So sad

[Niceandsleazy]

Well I’ve had a good life. But here I am with no friends and no social life. Is this a normal part of getting older?

It's up to you to make efforts frankly.

When I read some of the posts on here (not talking about YOU personally OP), I struggle to imagine these people having any kind of life - posters are so superior, judgmental, are shocked and horrified at the idea of a doing a favour for a friend, spending lunch with a friend or - the horror - staying in somebody else's house. I bet these people will end up very lonely.

You meet people through work, some might become friends, you can join a hobby club and meet people, do volunteering if you want another way.

Your life is far from over, why not make the most of it?
Not many people work 14 hours a day 7 days a week and have no time for a private life, what are you doing with yours?

I think with friendships you get out what you put in

I'd start by contacting some people you haven't spoken to recently, to touch base with them

No, it’s not inevitable with age. Just takes more effort than when you’re at university, for example. So if it matters to you, you’ll need to make a bit more effort and pull yourself out of the rut.

I think it's more than most people naturally make more efforts when they are at university.

Even at uni you don't make friends if you stay in your room, don't engage with anyone, and go from lecture to library to bedroom without interacting with others.

It's harder to find free time when you are working and have kids, but it doesn't stop people from having friends.

Joi some regular activities walking group book club community choir volunteer

I think it's harder as you get older myself. People have to work longer now. Yet you have health issues, aches and pains that mean you aren't able to go out after 8 hours at work. Then you spend weekends cleaning and shopping for the next week. So it takes quite a bit of effort to socialise. And a lot of the activities are only available in the daytime.

I think you get out of practice too with how to make friends.

I think walking groups might be a good place to start or maybe a book group if you read? Our library runs one. Start slowly and keep going. There is a lot of stuff on YouTube on how to talk to people, if that's an issue.

i hope you come back op. You really aren't alone in this. I would say all my old friends who work full time nearing 60 have a very limited social life. A consequence of the increase in retirement age I think.

You don’t have to go from nothing to out every night - Why not start with one weekly activity and start from there.

Meet Up has been ruined now unfortunately. A new company bought it and introduced fees to access previously free important features. The fees have gone up so much that the organisers have just abandoned the groups that I was previously part of. So annoying as whole point of these groups was for isolated people to be able to safely connect with like minded people for a very minimal cost. Well that’s all gone now in my area unfortunately, glad you are unaffected however.

@MoominMaiHave to agree that the new set up is ridiculous! However, I’m lucky to be in a few already well established groups, and we have so far been able to keep them running. It is a pain though, that we can’t use certain features now unless we subscribe, but we have managed to get round that with WhatsApp groups set up as soon as the participants add themselves to an event. Fingers crossed we can continue, as these activities and events have made such a difference to so many people. 🤞

Then you spend weekends cleaning and shopping for the next week

Highly recommend the Organised Mum Method.

Sounds simple and obvious, but it means that you don't do any chores or admin at the weekend. Being chore-free at the weekend is the best thing for me - still doing laundry, the school uniforms don't clean themselves and I have to do laundry every day anyway

Sounds interesting. I’m not a mum so would you recommend for single 50 something?!

the OMM works for anyone, your list of chores and admin is just so much smaller without kids. (at least mine was).

Without kids, I didn't need to use to spend more than one evening a week cleaning, ironing etc.., and maybe another one to do admin. My weekends were always all mine.

TOMM just organises your week by doing a little clean every day of the week, like 20 or 30mn kitchen on Monday, 30mn bedrooms on Tuesday etc.. and using your Friday (or whatever day) doing a deeper 30 mn in a room in turn (including garage, then deeper kitchen the following week, then decluttering your wardrobe following week)

Just a method to stop wasting too much time with housework, but having a house always tidy and visitor-ready and having all your weekends off.

It's very simple and obvious, but her guides helped a lot of people to get more organised and efficient with housekeeping.

What do you mean?

Not all older people are lonely, some find a new lease of life as time moves on.
There are all kinds of reasons why you might be lonely, but it's hard to tell because you are replying quite tersely to everyone who tries to engage with you. If this happens in real life, it could account for the loneliness.

I’m much younger but went through a period where I realised that my friends were slipping away.

I started calling and messaging them. Checking in often. Do you have family at all? Perhaps a project could be getting close to family? If you work full time are there social opportunities within your job? I find more and more companies are encouraging things like volunteer days and internal celebrations. By taking part in these activities you can get closer to colleagues in other departments?

I’m in a ladies walking group, it’s amazing for local friendships. Country walks, pub lunches, nights out, even thinking of a holiday. Many of the ladies were seeking new friends and they’ve said this group has been life changing for them. Have a look in your area for some groups, get out there and widen your social circle, as it won’t come to you.

I work full time so can’t join in any of the activities such as walking groups people mention here. All the social stuff for old guys takes place during the day. I work from home, alone. No colleagues. So no work social life. Someone said I was terse - I don’t think so, I’ve explained I’m not retired and don’t waste words. I’m old, full time job, husband who doesn’t want to do anything but watch tv and drink all evening (he’s much older than me) so I feel stuck. Sick of everything tbh. Someone had trouble with my username- it’s only one I use here, it’s not my real name ffs.

You could try...
The gym
Archery
Dance classes
Choir
Bell ringing
Wildlife watching
Rescue centre volunteer
Women's church group
Parkrun
Pottery making
Ceramic painting
Cookery classes
Burlesque

... Basically the world is your oyster! Just Google something you fancy and find an evening or weekend class. I've done some of the above when I wanted to get out of a rut.

Join the WI. It’s always in the evening and it for people older than 40 who are too young g to retire.

Why can’t you join any groups because you work full time? Things are on in the evening or on weekends.

I asked about your user name, if it was named after a bar in a city because you might have been close to me. I don't have any issue with it, i was just asking thinking that we may be close, that was all.

No, its not a bar. it’s after a song by the Stranglers.

seems like you’re feeling sorry for yourself. People have suggested stuff but you’re making excuses. Most people have full time jobs and have hobbies. What’s stopping you?

I’m in the same position as you. It’s an issue that has come about due to my age and lifestyle.

A lot of my social life was dating men I met off tinder and friendships with colleagues and a housemate I was very close to.

I would spend my weekends getting beauty treatments, shopping and going on dates. During the week I was so busy with work and clients. I had friends through work and people lived close to me. I found making new friends easy and admittedly didn’t put in any effort with my friendships. My life was full.

When I worked in the city I was a lot more social, but changed jobs because I hated public transport and parking in the city was realistically not a long term option.

I got pregnant and moved into the suburbs (I previously lived in beautiful old house just outside the city and always had people visiting). Having a new baby + Covid lockdowns + severe illness + abusive relationship + autistic child meant I socially isolated myself.

I do attend social events - but they are my partner’s friends and their wives where I am the only one not married. I don’t fit in.

I know this is just a phase. I am so broken and dejected I can’t be much of a friend to anyone.

I don’t live close to family where I can just pop in like I used to. I have to get on the freeway and it’s quite far. With traffic it’s too far.

I’ve replaced normal relationships with para social relationships and contact with the outside world is limited to conversing with strangers on Reddit and mumsnet.

I have found that I’m not the only one like this. I’ve seen other socially awkward mothers at my child’s school. I’ve also been contacted by men from my single days. The prevailing theme is that they too are lonely. One is conversing with me about his Lego collection, another just got back home from a solo Europe trip.

I think there can be an emptiness you get at certain points in your life.

I can’t do what I did in my 20’s which is join a new sports team and go out drinking each weekend.

I know my life will change significantly should I go back to work.

What were you hoping to get out of your post? You’ve had loads of sympathetic kind words of support and loads of practical suggestions of ways to improve your social life and try new hobbies that might interest you. You still sound quite grumpy though tbh and not wanting to “waste words” when so many strangers are trying to help you seems odd.
Do you think you might need help getting through a kind of mental/emotional block or hurdle that’s holding you back? Can be enormously helpful, reassuring and encouraging to see a counsellor to get back on track.