AIBU to think this is an overreaction?

[Heybabyleaf]

Hi there, I just want to get people's opinion on the following situation. It's about my mum. First of all, some background. My mum (55) and I (27) have always been close, especially since I turned around 12 my mum started confiding in me and telling in me a lot of stuff about her and my dad, who is narcissistic. She's had a difficult life as she didn't have much emotional support from her parents growing up. Her mum could be quite cold and harsh to her. My dad is narcissistic as well and can be emotionally abusive as well. Both her mum and my dad can be critical of her. Looking back she told me a lot of stuff I shouldn't have known, especially at such a young age. Since around then we spent a lot of time together, shopping, talking etc until I got married in 2022. I almost always agreed with her on everything, even if she'd have an argument with my brother and I would think she was wrong I would side with her because I felt like I had to. However, ever since I got married in 2022 and moved out I became independent and differences in opinion started arising and I noticed she didn't like me disagreeing with her. I talk to her on the phone (we live 2.5 hours away from each other, in different cities) almost every day and she frequently says something blunt to me that hurts my feelings. She's blunt with me quite a lot. Also, especially since DS was born last year, she's been critical of how we raise him and she's been finding faults and voicing them and offering us no encouragement. I rarely say anything though, because if I call her out on anything she reacts badly. I let a lot of things slide, even if I'm really upset about it, as I don't want her to think I'm criticising her and I don't want her to react badly.

Anyways, so this morning my mum said something about me on the phone that upset me and she said it in front of my son. That upset and annoyed me, and I was fed up to be honest. So, after some pondering, I sent her a message addressing what she said and also how I've found her to be quite critical of how me and my husband are raising our son and how advice is good & appreciated, but I need some encouragement sometimes as I want to hear from her that she thinks I'm being a good mum. I said that if I never hear it from her I then think she might think I'm not a good mum. I was quite diplomatic, like I wasn't rude or anything. Her response was (paraphrasing) that we probably shouldn't call each other and that after hosting our baby's first birthday (the party is on the 4th of May at her house) she is going to remove herself from my life. AIBU to think this is a complete overreaction? Both my brother and husband think so. They're the only people I told so far.

Did you reply?

The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree, ultimately.

She sounds very manipulative. At this point, I would be wondering how much of what she had told me about other family members is actually true. Bet their versions of events would be very different.

Very cruel of her to threaten to cut you off. I would tell her that is fine if it's how she feels.

You don't need her approval. Be confident in yourself and your OH that you are good parents.

I would say if a woman started confiding in a 12 year old about their dad’s behaviour then it’s most likely that the mum is the narcissist rather than the dad.

From your post (even before the cutting you off bit) it sounds like she’s quite toxic.

I would certainly recommend whatever you decide put in place some firmer boundaries about what you tolerate from her.

My first thought too.

And-I mean this in the nicest possible way-she shouldn't have been confiding in you her relationship problems with your dad when you were essentially still a child yourself.

Iv watched a cousin and her family go through similar. From my perspective sending the type of message you sent is counter productive with the type of person your mum is.

I think your mum has perceived your message as a personal attack, basically she thinks it's everything she has done wrong in her life. Doesn't matter that you were diplomatic and expressing yourself, she will have missed all that and just taken it as an attack.

By the sounds of it she knows she has over reacted and is now in panic mode or your brother has had a word.

You might be better calling or having a face to face if you want to air things. Or you can be like my inlaws and sweep it under the rug

Iv a relative prone to negativity and martyrdom. I don't seek reassurance from them. I hold my boundaries when they are being negative and try to minimise contact when they are irritatingly negative

Just what I was about to suggest.

I wouldn't be having it at your Mum's. If you can't find anywhere for a party, I would find a local cafe and go there for some food.

Then I would go no contact with your Mum until she contacts you. Play it by ear, but don't allow yourself to be in a position where is constantly criticises you. When she starts, interrupt her and politely say 'sorry Mum, have to go now, speak soon'. She will hopefully get the message that if she moans to you, you don't stay around to listen.

Thank you all for your responses. More stuff has happened. My mum cancelled the party herself giving back pain as an excuse. If this hasn't happened she wouldn't have cancelled it back pain or no back pain.
My brother spoke to her and said he was defending me until she told him "more stuff".
Today mum recorded me an 8 minute voice message basically crying and turning me into the bad guy. According to her, she didn't mean she was going to "remove" herself from my life. She meant she was going to "distance" herself. And how could I be thinking she was going to actually remove herself from my life? How dare I think something so horrible about her?!! She completely invalidated my feelings and emotional needs and said that she never said she was a perfect mother and didn't think the willingness to be a good parent required applause. (She apparently doesn't need it.)
I read up more about narcissists (especially narcissistic mothers) and I can see how my dad is definitely a narcissist, my mum also has a good few traits that are clear to me now. It became more evident since my son was born.

Honestly I would sever ties...let your little one grow up without witnessing you being distressed / manipulated by her.
You have your husband & his family and your brother.
I say this as someone whose had 50 years of the tears / threats etc and I wonder why no one dared to say, enough already.