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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wanting a lie-in

64 replies

GlowyJelly · 26/04/2025 11:26

I’m actually not sure if I am being unreasonable and probably need to be told to just get up!

I work very long hours Mon-Fri (get up 5am, arrive home 6 normally but this week is was 8.30 for two nights running). DH also works full time but he works from home, with breaks and an hour lunch everyday during which he goes to the gym. He takes our two DC to primary school, walks the dog, puts loads of washing in around his day so he does help a lot at home too. When I am home, which is weekend and all of the holidays (I work in education), I do everything. Overall he will end up doing more of the house stuff but I am the higher earner by a lot too. Sundays I get up early with the DC, make pancakes and do their homework etc while DH sleeps in.

Anyway, on a Saturday morning I ask for a lie in and I’m meaning until 9am ideally. Every single Saturday DH gets up with DC at 7, does breakfast and goes to the gym. They then immediately run up and jump on me to get up, so I have to. Then DH comes home at 9am and says he told them not to wake me up. But they do. He told me to tell them to go and watch TV and keep sleeping but they’re 67 and 9 and will NOT stop talking at me, asking things, bringing me things… I can’t.

DH says he feels suffocated by my working hours (I understand) and he wants his time. I completely understand that and don’t mind him too no to the gym but he won’t go later in the day. 9-1 we are both wrangling sports clubs with the kids and he doesn’t want to train after lunch.

ive told him to do the sports clubs himself this morning as I am so tired and due on my period, feels awwwwful. I’ve had a long bath alone and will go and make lunch for everyone now to rejoin.

Tell me honestly, am I being unreasonable in expecting to sleep in on a Saturday?

OP posts:

Original poster

GlowyJelly · 26/04/2025 12:16

@ilovemyhamster it is relevant in the overall picture of who is doing more - it’s all about balance. I’m pointing out that we both contribute to our family, sometimes in different ways but we both do. So he isn’t more entitled to that time to go to the gym than I am to my sleep. You’re right that it’s about partnership, we each bring different things and we have to help each other.

OP posts:

LucyMonth · 26/04/2025 12:18

Sorry I think it’s completely ridiculous that your DH gets the kids up, ready and feeds them breakfast but at 7 & 9 they STILL jump all over you the second he’s left! Despite him seeing to all their needs before he goes to the gym!

I can tell my 3 year old that he has to entertain himself for a bit while I do something! & he’s on his own. Your kids have each other to play with!

I wouldn’t be tying myself in knots trying to reorganise the routine. I’d be getting the kids told to leave you in peace for a bloody hour for goodness sakes!

MuggleMe · 26/04/2025 12:19

If he wants to go to the gym he should forgo his Sunday lie in and go then. Do the pottering on Saturday when he's needed.

MumChp · 26/04/2025 12:22

Your husband should do better but a 7 and a 9 yo should be able to leave you alone.

ClareBlue · 26/04/2025 12:23

Just read he has a home gym too. That means he is being deliberately obtuse in refusing to enable a lie in for you. He can do the gym anytime on Saturday.
On the plus side, you must have a fit buff husband with all this gym work. Is that the real reason you want to spend more time in bed.😂

Original poster

GlowyJelly · 26/04/2025 12:24

@LucyMonth ha ha yes well I do agree they should entertain themselves for a bit, they actually play together very well but they also love showi by me things. They don’t mean to be a pain. This morning they’d made a “show” for me and ran in with a ticket for mummy to come and watch them in the living room. It’s hard to ignore.

OP posts:

Original poster

GlowyJelly · 26/04/2025 12:26

@ClareBlue ha ha ha he is absolutely gorgeous which helps his case a lot 😂😂😂 when I’m not crabby…

OP posts:

friendsonly · 26/04/2025 12:31

I think the only people being unreasonable are the kids.
Have you actually told the kids not to wake you up? It’s all very well him saying do t wake mummy up but if they come in and talk to you and you just get up they’re going to assume you don’t mind. You together need to be strict and make sure they let you lie in.
I thinks it’s fair he gets to go to the gym and you get a lie in Saturday morning if that’s what you both want.

Delphiniumandlupins · 26/04/2025 12:38

I think he's not deliberately being an arse because he genuinely thinks he can tell the children to leave you sleeping and they will. He also probably doesn't think a lie-in is as important as you do because he's not as exhausted. So he's often up on a Sunday morning, although you're on childcare duty. But he is being an arse because he's not putting himself in your place. He has agreed that you get undisturbed sleep on a Saturday morning and it's his responsibility to make that happen. You may have to disrupt his Sunday mornings to help him understand.

Original poster

GlowyJelly · 26/04/2025 12:38

@friendsonly yes we have. I’ll try again. The 6 year old especially just doesn’t see she’s waking you up. She’ll be like “I’m not waking you up don’t worry mummy!!! Can I have a squash though? Also look at my picture! Don’t worry mummy I’m being all nice and quiet though” whilst sitting on me waving a picture in my face 👋 so you end up getting up. They’re absolutely beautiful children and it’s not their fault I’m tired. Waaaah I need to stop complaining and get some chocolate. I will ask him to do a home workout next week a do his gym day on the Sunday morning instead, see how that works.

OP posts:

Original poster

GlowyJelly · 26/04/2025 12:40

@Delphiniumandlupins i think you’re spot on actually. He doesn’t see how tired I am and doesn’t really get the issue. I really don’t mind him working out, as long as I get that bit of sleep I’m all good.

OP posts:

KierEagan · 26/04/2025 12:40

What happens on Sundays? Can you each get one weekend day to yourself and you can use it to have a lie-in, go to the gym, or whatever? I don't think it's a great idea for most marriages to keep score of every little thing you each do and decide who "deserves" what, especially when it comes to earnings. We all know that a person's salary often has no relation to how hard s/he works or how much s/he contributes. Often the people with the cushiest jobs get paid the most. I'm not saying that's your situation but the point is it doesn't matter. Every working parent is tired at the end of the week and craves time to themselves.

If your schedule isn't working for your family then you and DH need to talk about solutions that work for everyone. Does your salary allow for some paid childcare or household help during the week? Can you cut some household expenses or can he get a higher-paying job so you can cut back on working hours? Can you negotiate a different schedule or look for a job that requires less time away from home? I don't know your specific situation but try to think of creative solutions that keep you and DH on the same side rather than pitted against each other.

All or that being said, it doesn't sound reasonable that you do every single thing while you are both home. It's never going to be exactly "equal" but in general I think when one parent is home with the children she/he does everything for the kids/house, and when both parents are home they split the duties 50/50. That doesn't mean you should nitpick and count the minutes to compare your contributions but if you are on your feet from 6-10 pm doing meals, dishes, baths, bedtime, sorting out backpacks and homework and everything else while your DH is on the couch playing video games the whole time, that is clearly unfair. It doesn't matter what he does when you're not there.

If you can't come to a mutually satisfactory arrangement you might try a few sessions with a couples therapist. You and DH need to find a way that you can both trust that you have the shared goal of making both of your lives easier. When you are both exhausted and ground down with all of the drudgery it can be hard to get on the same page without some outside guidance.

And finally-- children the age of yours can be taught to quietly wake up, turn on the TV and pour a bowl of cereal while you get a bit more sleep. Our rule was that if the kids don't wake us up they can quietly go downstairs at 8 am and have screen time and make themselves a toaster waffle with Nutella. That made it worth it for them to leave us alone until 9 am. You and your DH need to work together to find what works for your crew but in the meantime each of you deserves one weekend morning where you are not bothered by the children. Hopefully in time you can both have more than that.

homeedmam · 26/04/2025 12:41

Bad behaviour from the kids, they have no reason to be waking you up at 8am when they've already had breakfast.

Tell them much more firmly that they need to stay downstairs and watch a movie until dad gets back from the gym.
They only need to wake you if someone is hurt.

At their age they are perfectly capable of doing that.

When you have babies/toddlers then swapping lie ins and having one parent with designated responsibility is necessary.
The joy of older children is you don't have to do that. They are old enough that BOTH parents can have a slow start at the weekends or go to the gym. Don't pit yourself against your husband. Present a united front with your parenting expectations.

faerietales · 26/04/2025 12:42

I think it's your DC that are the issue - they're more than old enough to be left downstairs to watch TV while both parents are occupied elsewhere.

homeedmam · 26/04/2025 12:43

GlowyJelly · 26/04/2025 12:38

Clear expectations.
They do not come upstairs.
They do not show you anything,
They do not need to ask for anything.

It's not their fault you are tired but it is their fault if they are refusing to follow the rules and keep waking you.

faerietales · 26/04/2025 12:47

GlowyJelly · 26/04/2025 12:38

Okay - so where are the consequences when they repeatedly ignore you (and their dad) and come and disturb you?

Original poster

GlowyJelly · 26/04/2025 12:47

OK I take on the comments about the DC - maybe we should expect a bit more at their ages now. I probably feel bad about being tired and give in too easily. It’s the my guilt ha.

OP posts:

faerietales · 26/04/2025 12:55

GlowyJelly · 26/04/2025 12:47

OK I take on the comments about the DC - maybe we should expect a bit more at their ages now. I probably feel bad about being tired and give in too easily. It’s the my guilt ha.

I was an only child and at six I was getting up, sorting my own breakfast (cereal left out and I'd pour on milk, or getting a croissant etc.) and putting the TV on at the weekends while my parents slept.

They're not tiny children now - they need consequences when they ignore you.

homeedmam · 26/04/2025 12:59

GlowyJelly · 26/04/2025 12:47

OK I take on the comments about the DC - maybe we should expect a bit more at their ages now. I probably feel bad about being tired and give in too easily. It’s the my guilt ha.

Don't take your guilt out on your husband though.

You needing a lie in is totally reasonable. Him getting up early, sorting the kids out and going to the gym is also reasonable.
There's no reason for you both not to have the weekend morning you want - remember you're on the same side.

My youngest is 7 - DH & I both slept in til 9 this morning. He brought me a coffee and took youngest to her dance class and I stayed in bed til they got back.
She woke up about 7.30, got her own cereal and watched TV!

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 26/04/2025 13:02

Tell him it's not working for you and that until they learn to not wake you up that they're too young to leave unsupervised so he needs to sort it out. Don't offer any solution just say you are unavailable until 9am unless it's an emergency.

Eenameenadeeka · 26/04/2025 13:04

You definitely deserve the sleep in! I think it's more the children that are the problem than the husband though, at almost 7 and 9, they should definitely know better. He could get them out for a walk or bike ride or something, rather than the gym. Then they all get exercise and you get your sleep.

Purplesy · 26/04/2025 13:05

He sounds spectacularly selfish and your children are far too old not to be able to follow an instruction to be considerate of mummy sleeping.

I would sit your children down and tell them we are not doing anything nice next Saturday if they wake you.
Remind them and stick to it.

You do them no favours by rearing them to not be considerate.

As for your husband he clearly sees you as a bloody work horse.

Does he benefit from you working such long hours by your lifestyle?

But doesn't give a shit about your health?
You are at risk of burnout.

He is very very selfish.

Thehobbit2013 · 26/04/2025 13:14

Why don’t you swap your lie in days. You get Sunday lie in instead of him and he can either choose to have a lie in instead on a Saturday or get up and go to the gym. It’s not fair that he gets to have ‘me’ time on both days of the weekend.

Everydayimhuffling · 26/04/2025 13:18

He could TEACH them not to wake you up, but in order to do that he has to be there. He needs to stay until they can successfully do that, not force you to be the bad guy or to have to be woken up repeatedly.

Go out tomorrow morning at 7, but don't make a big deal of it in case they actually do leave him alone.

lodhkalp · 26/04/2025 13:19

Well your DH is unreasonable given what your kids are like, but I would not be getting up because a 6 and 9 year old told me too. They’re not babies, they can be told you’re off limits until 9am.

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