For ending an exhausting friendship?

[RisetteMcG]

For context I'm married and have an autistic child.

I don't often reply for a few hours/days because I'm obviously busy with my own life. I try and respond whenever I'm on my phone but again, I don't have time/energy to even be on it.

I'm 27 and my friend is 28, she's engaged with no children.

I haven't responded to her for 24 hours as I've been extremely busy with my son and work. She's now put a story on Snapchat (yeah, this happens regularly) with a quote "people who ignore you until it suits them to talk to you, are not worth your time or friendship". I always apologise if I haven't answered but I'm just sick of feeling like I cannot have a life without rushing to message back.

I get she may be worried but never expresses that concern, just annoyed that I don't reply.

Am I wrong for calling her out and dissolving the friendship?

I had a friend like this and a very similar situation via social media. I blocked and moved on

Tell her to fuck off and grow up. I'm old, thats what I'd do.

Yes, it takes seconds to reply to a text asking a straightforward question, like what time to expect you for lunch.

If it's a general "chit chat" message, OP could reply immediately but her friend will likely take that as a green light for a sustained back-and-forth. I sometimes read a message but file it away to reply later, when I have the time (or brain space) to engage properly.

She’s at fault and unreasonable but you’ve been feeding her behaviour by apologising to her when you don’t answer immediately. Have you ever actually tried just telling her matter of factly, unapologetically and assertively that you won’t be answering messages immediately as you have a busy life, and that it doesn’t mean anything negative about how you feel about her as a friend?

if you’ve done this and she’s ignored it then fine fade her out, but I don’t understand the people on mumsnet who go straight to fade without first just stating to their friend in a matter of fact way what the problem is.

The point is you've been in touch so the next reply does not need to be so swift

How can you be sure she’s talking about you?

She'd have a field day with me OP.

50% of the time I don't know where my phone is, and when I do it's on silent & because it's some dodgy shit make it doesn't send notifications for what's app.

No regrets.

Maybe you're both in different stages of your lives here but I'm a bit on the fence about this one.

Friendships do require a bit of effort no matter how busy you are and someone taking 2 weeks to reply to me would tell me they aren't that worried about sustaining a friendship with me. I would never expect a reply straight away though. Or do a PA status online but she might not even have meant it for you?

That being said I do have friends who we don't talk for a few weeks and we are still great friends but I'd never leave someone on read for 2 weeks! I've got ADHD and I would have forgotten the conversation by then! I reply when they can but I have told them that. I also tell people I don't reply to messages when out with others as it's iust rude to not give my attention to the person I'm with.

I think maybe just tell your friend that you haven't got time to reply all day long. Just say to her if it's urgent to ring you but I will reply every few days when I have a moment. Tell her you aren't attached your phone and you need down time from dealing with your family.

It sounds to me though like you already want to end the friendship and not give her chance to correct it from her side. But if you haven't explained this to her and expect her to just get it, then you are being unreasonable, sometimes some people do it need it spelling out. Just get your big girl pants on and tell her. If she doesn't then you know she only thinks of herself.

Oh I've had this. Friend kept putting up passive aggressive social media posts up such as "people only contact you when they want something" etc shortly after I had sent her a message to check in with her. This happened several times, so eventually I sent a message saying not to bother anymore and I felt our friendship had run it's course. It was upsetting at the time but liberating.

In the kindest possible way, your child being autistic is irrelevant. (As in, you don't need an excuse to end the friendship) You have a child and a life of your own. I would be stepping back from this friendship as it is suffocating.

She is a mean person and very self absorbed. No one has time for that.

You are not wrong
People like that are needy and exhausting, I would let the friendship fizzle out as she clearly doesn’t understand the situation that you are in and is only concerned about herself

This is why I dislike WhatsApp! It somehow seems more immediate than texting and creates this expectation of an instant response. And don’t get me started on the nightmare flow of endless communication that is WhatsApp groups….

Back in the day it was generally ok to return a phone call within a couple of days. If it was that urgent then they would call again.

I’m sorry to say it, but this isn’t a real friendship.
This person does not care for your welfare 😔

Not unreasonable at all. I have done the same, I worked, she didn't but wasn't happy with me not replying straight away.

People on here are lightning-fast with their “LTB, end the friendship” etc. etc. ‘advice’. Firstly, are you sure that Snapchat post was about you? She’s probably like this with others as well.

Obviously I don’t know all the ins and outs of your friendship, but the next time you speak to her, maybe don’t mention that you saw the Snapchat story (unless she can see you’ve seen it - don’t know how it works), but maybe just tell her how stressed you are and how demanding things are with your child and say you can’t always chat when you want to. I.e. try to appeal to her better nature (obviously only works if she has one)

Hopefully she’ll get the message, if not then she’s being unreasonable. But I wouldn’t just dump her without maybe trying to get her to understand

Why the need to “call her out” at all? Why not ask privately if something is wrong? Because that doesn’t get you attention on social media - that’s why.

Funny how her reaction isn’t to check if OP is okay, or wonder if she’s lost her phone. It’s straight to a passive aggressive “What about meeee? Pay attention to me!!!”

People who post passive aggressive stuff about their personal needs on social media are over the top. That's besides her unreasonable expectation that a busy mom answer something on her timeframe, not yours.

Lose the "friend".

You need better friends.
You know that saying about some friends being like radiators, and others being like drains? She's not going to change, as told goes on she's going to be more and more annoyed that you aren't excited and available for the things that are important to her, while ignoring and downplaying the things that are important to you.

She’s unhappy with your friendship dynamic - she needs quicker responses from you to be happy.
You are unable to reply quickly to messages due to the shape of your life and responsibilities.

You are a mismatch. Let her go. You’re both making each other unhappy.

You know that saying about some friends being like radiators

Every so often the build up of hot air gets too much, and you feel a desire to make them bleed?

I don’t think this friendship will work for you OP. You have enough on your plate. And your priorities and that of your friend differ quite a bit it would seem. Life is too short for this kind of silly pressure from her. Let it go, I would suggest. Life is stressful enough without this kind of daftness on your friend’s part. I do feel for you as I have had similiar experiences with a work colleague and a friend. I won’t go on about the colleague or we will be here all day! 😂😂

[I had a friend who would send about 6 whatsapps all boiling down to what could be said in a single msg. When I replied, my msg would be followed up with loads of questions. All on separate messages and then the all ok messages would follow if I didn’t reply asap. I explained to her that I was feeling overwhelmed (had a sudden bereavement) and would let her know that when I was back online as it were. Still the messages came and come to this day. I have simply archived the chat as it was clear that she was unwilling to stop messaging. What drove me loopy at one stage is that she kept hassling me about various Xmas drinks when they were the last thing I felt like with my bereavement. No understanding shown at all so I have had to leave things there. She should have been a blooming detective she asked so many questions and she was well know for her love of challenging what people said. Otherwise, a lovely woman who I was very fond of but I don’t have the inclination or energy for the need to be on WhatsApp and responsive at the level she wants. The chasing did my head in tbh. Other friends have been fab and gentle with my bereavement and I never felt under pressure from them. I realised that we are two very different people: she lives on FB and documents a lot of what she does on it. Im no longer on FB. I’m more Greta Garbo!😂😂. Really value my privacy and space.

Sorry that was a real rant looking back at it but good to get it out! Apols OP and anyone who has read to the end!]

Just don't message her and if she asks why tell her because she puts passive aggressive messages on SM

Sorry not rtft but the fact your child autistic is irrelevant - you are allowed to reply to her when it's convenient for you. Bin her off.

I don’t have any kids, and if my friends expected me to drop everything and reply to them immediately every time they message me I’d think they were mental.

People like your 'friend' are crazy and need to get a life.

I couldn't be bothered with someone like that and would tell her she is high maintenance.