AIBU to think this is an overreaction?

[Heybabyleaf]

Hi there, I just want to get people's opinion on the following situation. It's about my mum. First of all, some background. My mum (55) and I (27) have always been close, especially since I turned around 12 my mum started confiding in me and telling in me a lot of stuff about her and my dad, who is narcissistic. She's had a difficult life as she didn't have much emotional support from her parents growing up. Her mum could be quite cold and harsh to her. My dad is narcissistic as well and can be emotionally abusive as well. Both her mum and my dad can be critical of her. Looking back she told me a lot of stuff I shouldn't have known, especially at such a young age. Since around then we spent a lot of time together, shopping, talking etc until I got married in 2022. I almost always agreed with her on everything, even if she'd have an argument with my brother and I would think she was wrong I would side with her because I felt like I had to. However, ever since I got married in 2022 and moved out I became independent and differences in opinion started arising and I noticed she didn't like me disagreeing with her. I talk to her on the phone (we live 2.5 hours away from each other, in different cities) almost every day and she frequently says something blunt to me that hurts my feelings. She's blunt with me quite a lot. Also, especially since DS was born last year, she's been critical of how we raise him and she's been finding faults and voicing them and offering us no encouragement. I rarely say anything though, because if I call her out on anything she reacts badly. I let a lot of things slide, even if I'm really upset about it, as I don't want her to think I'm criticising her and I don't want her to react badly.

Anyways, so this morning my mum said something about me on the phone that upset me and she said it in front of my son. That upset and annoyed me, and I was fed up to be honest. So, after some pondering, I sent her a message addressing what she said and also how I've found her to be quite critical of how me and my husband are raising our son and how advice is good & appreciated, but I need some encouragement sometimes as I want to hear from her that she thinks I'm being a good mum. I said that if I never hear it from her I then think she might think I'm not a good mum. I was quite diplomatic, like I wasn't rude or anything. Her response was (paraphrasing) that we probably shouldn't call each other and that after hosting our baby's first birthday (the party is on the 4th of May at her house) she is going to remove herself from my life. AIBU to think this is a complete overreaction? Both my brother and husband think so. They're the only people I told so far.

Well that blew up didn’t it. Sounds like your DM doesn’t like being criticised but thinks it’s fine for her to do it to you. Maybe her Mum was very critical of her but she let it slide and now thinks she can do the same to you and you will also ignore it.

@Trinity69 Well, my mum is actually way more outspoken with her mum than I am with her. And my brother is allowed to speak his mind, but for some reason I'm not 🤷🏻‍♀️

It sounds as though your Mum is treating you in the same way her mother treated her : not giving you any emotional support.

It also sounds as though she has used you as an emotional crutch since you were very young. And now you have asserted yourself she really doesn't like it because she thinks your job is to support her and you aren't supposed to be a person in your own right and with your own needs

I think it's sad that she has been so critical of you as a new parent when her own experiences should have made her want to be a better and more supportive mother than her own was. And her reaction to you asserting yourself is ott.

Tbh though if she does go no contact with you it will be better for you than having her as a negative presence in your life.

It seems like she can't cope with a change in dynamic from you being a passive follower of her every opinion to a more assertive, independent woman. You can either go back to being a passive follower (I imagine you're not keen on that option) or try to provide her with the space and encouragement to get used to a different dynamic with you. I'd like to think that if you don't feed the drama and give her some time she may get there but its not in your control in the end.

If i was spoken to.like that I'd be replying " Not to worry about the party well have it at ours, bye".

She's telling you to get in line and I wouldn't stand for it now or it will be your whole future

I think those with narcissist parents have a major overreaction to criticism. She can't bear you saying she's in the wrong would be my guess.

Call her bluff. No party at her house. No phone calls. No one else is going to put up with her shit. Why would you want your baby’s party hours away from home?

Yeah, reply and say not to worry about the party and leave it there.

It might change in the future, it might not, but you’re signing up to a lifetime of this if you give in to it now.

Agreed, overreaction and being very manipulative. The party just buys her time to think it over and for you to stew into compliance. Pull the plug on the party and do as your mother asked - no contact. Let her come to you.

Now you see her in her true colours. The first time you challenge her, she reacts like this. She's trying to beat you back into line.
You really have two choices, live with a whole load of negativity and criticism, or speak up more, and face her wrath.

To be honest it might be best calling her bluff on this situation. I'd definitely remove the 'threat' of the party being held against you. I'd hold it at yours.
Some space between you is needed now, you've got your own family, life and responsibilities to be worrying about. Your mum has leant on you for far to long. It's time to put a bit of distance between you. It'll only get worse as your Son gets older. Nip it in the bud now.

Just say civilly that you don’t think having your baby’s party at her house is a good idea in the circumstances, and step away for a breathing space.

Thank you for your responses. The reason why we were going to have the party at my mum's place is that we live in a small apartment and we're also in the process of packing to move out, so there isn't much space. It's kinda hard to cancel the party as a few family members are travelling to it. DH's parents booked a hotel for one night and his sister and brother in law are flying in from abroad... They might've already booked the flights.

Are you sure it’s your dad who’s the narcissist?
Thats a powerful reaction from her designed to get you back under her control. Your decision whether you comply, or assert your boundaries firmly.

Oh OP…. It’s interesting that you say your dad is narcissistic…. Because the way you describe your mother, honestly she sounds that way…. Dumping inappropriately on a child… being the victim… refusing criticism…feeling pressure to side with her even when you don’t agree…. over-reacting and emotionally blackmailing with threats of complete withdrawal…. How much of your judgement of your dad is based on your mother’s account of things, out of interest?

But you clearly can’t go ahead with it at your mother’s in the circumstances, regardless of who’s travelling from where!

@WindingStair I definitely don't want to, we just don't know what to say to DH's family... We can't tell them what happened

Can you book somewhere to hold it? Hire a hall or something? Or have it outside in a park? I wouldn’t have it at your mums

You can say that it's not going to be possible to have it at your mother's house. Find a church hall or something and host it there. Or just cancel the party and give people the option to change flights etc.

@financialcareerstuff @SpecialPatrolGroupp It definitely looks like that... My dad is definitely narcissistic as I lived with him for many years and I know what he's like, but I think my mum is quite damaged by him and her mum. Different people (including me, my husband and my brother) have told her she should split up with him, but she won't do it. I think she's not in a good place emotionally and mentally and reacts kinda aggressively to what she perceives as criticism. She needs some counselling or something...
My brother offered to speak to her. He thinks she'll come around, but I told him not to for now. Even if she does come around, I don't know how to go back to how we were before after what she said...

@Neodymium @ThePiglet We wouldn't be able to book a venue unfortunately due to financial reasons, we'll just need to cancel it 😔

Tbh with you OP you Mum sounds like she's the narcissist.

What about a park? If it’s may the weather will be nice. Find a nice park, with a table and get some big picnic blankets. You can put up some decorations.

I had my son’s christening in a park. It was nice.

@Neodymium We might do that, thanks for the suggestion 😊

Mum texted me like if not happened this morning. I never messaged her back on Friday and now she just texted me as if everything is normal. Weird!!

Do not reply to her as if everything is normal, though. She is manipulating you and potentially gaslighting you.

Take the opportunity to decide what, if any, relationship you want with her going forward, and then do that.