to think that if you say to me "I look at you and don't see a fat person, I see a lovely person"...

[QOD]

actually means they look at you and see a fat person?
If not, why mention it?

If you do use that phrase, don't.

It hurts.

is it really that bad? I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

You are fat and you are lovely. It's factually correct .

if other people make comments like that too, perhaps you come across as being very honest about the way you are.

It's OK for me to be honest about my size/my feelings about it, but that doesn't mean I want clumsy, backhanded compliments, thanks.

foxinsocks - it is that bad, especially when you hear things like that troughout your life. Would you turn round to someone and say "I look at you and I don't see a blonde person, I see someone who is intelligent" or "It's a shame you're so old, you're such a lovely person" etc

if I heard that comment, about someone who has self confessed that they are fat, I'd think someone was trying to be nice, maybe not in exactly the right words but still trying to be nice.

they are saying 'I know you think you are fat but I don't think about you that way'

Ive always been a skinny cow up and didnt really fill out till my mid thirties. I found that people used to say to me 'oh god have you lost weight, you dont look well'. Thats nice to hear. It never crossed my mind to comment on someones weight, how rude.

Do you say to people 'have you lost weight, you look great'. Does this imply they were a great big munter before? Why not say, 'you look nice today' or just shut up?

I personally dont want anyone to comment on how I look unless its to tell me I look fabulous!
BouncingTurt - my mum being ashamed of herself - hilarious!!!!!!!!!! Its her fault I have a clothes, makeup, shoe fixation!

but they're not trying to be nice - they are saying "You are fat, but if I ignore that by concentrating on some other aspect, I can just about manage to like you and pretend that you area a 'normal' person"
It's not easy to understand unless you'e on the receiving end

area??? - are

oh ok, so you are saying they mean you can't be fat and lovely. I just don't think people mean that when they say it but I can see why if you thought that you'd be offended.

Thing is, when you are fat, people do see that pretty immediately don't they. I was almost 30kg overweight after ds2 and I looked like a huge heifer. I'm sure it was one of the first things people saw/thought about me and I certainly felt fat and thought I was fat and I would have been pleased if someone had said that to me!

But equally if you are a size zero people are going to see that first too.

It's a foul comment. My mum is master of the backhanded compliment, so I"m familiar with the genre:

"Oh, your hair looks so much better now you've let it grow a bit, it looked really butch short."

"Oh, you look so much better now you've lost a bit of weight"; "It's such a shame you got pregnant just now, you looked so lovely after you lost all that weight" (I'm 6 ft and a size 14 for the record).

Etc etc.

I have tried to pull her up on it, but she just gets narky and says, "why are you getting all scratchy, I'm just trying to pay you a compliment." Er no, you're not. But they'll never get it, don't waste your breath.

Though you could try the line, "Well, there comes a time when every woman has to chose between her face and her arse." Or, "Well, if you want the tits, you've got to pay the arse tax."

Message withdrawn

actually I was exaggerating. I was around 20kg overweight not 30.

no, she has admitted she is fat. But she is also lovely.

Thats it exactly foxinsocks. It's as though they have to dr5aw attention to the fact tat even though we're fat, we should feel grateful that they still like us.

And NotaBanana - that is true, but unless a person is very, very thin, people rarely draw attention to it and thin people are accepted into groups, etc much more easily than fat people as they are seen as the 'norm'.

ROFL @ arse tax - like it

To explain, we had spoken some ten minutes earlier about smoking, she said she can't give it up, people don't understand. I said I gave it up like click that BUT I can't diet....

So, I had acknowledged being overweight but it was brought up during a different conversation.

Ha! arse tax! I shall remember that!

Not long after I had my daughter a woman said to me, 'you've got such a lovely face!!'

The worst is getting asked when the baby is due when he's sitting in the pram 6 months old!

See, the thing is that if someone genuinely
wants to pay you a compliment then they pay you a compliment; they do not qualify it. If they want to tell you that you are a lovely person, that's what they say.

Adding the bit about being fat tends to suggest that they are surprised at your loveliness because they don't expect it to go hand-in-hand with fatness.

Genuine compliments don't leave you feeling vaguely uncomfortable like this does.

Many stupid people still have a phobia about fat and come out with remarks like these because, deep down, they can't quite accept that fat people are human. I consider myself an average size (somewhere around the 14-16 mark depending on the brand and cut of the clothes), I've been bigger, I've been smaller, but I realy really don't think it's anyone's business but mine. And I do have a slight habit of using nasty conversation stoppers when people say unthinking things about weight - 'You've lost a lot of weight' 'Yes I've been very ill.' (not true, by the way, just an example of silliness).

I'm with you on that, madamez (it's no one's business but mine).

I'm dieting at the moment and it is commented on endlessly by those around me, making me conscious of the perception that regardless of any other achievement, my weight/appearance is the most significant/noticable thing about me. I usually say, 'thank you,' but I'm going to start saying something like, 'it's amazing that you could bear to be seen with me when I was a fat whale.'

I hear you oregonianabroad, good one.