Aibu to feel like everything falls on me

[crumblecookie]

Can I ask if I'm BU here. We have a family event on next weekend for our son's communion which we are having in the house.
So far I've done all the organising, sorting out dcs outfits, catering, cake and balloons to name a few things.
My husband booked a trip away this weekend with friends so doesn't get home until Sunday night and then is working straight up to the event. He knew the date of the communion was on before he booked the trip.
I'm taking 2 days off before the event as I want to get my hair done and the house sorted so I booked my hair colour appointment weeks ago. (I would have got my hair coloured this weekend if my husband was home but now I've no one to mind dc hence why I'm getting it done during the week now when they're at school)
The problem is the cake needs to be collected and I can't collect it due to my hair appointment so I asked my husband to do this weeks ago.
Fast forward to today he tells me has to go into work that day, had previously said he'd work from home to be around to help out ect and can't be going swanning off collecting cakes ect. I told him exactly what I have done and basically he said like most women and why am I different-meaning that women are the ones who are the organisers usually and don't complain. He also brought up how he earns more so I can work less.
He then says I'm not having this again were you're like a pig all day because you're tired and other women manage just fine. He even went as far to say I'd be better off not being there if that's the case.
Am I asking too much here. I admit I'm an organiser and I probably do take on too much but he always says to me if I get overwhelmed ask for help, now I'm asking for help and it's an issue.
I think what really annoys me is my husband has a hobby which takes him away frequently throughout the year and he always manages to plan his work around that, training schedules, days off to travel but doesn't have the same thought process for family stuff.

I have a similar dynamic here. DH says my standards are too high and why should he have to get involved if he deems it unnecessary. He also says I should ask him for help, and then moans he’s tired/been at work all day/already does enough.

I had a similar spat with DH about him popping out when WFH, as he often runs his own errands, and when I asked him to do me a favour I got my arse handed to me.

with your situation I think it’s a mix of he needs to help but you have high standards. His comments about other women? Bang out of order, he sounds selfish.

Yes I think the husband should be able to grab the cake, assuming it is near where he works and can go and collect it on a break.

Was he on board with this whole massive party though which is why he is not engaging in arranging it and has left it to his wife?

As someone from and living in Ireland, I get this. BUT, it’s still @crumblecookie choice to make it what it is. Mine still had a wonderful day and I did none of that. I didn’t get a cake
for it. I just arranged to go for dinner with grandparents and godparents and that was it. I didn’t get my hair done, I didn’t buy fancy new outfits. My dc had a great day. A lot of Irish put themselves under a hell of a lot of pressure to have an all out day and they practically redecorate the whole house and invite all of the extended family. They spend 100’s on outfits and hair like it was a wedding etc. it’s madness. But that’s NOT really where the issue is, the issue for me is the same as @crumblecookies issue, he dh is being an asshole and is only thinking of himself and his wants, he’s not working with her and that’s VERY frustrating.

Quite.

It sounds like you can’t rely on him and he doesn’t care. That’s a hard truth to swallow when it’s someone who has vowed to love and cherish you.

As to the practicality of the cake I would ask the shop if they can arrange delivery and you pay for that.

Absolutely this. I have also gone through these 1st holy communions and they were a big deal and DH annd I put a lot of effort in. And even if not so what? He could make some effort if it is important to her!
OP it is too late for this time but I would file and store this information for going forwards.
Are there opportunities in you life where you go make his life easier that you could drop? Could you drop them in order to work more instead?
Also, I’d try to find a future celebration / event that means a lot to HIM and bow out of organising it. Eg do you host his family for Xmas or something like that? Do you always plan the annual holiday that he looks forward to?
When I have a good candidate he would then get it both barrels - ‘well I already had to do everything for the communion and x and y so this one is on you’. Make sure you organise a weekend away the week before too. See how he likes being on the receiving end of this. Any complaints, bring up the cake.

Incorrect, rude and culturally insensitive.

If this is Ireland, then all this is standard, first communions are very big occasions

He’s a sexist prick who priorities his own things that he thinks are important but belittles yours

In Ireland, the church will be packed with family, in fact, there may be limits on how many each family can bring. The class makes communion together, other classes in the school sing and participate in different ways. It's a very big communal event. As an atheist, I opted out for my dc, but we attended anyway and supported the day, as it is cultist a big thing here. Every culture has its big communal events, they keep society together.

And that is lovely. But you sum it up - family there, singing, joint activities with the kids. Not balloons, presents, cakes, parents getting their hair done etc. That’s just consumerist.

I have mixed feelings here. Yes, your DH absolutely should be helping out and getting the cake is a small thing to ask of him.
However, I also recognise that this seems to be a massive deal to you and he probably couldn't care less about balloons, cakes, a spotless house etc. I don't think there's anything wrong with him not caring and not taking it all as seriously as you do (especially as you say he's not religious). It seems to be a source of stress for you.
I'm familiar with this scenario as I love Christmas and make huge efforts over Christmas. However, my DH is an atheist Hindu who has never celebrated Christmas and genuinely has no interest at all. Yes, I can get DH to help a little- he wrapped the presents and did some cooking last year (we hosted 14 people) but I do just accept it's my thing and I won't ever get DH fully involved or enthusiastic. As a result I've taken over Christmas and that's fine. I like it, he doesn't.
So I see this communion as being your thing. You're doing it how you want and your DH isn't interested and that's ok.
I'd be more interested in how he is generally. Do you always feel like everything falls to you?

I'm in Ireland and what @QuickPeachPoet said is right, the church will be packed with families and unfortunately due to size a lot of schools will say only parents and siblings can attend as in some areas there will be 3 classes of 30 students making communion at one time. The school choir sing and it is lovely however I'm talking about afterwards. Any family I have talked to at the school are either going for a meal in the restaurant, booking a function room, having people back to the house for food. The grandparents, aunts and uncles ect who weren't able to see the child make their communion will usually come along too.
Most people will have cake I'm not saying everyone will but in Ireland most communions have things like cake, balloons and bouncy castles. It is a celebration after the ceremony.
My husband is good around the house but when it comes to things like the kids birthdays, Christmas, holiday organising it is always down to me.
My husband also likes to remind me how he earns more than me and if I'd like him to do more than he'll happily go back to a less managerial role and work 9-5.

Yes, that's the church part. Then everybody goes off to big family parties, very commonly in their house, with presents, food, balloons, cake, bouncy castles etc

The OP is describing a very typical first communion which does not sound over the top at all in the Irish context.

Yes, your husband is being unfair.

On a practical note, could one of the kids activities be skipped for this week to allow time to pick up the cake? Or could hair appointment be rearranged for slightly earlier in the day?

Or could another family member or friend help out by collecting it for you?

@Cherrylysander I think that will be my only option. I hate the girls missing their stuff as they have a competition next month but it may be the only way.

I’m sorry about that OP.

I get the First Communion preparations (Irish). Hope you all have a lovely day anyway. Might be an idea to have a chat with your husband when things are calmer as he seems to assume you’ll be the one doing all the organising here and that seems unfair.

So why do you stay with such a man? Surely if you very well know the score, why stay and live like this? It’s not something that you have to accept.

Call him on that and ask him to commit to it so you can go back to work. Show him some jobs youre applying for. He is 100% bluffing.