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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel like everything falls on me

46 replies

crumblecookie · 25/04/2025 22:39

Can I ask if I'm BU here. We have a family event on next weekend for our son's communion which we are having in the house.
So far I've done all the organising, sorting out dcs outfits, catering, cake and balloons to name a few things.
My husband booked a trip away this weekend with friends so doesn't get home until Sunday night and then is working straight up to the event. He knew the date of the communion was on before he booked the trip.
I'm taking 2 days off before the event as I want to get my hair done and the house sorted so I booked my hair colour appointment weeks ago. (I would have got my hair coloured this weekend if my husband was home but now I've no one to mind dc hence why I'm getting it done during the week now when they're at school)
The problem is the cake needs to be collected and I can't collect it due to my hair appointment so I asked my husband to do this weeks ago.
Fast forward to today he tells me has to go into work that day, had previously said he'd work from home to be around to help out ect and can't be going swanning off collecting cakes ect. I told him exactly what I have done and basically he said like most women and why am I different-meaning that women are the ones who are the organisers usually and don't complain. He also brought up how he earns more so I can work less.
He then says I'm not having this again were you're like a pig all day because you're tired and other women manage just fine. He even went as far to say I'd be better off not being there if that's the case.
Am I asking too much here. I admit I'm an organiser and I probably do take on too much but he always says to me if I get overwhelmed ask for help, now I'm asking for help and it's an issue.
I think what really annoys me is my husband has a hobby which takes him away frequently throughout the year and he always manages to plan his work around that, training schedules, days off to travel but doesn't have the same thought process for family stuff.

OP posts:
Yoheresthestory · 25/04/2025 22:43

I think you’ve made too big an occasion of a communion. It’s you who wants hair and formal cake and spotless house etc. none of it is necessary. But if you want all that, and he doesn’t care, then it’s going to fall to you.

not going to work so you can pick up a cake….yeah, id not be up for that

vincettenoir · 25/04/2025 23:09

It’s really disappointing he can’t pick up the cake and I’m with you on that. It does sound like your in a dynamic is that you do everything at home and he has come to expect that and it doesn’t sound fair. But just as you have played a part in creating that dynamic hopefully you can play a role in shifting out of it a bit. It will only work if he will work with you on it though.

BlondiePortz · 25/04/2025 23:11

Yoheresthestory · 25/04/2025 22:43

I think you’ve made too big an occasion of a communion. It’s you who wants hair and formal cake and spotless house etc. none of it is necessary. But if you want all that, and he doesn’t care, then it’s going to fall to you.

not going to work so you can pick up a cake….yeah, id not be up for that

This sums it up, none of this is necessary

DenholmElliot11 · 25/04/2025 23:19

Honestly, you've made a very big deal for a first holy communion.

I wouldn't be taking time off work to pick up a cake either.

Why does it have to be picked up at the exact time as your hair appointment anyway?

Original poster
crumblecookie · 25/04/2025 23:20

I'm aware it's not necessary to have a cake or balloons but that's the way things are done here, usually a bouncy castle is also in the mix.
I personally would not want my son to just make his communion and then not have a celebration afterwards and hear about all his friend's parties and wonder why his family didn't bother making the same effort for him.

OP posts:
Megirlan123 · 25/04/2025 23:23

I think people are missing the point here and actually being a little unkind.

if you want to do this for your son you go right ahead. Your husband is unreasonable in not helping you out and also his comments too. Seems there is no problem to arrange a weekend away but yet he won’t pick up a cake for HIS sons event.

poor from him in my opinion.

Original poster
crumblecookie · 25/04/2025 23:24

My hair appointment is when my kids are in school then they have activities afterwards which means cake shop is closed by the time I'm done. Husband frequently takes time off work to go for a run when it suits him, he took today off work to go away with friends this weekend. He went away in February and took the Friday off work too. I wasn't asking him to take the day off, just collect the cake as part of his day.

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 25/04/2025 23:25

crumblecookie · 25/04/2025 23:20

I'm aware it's not necessary to have a cake or balloons but that's the way things are done here, usually a bouncy castle is also in the mix.
I personally would not want my son to just make his communion and then not have a celebration afterwards and hear about all his friend's parties and wonder why his family didn't bother making the same effort for him.

I totally get that, but my question is, Why does the cake have to be picked up at the same time as you're having your hair appointment? Can't it be picked up another time?

NotSafeInTaxis · 25/04/2025 23:27

Yoheresthestory · 25/04/2025 22:43

I think you’ve made too big an occasion of a communion. It’s you who wants hair and formal cake and spotless house etc. none of it is necessary. But if you want all that, and he doesn’t care, then it’s going to fall to you.

not going to work so you can pick up a cake….yeah, id not be up for that

Nah. It's a seriously big deal in some communities. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean OP is fussing about nothing

Moveoverdarlin · 25/04/2025 23:32

But it’s sounds like YOU are the one fussed about balloons, the cake, your highlights, the kids outfits so predominately it’s going fall on you. Chances are your husband won’t give a flying shit about any of that. Mine wouldn’t.

I was recently asked to be godmother at a Christening, I went to the families house in the morning at was astounded at the level of titivation going on. The Mum was having a spray tan, professional hair and make-up, so was the other godmother. All afternoon was just a drinking session and the actual Christening service was just a formality. It was more like a hen do. I thought the whole thing was laughable and meaningless.

picturethispatsy · 25/04/2025 23:32

Same old story. Wife/mother does all organization and planning. Male does nothing but think of himself. Just had the same conversation with my own DP.

It’s so easy to say lower your standards but when nothing gets done it’s very difficult.

NotSafeInTaxis · 25/04/2025 23:37

Moveoverdarlin · 25/04/2025 23:32

But it’s sounds like YOU are the one fussed about balloons, the cake, your highlights, the kids outfits so predominately it’s going fall on you. Chances are your husband won’t give a flying shit about any of that. Mine wouldn’t.

I was recently asked to be godmother at a Christening, I went to the families house in the morning at was astounded at the level of titivation going on. The Mum was having a spray tan, professional hair and make-up, so was the other godmother. All afternoon was just a drinking session and the actual Christening service was just a formality. It was more like a hen do. I thought the whole thing was laughable and meaningless.

What were you doing being a godmother if you think it's all laughable and meaningless?

newgirl8487 · 26/04/2025 00:19

YANBU your husband was very rude to say other women cope etc. you should be a team organising the communion together. Funny how he can prioritise weekends away etc but can’t organise himself to collect a cake

SaladSandwichesForTea · 26/04/2025 00:29

Tell him to go and find one of those women then. Frankly I wouldn't go near such a prick so he might find there are less women falling over themselves to run his family life than he thinks.

Less flippantly, I would sit down and plan out with him how you can get back to work full time: the childcare he will need to do, wraparound costs etc. And seriously look into it because you're doing yourself no favours being reliant on this man and it would be a travesty to take 5+ years out of your prime earning and progression years to make his life easier when he doesn't even respect you and you'll have nothing to show for yourself if you divorce.

You need to back your own horse with a man like that.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 26/04/2025 00:32

Why can't he collect the cake on his lunch break?

Silsatrip · 26/04/2025 00:37

Uanbu.

QuickPeachPoet · 26/04/2025 00:38

crumblecookie · 25/04/2025 23:20

I'm aware it's not necessary to have a cake or balloons but that's the way things are done here, usually a bouncy castle is also in the mix.
I personally would not want my son to just make his communion and then not have a celebration afterwards and hear about all his friend's parties and wonder why his family didn't bother making the same effort for him.

First communion is about your son’s journey with God, not showing off how big a party you can throw and how much money you can spend. It’s pretty vulgar tbh, no wonder your husband has checked out.
To a genuine Christian it shouldn’t matter if it was done behind closed doors with just a couple of witnesses and in plain clothes.

Silsatrip · 26/04/2025 00:43

It's a massive thing in Ireland, though. Part of the culture as much as for religious purposes.

coxesorangepippin · 26/04/2025 00:47

Fair enough

I'd live and learn for the next event, though

Bear in mind that you'll be doing everything

So maybe don't plan as many events -

Original poster
crumblecookie · 26/04/2025 00:48

@QuickPeachPoet that's ok if that's your opinion however, here every single child who makes their communion will wear either a white dress or suit to make their communion. There are many religions worldwide that have a celebration after the event. We're not talking about open bar drinking our heads off until 6 in the morning, we're talking about a cake which is part of most celebrations. My husband isn't religious

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 26/04/2025 03:49

I think his attitude, of most women do it so you should too, is really horrible. In this case, if you've got 2 days off and he needs to work, id try and find a different time in those 2 days that you can get the cake yourself? What does he expect of the event? It does sound like a lot to arrange for a communion. I think a lot of men look at what we put into events and think that what we do is unnecessary - they would think "why do you need balloons and decorations" so not just that they don't want to help, but they think what we do is a bit much.

camelfinger · 26/04/2025 04:02

I get what you’re saying, but I think some people, mostly men, don’t like all this drama and organising and would probably rather something low key. My DH always goes for the most straightforward option as far as these things are concerned. It would be nice to have more family celebrations but I was finding most things would be left to me so I don’t bother with all the fanfare.

Blackkittenfluff · 26/04/2025 04:45

picturethispatsy · 25/04/2025 23:32

Same old story. Wife/mother does all organization and planning. Male does nothing but think of himself. Just had the same conversation with my own DP.

It’s so easy to say lower your standards but when nothing gets done it’s very difficult.

This.

sweetpickle2 · 26/04/2025 05:15

Wow the amount of posts suggesting OP is at fault here because the poor men don’t care about cake and balloons is depressing.

The issue here is that your DH is a selfish sexist arse who isn’t a good team player in this relationship, not the fact that you’re buying a cake.

Theunamedcat · 26/04/2025 05:20

So he wants you to organise the event but not bother going because your a pig?

How is divorce treated in your community