Need help from emotionally regulated people

[wisteriahouse]

Okay so first up, let me start by saying that I have unresolved child trauma and know I have an anxious attachment style with my hubs (who by the way has an avoidant attachment style). I don’t trust my own intuition because I always look for the worst in my relationship as I have a deep fear of abandonment after a childhood of neglect from my mother and a physically absent father. So I need some advice from people who have a secure attachment style because I feel like my whole world is crumbling down but I don’t know if I’m overreacting.

So hubs, me and our young child have recently moved country’s to where my hubs and child were born. I am on a visa that expires on X date. As X date is approaching I either need to renew the visa or leave the country. Hubs tells me we can’t afford to renew the visa (he doesn’t want to use our retirement savings) nor does he want to leave with me because he has a really good job here. So I essentially would have to leave either by myself or with our son. He says he will stay to gain more experience so he will be able to get a better job upon returning to my home country (where he is also a citizen). He said it would be a year or so we would be apart. Obviously I’m not going anywhere without my son so he would be coming with me although my husband did say he should stay with him.

I feel rejected and like I’m not important (and my heart also breaks for our son being separated from one parent for so long). I know this kind of situation occurs often in families but it’s usually when they have no other options in which case, I could understand. But in our case we have a lot of money back in my home country (retirement is taken care of with our savings) so we really only need money for day to day living) rent, food, entertainment etc), we don’t need to put money aside for savings any longer. We aim to retire in around 10-15 years. So even without “good” jobs, we can still live a very comfortable life and retire around 10 years before the norm.

AIBU about this? The way I see it is that he is choosing his job over his family. He sees it as not a big deal and that he is doing it for our family and a year (or so) is only a short time in the scheme of things.

Emotionally regulated people, please help xx

What the actual fuck?! He won't spend money, which you do have available, in order for you to have a visa and stay?! This is insane, I'd be hitting the roof. He's basically saying he doesn't value you or your son. I'd be ending that relationship and heading home.

I believe I am emotionally regulated so I am qualified to tell you that's an incredibly disfunctional situation. He won't spend retirement money to allow you to stay together as a family? Meaning you would be apart for a whole year?
That is a very fucked up set of values he has. I'm sorry.

Having a minimum year break from you by actively supporting you being removed from the country and his lack of care who the child lives with is ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT CRAZY. You have the resources to stay together and he actually wants you to leave.

There will be no early retirement because the marriage won’t exist.

Where are your assets / money / investments?
Are they in your name?
Are they in the country where you currently live and have to move from?

I would be extremely wary of everything about this exclusion of you from the country & family life.

Is there anyone in real life that you trust that you can talk with? and who can help you manage the situation?

Because, after reading your post, I’m imagining a worst case scenario where a vulnerable woman marries a controlling man, the man then takes her to his country and then insists child stays with him while she is forced to leave, and she can do nothing about it.

Now, that’s not a very calming or regulating scenario, I’m not sure my advice will be helpful for you, based on this reading of your post.

Maybe your situation is not like this, more details will be helpful to build an accurate picture:

What cultures and countries are we talking about here?

How long have you lived in your husband’s country together, what is his job / your job?

How old are you and your husband, and how old is your child? Are you equal partners, what is parenting with him like?

What is your husband, and your relationship with him, like?

Gosh, it's all hearts and flowers from him isn't it? Do you feel like a close family unit? Do you feel loved and supported by him? Your OP read like a transactional business arrangement rather than a marriage.

I should have mentioned that this whole scenario has arisen because I’m not currently working. I haven’t been able to get a job in the area which I studied a 4 year degree for and have worked in for a long time. He thinks that if I stay I will be jeopardising my career and that I should move back home so I can start working again in that area.

My main priority is keeping my family in the same country and I just assumed that he would leave with me. He would still be able to get a decent job (he had one before we left) but it just wouldn’t be *as good. If I did stay in his country a further couple of years, it would make it hard for me to get a job back home as I would have been out of work for an extended time (not viewed kindly in my profession unfortunately).

@IslandsAround the assets are all in my home country in our joint names. We don’t have any assets in his country.

@Springadorable the money is all tied up in managed funds, shares etc. It’s not sitting in a bank account. So it’s not easy to get but definitely do-able.

If it's doable then it's doable, you sell shares etc and make it happen. In light of you not working though, would you get a work visa in a different line of work? I'd definitely explore that option.

I am emotionally regulated and he is being a complete arse, to the extent that I would be questioning the whole marriage. What on earth is he thinking? Just opting out of your marriage for a whole year?!

You are one half of this relationship. IF you want to try to make this work (I probably wouldn’t given his behaviour to this point), you need to TELL him that you ARE spending money on the visa renewal, or he IS going home with you and you will be going nowhere without him and your son. End of.
Who made him the boss?!

Honestly….unbelievable!

the idea of not renewing your visa because of money doesn't seem to add up - it would cost far more money for you & son to fly to a different country and rent a place to live and set up your lives somewhere else. If your DH really is that fussed about money, sit down with him and write out all the costs. I bet the visa fees are cheaper than all the moving expenses.

you talk a lot about retirement funds etc - is your DH doing FIRE or similar to try to max out savings and retire early? that is an interesting approach but there does need to be some flexibility.

does your DH not understand the emotional challenges that come with living apart? or does he not care?

My DH and I lived apart for 2 years for work because we both wanted to build our careers and it was only a 2 hour drive between our locations. we are now back together and happy, so it is not crazy to live separately for a bit. but you need to both be keen on the idea and be able to keep the emotional connection there.

This would have me getting my ducks in a row and preparing for divorce. If he is avoidant, I would be assuming he doesn't want the confrontation of separating face-to-face, so he is planning to do that once I've left the country.

Phew for that.

Why can you not access those funds and apply for the visa? It’s not his money or his choice.

Although why you’d want to stay is a little hard to understand at present given his approach.

You would find it easier to regulate your emotions if you weren't married to such an odd man.

@BruhWhy I can see how it could seem that way but I honestly don’t think he wants a divorce. He is just very focused on money (to the point he’s willing to split up our family clearly). He’s very loyal and I genuinely know he would not be trying to get me to leave to divorce me. It’s more that we would get more money that way as we would both be working really good jobs (so romantic).

@katkintreats I really appreciate your comment. I can be very sure that is not what is going on here. It was me wanting to move here that’s why we came in the first place. He absolutely wouldn’t be trying to isolate me from our son. I am Australian he is British. Currently living in England. I’m a lawyer he works in IT. I definitely have my ducks in a row in terms of our finances so he can’t swindle me or anything like that. I honestly think he’s just obsessed with money (over his family).

WTAF!!!! Yanbu! This is absolutely appalling from him.

I temporarily left my husband and two small children to establish a new life in a different country 25 years ago. We were fully in agreement that the move was best for our family. He sold up our home and I found us a new one, then he came to join me. But the key thing was we agreed everything together, and we were both mid career, not nearing retirement.

I think your husband is being very unreasonable.

That's appalling behaviour from him! I would not be happy at him choosing his job over me and his child!!!

How much is the visa? Sadly he is saying that you are worth less than this.

Could you get a WFH job but do it from UK to keep your work up?

You'd have to work Australian hours I guess so maybe part time. Or even something voluntary to keep your work record.

Your joint decisions about finances should reflect both of your priorities. He should not make a decision unilaterally that would mean you are going to be apart for a year. I am well emotionally regulated and I would also be hurt by this and certainly wouldn't feel it was in my child's best interests.

I don't think how you are feeling is anything to do with your emotional dysregulation. I think your husband is just a prick tbh.

Respectfully, OP, it’s concerning that you even think this is an emotional regulation/anxious attachment issue .

It's disturbing that you think this is even remotely normal of him, and that the only reason you are disturbed by it is because of your childhood trauma.

I don't know a single person that would think it was ok to refuse to renew a visa for your wife and expect her to go back to the other side of the world, either with or without their child because it was 'expensive' to renew their visa.

He's a cock. And I'd be heading back for Oz, with our child, and filing for divorce.

This has nothing to do with attachment styles or emotional regulation (I say this as someone with significant childhood trauma 😂). It’s just madness.

I’m an immigrant and moved to dh’s home country. The visa/citizenship process was long and expensive. Dh could not move back to my home country (even worse there!). You have savings, so much savings that you don’t need to save anymore. Use it for your bloody visa if you want to stay.

Your Dh sounds awful though and the question is, do you want to? Because now is a great time to ditch him and make a run for it. I’ve been stuck in different countries due to work commitments and visa restrictions. We did 2 years apart at one point before we got married. Absolutely no way Dh would ever want to live apart from us now. We’re a family. No one who isn’t a shit dad and husband would choose that, especially when they have plenty of money to pay for a visa. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am sorry that whatever has happened to you it had caused you to feel you need to ask if you’re being unreasonable. Because you definitely are not.

I think your problem isn't your attachment style but the fact you're married to an arsehole.

This isn’t anything about attachment style, it’s mad.

I think your husband has checked out of the relationship and for him this is a useful excuse for you to leave. He knows you won’t leave your son.

Do you need his backing to renew the visa- can’t you just do it and use joint funds/ transfer funds from an asset elsewhere?

That said, my advice would be to leave and go home with your son and get a job in your home country, make a life for yourself there. I wouldn’t be expecting him to follow any time soon though…