visits to the dentist aren’t that hard

[Redcarbluevan]

On every thread about being a SAHM or splitting household tasks one things pop up as being very difficult and time consuming: visits to the dentist.

We visit the dentist twice a year. The appointments are after school and the kids are all seen at the same time. Before we leave we’ll book the next appointment. All in all it takes 60 mins a year. Granted if your child needs braces it will take longer… why do people act like it’s just a big job, and note it as a key life admin task?

Because it is a key life admin task?
Because I have 3 kids and have to sign what feels like a million forms every time I go.
Because after school appts are hard to get then if they're in school hours you have school moaning at you.
Necause if they're are in school hours you have the additional admin of letting school know & school getting arsey if you don't provide evidence.
Because school time appts mean having to do multiple school pick ups/drop offs when you have kids in different schools & they couldn't get the bus.

Don't even get me stated on the orthodontist appts, ours always ran 30-60 mins behind.

I once sat with my daughter all afternoon for a booked orthodontist appointment, @HollyBerryz, and they didn’t even manage to see us. We were one of about 5 families who then had to queue for ages at the desk (which was closing) at 5pm to book another appointment for yet another school day.

And yeah, it was stressful. Especially when the bloke in front from a different clinic decided the receptionist needed to tell him three times how to leave the hospital. JUST FOLLOW THE FUCKING SIGNS THAT SAY EXIT, MATE. (Sadly in RL there was merely some lacklustre tutting.)

We always book for the Christmas holiday when we know we will be at home. DH is a teacher so he sorts it while I am working

Dentist appointments alone aren’t the issue. It’s that amongst everything else which should be split - along with optician, orthodontic, hospital, hairdresser, doctor, etc appointments.

I think it's all just part of this mythical 'mental load' that is used as an excuse for not working full-time, being a SAHP or demanding CMS despite having a 50/50 care arrangement.

The mental load is not mythical! Seriously, especially once kids are at school there are multiple things to think about and juggle every single day.
It’s not a reason to not have a job (I’ve never been a sahm, always went back to work within a year, kids now teens) but you really can’t say there’s no such thing as mental load.

I agree. If the mental load is ‘mythical’ then why oh why is it the cause of so many divorces? Why does it seem that when kids are added into the mix, that perfectly equal relationships couples have seem to descend into stereotypical roles where typically the women end up sorting kids and home regardless of if they work or not? It can’t be that rare if it keeps coming up as an issue.

I marvel at how long some of this life admin takes.

Given how disorganised DH and I are I think it's a miracle any of our kids are alive!

'Mythical' is quite the patronising insult @ThisOldThang

I think humans do tend to struggle with imagining that something they experience as easy/straightforward might be experienced as difficult by others. Fine. But the thread has plenty of explanations already about why that might be the case for dental/medical appointments. You could read them and maybe reflect on the possibility that other humans have different life experiences to yours which are nonetheless equally valid.

When you’re listing what you do in a day sometimes you find yourself listing random things you had to do that day or that didn’t go well recently. Generally when someone asks what you do all day you won’t be able to account for what you do even though you were running about all day. Eg before work this morning I had to walk dog clean poo, sweep a floor, put clothes on line help youngest with shower, help kids get dressed etc. when arriving at work all I could think of was that I’d cleaned a bit😅

It’s not ‘mental load’ though is it? Come on, that’s just a made up name for what is essentially just life. I’ve got to make sure my kid brushes his teeth in the morning because I’m the only other person in the house. That’s not a mental load, it’s just being his mum.

The mental load is being the family's background app. It's being the primary oversight / coordinator of the basic and secondary needs / wants of the individual family members and the family as a whole. It doesn't necessarily mean doing all the things, it means being aware that they need doing and coordinating who is doing them and making sure they are being done.
Occasionally two adults can split this really well. But generally speaking any large scale coordination exercise is going to have one person at the top, keeping on top of it (or at least trying to). In families it's usually one person and it's usually mum.

In some families it's a more straightforward exercise (fewer people and/or fewer logistical obstacles and/or fewer health issues and/or better relationships between family members etc). In others it is vastly more complex.

Mental load includes things like remembering that child x has their friend’s birthday party on Saturday, sorting a card and present and arranging a lift share because you’re already commmited to helping out with your other child’s swimming lesson (maybe you’re a single mum or maybe dad is out with a third child or different activity of his own). Knowing that next week there’s Egyptian day at school and you need to sort a costume. Replying to the email about the school trip and paying a deposit. Etc etc etc.

They’re all simple, straightforward tasks in themselves (although can get more complicated, especially when it comes to emotional issues like child being bullied) but there’s always something new to be thought about - hence mental load. It’s not remembering the everyday basics like brushing teeth, unfortunately.

Yes, and funnily enough, being a parent means I also have to do all those things whilst working full time. It’s not a mental load. It’s just living. As adults, when we make the decision to have children, buy a house, get a pet whatever, we do so knowing that tasks come with those decisions.

I have had many upheavals in my life - including the VERY severe bullying of my child in primary school, resulting in him moving school in year 2.

i’ve gluegunned cornflakes onto a fake beard at 10pm so a child could be Mr Twit for world book day the following morning. I’ve had to bang a fiver in a hastily bought birthday card 10 minutes prior to a party. We do all this because we chose to have children. We can hardly then complain about something we signed up for being a ‘mental load’ as though having to do those things is a hardship. It used to be called ‘remembering’.

That's excellent that you don't experience it as a mental load, @namechangeGOT . But lots of people do. You might find it straightforward (i don't mean easy, or that it takes no time. But I mean in the sense that it is a straightforward process for you to incorporate all these tasks into your life) and again that is brilliant.

Lots of people don't find it straightforward and do experience it as an additional burden in an already demanding existence. Acknowledging that doesn't necessarily mean they are complaining. Nor does their experience of it diminish yours. But, gently, you are dismissing other people's valid explanations of things they find challenging.

You might have other things in your life that you find challenging but which other people find to be more straightforward for them. We are all different.

So we’re in agreement then, really. It’s just that now it has a name because before it wasn’t really recognised that it’s usually (not always!) only the mum taking on this burden of “remembering” everything, often without the husband even realising all the mental effort that goes into life running smoothly.

Ps I’ve never been a sahm, I’ve always gone back to work so not defending mental load on those grounds, just acknowledging its existence.

I've given up trying to get dentist appointments now. I was trying to get dd2 seen before she turned 18 and aged out of free care, every time I made an appointment months in advance they would always cancel it a few days before. Happened 4 times in the last 18 months. Now she's too old for free care. 🤷🏻‍♀️

We’ve recently changed the kids dentists. The previous place’s favourite thing to do was to book an appointment 6 months in advance then cancel it the day before. Every. Single. Time. New place is loads better luckily.

Ortho so time consuming. We finished now tg. Not easy if you work full time doing it all. Then kids homeworks etc

Obviously this isn't something that every family can afford, but I take my boys with me to a private dentist on a Saturday morning.

I have private dental for myself as an option through work, but I just pay for the kids' checkups on an ad hoc basis.

The dentist charges £21 per child (London).

That seems pretty reasonable compared to all the messing around with the NHS that other people are complaining about.