So sad

[Niceandsleazy]

Well I’ve had a good life. But here I am with no friends and no social life. Is this a normal part of getting older?

OP I am afraid I agree with others. You are coming across as a bit snippy on here. You may not realise it, so do take on the feedback. Do you come across like this in real life I wonder?

You are going to have to make an effort if you are truly friendless. Join stuff and keep attending. Smile. Be proactive. It will be tough to start but it will pay off.

How did you make friends in earlier years? Have you lost those skills? What worked for you?

Is your marriage making you unhappy? Are you depressed? Do you like yourself? There may be other stuff to address within your own life first. Only you know the answer to that.

Good luck.

Well, interesting. I’ll sod off now.

OP... I am also working full time and am old and creaky with 4 years to retirement . I just don't have a social life these days unless I am on annual leave where I meet with a few friends for catch up lunch. After work I feel too tired to go out and actually stopped attending the things I did go to before as Covid broke the links in a way. However I have a bit of a plan as retirement is looming. Things on my list include walking groups, boules, Women's Institute again, perhaps, so long as men aren't members, humanists, craft groups, volunteer work etc etc. Replace these ideas with your interests. I think you unless you do have a gang of mates , you have join things in order to have social outlets.

You must be around my age then! I sympathise, I moved to a new area when I was 40. Couldn't make any friends as everyone was already in established groups, I did have the odd night out with colleagues but discussing work after work isnt my thing. If you dont live in a city, most of the activities suggested here simply dont exist. Just pubs at night. The WI in the villages around me literally wont accept anyone from outside their village! No meetup groups, the U3A are in their late 70s or 80s and quite well off, so nothing in common.

I have made a friend through the allotment, one kept from work, and another through volunteering but that's only because I gave up work for health reasons. Small towns suck if you want to make friends at an older age so I get how you feel. My town is very, very cliquey. Been here 24 years and still quite an outsider and I am very chatty and friendly!. No husband to annoy me watching TV though, so that's a plus. Growing old sucks big time if you dont have an established friends group.

Thanks - you get it in a nutshell. The other problem with some of the suggestions, besides not being available unless you live in a city, is the cost of some of them. Add travel and it becomes unaffordable.

I live in a village, have done for many years, and still know hardly anyone. Covid stopped the small amount of socialising I managed to do, everyone shut down. The closest I get to it now is the local facebook group, but like many places, there is no physical forum for informal meet ups and chats, especially if you still work. There only seem to be groups for retirees, and only during working hours. Not that I want to spend time exclusively with old people.

I think they way I am is common for many.

Have you considered that maybe, if you are outwardly projecting this attitude in real life, this could be why you feel lonely? People won’t want to spend time with people they think are all “woe is me”, or are snippy with them - especially when they are genuinely trying to help. Your posts have all come across as short tempered, grumpy and even rude. You immediately thought a poster asking a simple question about your user name “had a problem with it” yet it was obvious to anyone else they were asking if named after a bar as they might have known it.

Try to project out the persona that people want to spend time with. I have an older husband that just wants to sit on his arse and watch tv. He drinks most evenings too. I realised I didn’t want to be old and lonely, so I started a new hobby. I’ve made a few new friends as a result of it and it gets me out of the house more. I also work full time, and I also have 2 children still living at home, so I don’t have a ton of free tIme - but you have to make it work!

What are you interested in? You mentioned something about not being able to do a walking group as it was on what you were at work. Why don’t you advertise on your local Facebook group and say you’re starting a walking group on a Saturday morning (or whenever suits) and see who turns up? Keep advertising and keep turning up.

But so do most people, even those of us who are at the aching stage. If you’re not happy with your lack of friends, you can absolutely change it.

I'm 60

I have a great group of friends that I go on holiday with, go out for afternoon tea
I do brunch at mine about once every 6 weeks and others do similar.
My mum is 84 and has a great social life.
Dad is 82 and goes out with ' the boys' once a month. These are blokes he worked with . He retired at 55!

So no, i don't think its an age thing not to have friends.

As others said, you can make changes if you want to.

Going back to the original question OP, yes I think it's normal but something being normal doesn't mean it's a good thing.

People give advice on how to meet people and expand your social life but it's not always advice that helps. Sometimes it refers to things the lonely person doesn't have access to.

I think there should be as much emphasis on best practices for living with being lonely and how try to mitigate the negative effects.

Stop stopping opportunies b4 they start OP
You are likely a similar age to me.
Friendships evolve, get out there!
Walks, museums, yoga classes or any other variety of activities

Think I'm in a similar situation but maybe slightly younger. My DC are leaving school, driving now and getting jobs.

My evenings used to be filled with running around after them but I don't need to as much now.

My plan is to join a fitness class - maybe yoga or Pilates - nothing to strenuous but I've not got to this yet.

Something I did when younger was work in pubs. It's very social, making friends, chatting to customers. Is that something you could try to get out of the house?

The OP works full time, however and has said she is worn out at the end of her working day. If there even is a pub in her village. Would love to do pilates or yoga myself, unfortunately there are no classes in my area. The one evening keep fit class ended over 15 yrs ago. Honestly, it is hard to imagine how few opportunities there are to get out and about outside working hours if you dont have money to drive to another area, and it is a wasteland in your own.

I’m early 50s. I work full time and live in a village. And I’m in the same boat as you (except my husband isn’t a couch potato).

I have to put in loads of effort. Go out in the evenings when I’m not necessarily feeling it - to choir, to book club, take myself to the cinema. I always enjoy it when I’m there.

There is a forum for meeting people - it’s called MeetUp and organised by town. Yes there are many daytime things listed but not solely.

Do you drive OP? I’d feel completely stuck if I didn’t.

And whoever called me ‘snippy’ - what does that mean? Direct? Blunt? To the point? None of those is a bad thing.

It means sharp and rude rather than direct. I get that circumstances can make it difficult to make new friends but if you give people a bit more grace it might help.

One of the worst things about getting old is outliving your friends. I've lost 5 good friends in the last 4 years. I'm past retirement age and still working, partly so that I get to see other people!

And as friends age, they get frailer and it's harder for them to get out and socialise.

Not at all! I’ve had strong friendships and family relationships spanning many decades and they’re all the richer for being 60-ish, with the wisdom and perspective that maturity brings.