To ask if I might be autistic?

[Escapefromporpoisespit]

Menopausal woman here. Have a good group of friends. On the face of it, successful in work.

however, I’ve never really felt like I’ve fitted in…I’ve struggled to connect with people in the way others do.

for example, in situations like courses or team building events, I see that people often connect with each other in a way that I don’t.

I’m a sociable person and get on with lots of people on a one to one basis. I’m not shy, but I find I struggle to know how to interact in group situations.

I’ve always been like this. I always feel like I just don’t get it.

I’ve had a few instances where people have looked at me strangely because of something I’ve said or how I’ve reacted, but I have zero idea why they react in that way. I’ve had two or three instances ( over 20 years so not frequent) where I seem to have actively repelled someone. Like they’ve actively tried to avoid me. I’ve had no idea why. I find it weird because I’ve almost never had that reaction to someone unless they are completely bonkers or unpleasant. The fact I’m well liked by colleagues makes it weirder as I’d say I was easy going and sociable. ( and that has been consistent feedback from line managers throughout my career)

I’ve had a couple of people ask me what I think have been quite loaded questions, like they’ve been trying to work me out. Recently, a coach asked me if I was introverted ( like she was trying to work out what was ‘off’ about me.)

I almost certainly have ADHD, but now wondering whether autism is also an issue for me? Have an autistic child. One autistic parent and other parent possible ND, so it’s in the family.

AIBU to jump to autism ? Or is this just what normal people feel like all the time?

You just sound like you are socially awkward.

Or is this just what normal people feel like all the time?

Normal? I'm autistic (diagnosed) and I'm normal.

No one can 'diagnose' you via the internet. If you want to know for sure, an assessment is the way to go.

Only autism specialists could diagnose you.

Your experiences sound fairly normal for someone who has some low level of social anxiety.

i have had experiences and thoughts like yours and I am not autistic.

I guess you might be, but I wouldn’t say so based on what you have said. Lots of NTs have similar experiences. I would say it’s common to thrive more one on one than in group settings. And we have all had people we don’t click with at all.

Yes I found inference that Autistic people aren't " normal" quite offensive.

Unfortunately it seems to be quite a widely held view in society.

Have you heard of the Broader Autistic Phenotype? It’s a possibility, especially with your family links to autism.

www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-the-broad-autism-phenotype-260048

It’s odd isn’t it? You start second guessing your life. I’d fit a lot of the criteria, but also had an incompetent/abusive mother, so will have missed out on lots of social stuff.

I thought that made me particularly accommodating and accounted for the many ND people in my life. But my siblings’ kids and grandkids are all getting ND diagnoses now, so maybe it’s me too.

Realistically all that matters is arranging our lives in ways that work for us- diagnosis or none.

Apologies for the use of normal. Didn’t mean to offend! Didn’t want to say NT, as these feelings I’m describing could be experienced by both ND and NT people as part of everyone’s general life experience. Nothing to do with any diagnosis.

yes I’m considering an assessment, but think it’s useful to ask others who may have similar experiences. It helps calibrate your feelings and maybe not feel so alone?

surely not the first person to want to not try to understand myself through speaking to peers?

It sounds like you could be. I'm not sure whether having a diagnosis at this age would help though.

Possibly!

I found this helpful for female diagnosis:
https://acrobat.adobe.com/id/urn:aaid:sc:EU:ca1f67c5-aae8-4245-8b25-90956d8b50aa

Do you have any other autistic traits? I can relate to what you have described and I do have an autism diagnoses (and ADHD), but that is only a small part of my autistic traits and things I have struggled with in life, I very much doubt I’d have got the diagnosis if that was the only trait I had as you have to meet all the criteria. Traits also have to have been present in childhood.

Hey, you sound fairly similar to me. I also have ND kids and am almost definitely ADHD. Over the years I've been told by multiple autistic people that they wouldn't be surprised if I was autistic too.

It's not just social awkwardness for me though, there are a bunch of other things - including sensory, executive function, monotropic thinking...

I'm waiting for ADHD and autism assessments.

It's a checklist specifically for girls rather than boys. It made sense when I read this instead of the usual boys' screening tests

@vincettenoir @Skepticalsausage

thanks for your perspective. It’s possibly social anxiety, but it’s just that you wouldn’t describe me as shy.

if I was a classic shy person, I could explain it as that, but it’s not that at all.

I agree with this.

I've recently been diagnosed as an older adult.

Initially I was relieved because it explained to me my behaviours and how they had affected my life so negatively. It took away a lot of self blame.

But the negative side is that whereas I have always striven to try to change my behaviours I now feel change is outwith my control and I have to come to terms with being the way I am the rest of my life.

I identify with what you say. I don’t believe I am autistic. There’s more to being autistic than occasionally feeling uncomfortable in social situations.

I'm autistic and those "awkward moments" you describe are daily life for me - not something that happens a few times in a couple of decades. They happen multiple times a day, everyday.

Is there anything else that makes you think you might be autistic?

To qualify for a diagnosis, you need to have persistent issues with social interaction, as well as multiple other struggles. A bit of social awkwardness will not get you a diagnosis.

The executive functioning and monotropic thinking is definitely a thing for me. I tick almost every ADHD box so assumed that was the issue

But since my DC was diagnosed with both ADHD and autism , it has made me realise that I mistakenly thought their issues were purely adhd and not autism related.

that fact I didn’t pick up on the autism in my child makes me wonder if it’s because it didn’t seem unusual to me

You sound exactly like me and I’ve been questioning whether I am autistic too.

I hate group activities, team buildings, work conferences etc, but love one on one interactions.

I have other traits too and get particularly worked up if things don’t run to plan, people are late for me or change plans late in the day. I can’t cope very well.

It certainly runs in my family

Yeah I'm finding it hard to unpick what could be ADHD vs autistic things. I've been going round in circles about it for years, since DS got diagnosed. In the end I spoke to the GP, who was happy to refer me for both assessments.

I thought they would say no to the autism referral actually, but apparently turning up with a completed and annotated AQ10 form and full logical explanation of why it is impossible for me to answer any of the questions was not a typical approach. (E.g. yes I think I can 'read between the lines' but I also experience frequent awkwardness and disconnect in conversations... so how do I know what someone else actually thinks unless you're going to put me in a conversation with them then survey me and them afterwards about what we both said/meant and what we thought the other one said/meant?)

You sound socially awkward.

nobody on the internet can say yes or no, we don’t know you, you can say you do this & that but in reality you might be completely different.

I'm autistic and have ADHD. I identify with what you have said. If you have a child and a parent who is autistic it is highly likely you are also autistic, as it is genetic. There are other traits you would need for diagnosis though as well as social and communication difficulties, such as restricted, repetitive behaviour, special interests, rigidity in thinking styles, sensory issues. Feeling like you don't fit in is very common in high masking late diagnosed females who apparently have it all 'together' (friendships, successful at work etc)

Also me…. And a friend who is diagnosed mentioned she thinks I am. Am pushing 50 and not sure a diagnosis would help at this stage. It’s who I am.

I don’t cope well with change - maybe I just need better coping strategies. I work better wfh, so when I’m in the office I tend to out my headphones in. I do got to business development events but am definitely masking a lot ‘fake it til you make it’ - and I get quite stressed beforehand, prepping conversations in my head about small talk to appear ‘normal’ when really I wish the ground would swallow me up.

I wouldn’t describe myself as shy either. I do have a high awareness of what others may be thinking of me though which leads to the thoughts and experiences described.