than once. what you’re saying is fair though and you’re probably right

OP posts:
Tetchypants · 26/04/2025 23:28

Just reply “wait until they’re teenagers” and laugh, ominously.

Notknots · 26/04/2025 23:30

It sounds like there's a lot of history here. If it was a stranger you'd just met making the comment, would you take it the same way?

Only you (and her) know if she was making a dig.

You're not being sensitive to feel upset and offended by it, you're allowed to feel your feelings.
You also get to choose to dwell or let it go.

Personally I'd imagine I'm a duck and the comment is water off my back, doesn't touch me, doesn't hurt or sink in.

Pagwatch · 26/04/2025 23:32

Ah, that’s fine though - we’re allowed to be a bit sensitive.

Pagwatch · 26/04/2025 23:33

Tetchypants · 26/04/2025 23:28

Just reply “wait until they’re teenagers” and laugh, ominously.

Hahaha!
indeed

ClowningArounds · 26/04/2025 23:35

I would also feel annoyed by that remark to be honest.
There's a lot of implicit criticism of parents of onlies, which wouldn't be seen as acceptable to say about people with more children (can you imagine attributing someone's negative personality trait to 'the fact that they had siblings growing up'? Of course not... But that's what people do with onlies all the time).
However, whether it's worth saying anything to her about it or just letting it be water under the bridge is up to you. You could also have replies something like "Me too! And that why I'm so happy that DC gets to have all my time and love and energy".

Firefly1987 · 26/04/2025 23:35

I'm not sure why you felt the need to mention not wanting anymore kids tbh it kind of comes across as a dig.

Gustavo77 · 26/04/2025 23:35

She's not wrong though. You just have to read these boards and the number of people who only have one child because they don't want another and completely disregard the needs of their child as they go through the rest of their lives without a sibling is sickening.

Some people can't have more children which is completely different but those who can and don't because they don't want another is the height of selfishness and they are beneath contempt.

PersonalBest · 26/04/2025 23:37

Obviously I meant great grandparents alive, we all have great grandparents Blush

ClowningArounds · 26/04/2025 23:38

Gustavo77 · 26/04/2025 23:35

She's not wrong though. You just have to read these boards and the number of people who only have one child because they don't want another and completely disregard the needs of their child as they go through the rest of their lives without a sibling is sickening.

Some people can't have more children which is completely different but those who can and don't because they don't want another is the height of selfishness and they are beneath contempt.

What an unnecessarily hate-filled message! Has this thread triggered something for you?
If you read the amount of threads bemoaning their awful relationships with their siblings you might just reach the opposite conclusion.

AliBaliBee1234 · 26/04/2025 23:38

I can see why you might have taken this the wrong way but honestly, she's just explaining why she wants more than 1 child in response to you saying you wouldn't want to have any more.

Having 3 kids does mean giving it a big chunk of your life so it's good she feels that way.

TulaOfDarkWater · 26/04/2025 23:39

she was discussing her pregnancy and in response i mentioned that i didn’t want anymore children

Well to be honest if she was discussing her pregnancy, I don’t know why you responded to that by saying you didn’t want anymore children! To me that absolutely sounds like you’re having a dig at her / criticising her for having a third and she bit back.

You say she’s always making comments like that but I wonder if you’re also making comments that come across the wrong way and just don’t realise it.

Darkambergingerlily · 26/04/2025 23:41

Tbh I sort of get what she’s saying - If you have 3+ kids you’re clearly v into being a mum and motherhood. You enjoy it?

if you want only one child by choice you are clearly not as into motherhood as the 3+ ones. Obviously you’re still a good mother to your one but not really into it? A bit like someone who plays tennis once a week vs someone desperate to play tennis 3 times a week?!

nomas · 26/04/2025 23:41

she was discussing her pregnancy and in response i mentioned that i didn’t want anymore children and her response was “well i guess i was just made to be a mum and i love being a mum”
ive gone to bed feeling so hurt by her saying this because when someone says they don’t want anymore kids is that the right thing to respond?

Why is it ok for you to say you don’t want more kids but her saying she loves being a mum is not ok?

You seem to be applying a double standard here.

I agree with the poster, she probably felt judged by you. How can you be close to someone who you think makes loaded remarks to you? Why not hang out with people who make you feel
good?

Bestfadeplans · 26/04/2025 23:44

I think it was a dig. You aren't a better mum or "made to be a mum" because you have more than one or 101 kids. Some mums are better for not continuing to have more.

Bollindger · 26/04/2025 23:44

Your answer is this...
Thank god we all have different views on how many children we all want.
I love having 1 child and being able to watch them grow.

Wait till she has to do the sleepless nights again. Bet she envys you then, while she is arm deep in nappies...

EnhancedVampireEyeballs · 26/04/2025 23:45

Gustavo77 · 26/04/2025 23:35

She's not wrong though. You just have to read these boards and the number of people who only have one child because they don't want another and completely disregard the needs of their child as they go through the rest of their lives without a sibling is sickening.

Some people can't have more children which is completely different but those who can and don't because they don't want another is the height of selfishness and they are beneath contempt.

Fucking hell. You're being a bit hyperbolic, yes? "Sickening" and "beneath contempt", really? What happened to you to make you so full of hatred and vitriol?

Saphire123 · 27/04/2025 00:06

Gustavo77 · 26/04/2025 23:35

She's not wrong though. You just have to read these boards and the number of people who only have one child because they don't want another and completely disregard the needs of their child as they go through the rest of their lives without a sibling is sickening.

Some people can't have more children which is completely different but those who can and don't because they don't want another is the height of selfishness and they are beneath contempt.

What a load of bollocks.🙄

Original poster
colourblockss · 27/04/2025 07:56

Notknots · 26/04/2025 23:30

It sounds like there's a lot of history here. If it was a stranger you'd just met making the comment, would you take it the same way?

Only you (and her) know if she was making a dig.

You're not being sensitive to feel upset and offended by it, you're allowed to feel your feelings.
You also get to choose to dwell or let it go.

Personally I'd imagine I'm a duck and the comment is water off my back, doesn't touch me, doesn't hurt or sink in.

thank you appreciate your comment

OP posts: