Need help from emotionally regulated people

[wisteriahouse]

Okay so first up, let me start by saying that I have unresolved child trauma and know I have an anxious attachment style with my hubs (who by the way has an avoidant attachment style). I don’t trust my own intuition because I always look for the worst in my relationship as I have a deep fear of abandonment after a childhood of neglect from my mother and a physically absent father. So I need some advice from people who have a secure attachment style because I feel like my whole world is crumbling down but I don’t know if I’m overreacting.

So hubs, me and our young child have recently moved country’s to where my hubs and child were born. I am on a visa that expires on X date. As X date is approaching I either need to renew the visa or leave the country. Hubs tells me we can’t afford to renew the visa (he doesn’t want to use our retirement savings) nor does he want to leave with me because he has a really good job here. So I essentially would have to leave either by myself or with our son. He says he will stay to gain more experience so he will be able to get a better job upon returning to my home country (where he is also a citizen). He said it would be a year or so we would be apart. Obviously I’m not going anywhere without my son so he would be coming with me although my husband did say he should stay with him.

I feel rejected and like I’m not important (and my heart also breaks for our son being separated from one parent for so long). I know this kind of situation occurs often in families but it’s usually when they have no other options in which case, I could understand. But in our case we have a lot of money back in my home country (retirement is taken care of with our savings) so we really only need money for day to day living) rent, food, entertainment etc), we don’t need to put money aside for savings any longer. We aim to retire in around 10-15 years. So even without “good” jobs, we can still live a very comfortable life and retire around 10 years before the norm.

AIBU about this? The way I see it is that he is choosing his job over his family. He sees it as not a big deal and that he is doing it for our family and a year (or so) is only a short time in the scheme of things.

Emotionally regulated people, please help xx

You are unfortunately not misreading the situation. He has decided that money is more important than you and also more important than your son. I'm not sure how this is recoverable, but you might try counselling before divorce. Personally I would take the boy home and then apply for divorce.

This has nothing to do with attachment styles or dysregulated emotions - this is an awful thing to do to your family and the fact that you even need to ask, I worry that he's gaslighting you quite badly.

Is your DH willing to allow you to take your son with you?

Thank you for all your comments. It probably seems like a no brainer to most of you that our relationship isn’t going anywhere. In my defence, it’s very confusing for me as we have been together since we were practically kids. I didn’t know any better when we got together and I guess this kind of thing is “normal” to me now. After these “incidents” he tends to backtrack saying I misinterpreted things and it’s not how he meant it blah blah blah. Hence why I start questioning myself.

Again, thanks for your help and insight. I am clear now on what I have to do.

Is it primarily about the money for the visa or about the impact on your career if you have a longer gap?

If it's primarily the money, yeah, I'd take that as a clear indication he doesn't value the relationship.

If it's actually primarily your career, I think that's more open to discussion. Do you want to continue as a lawyer? If so and you've not been able to find work here, that you returning home is a logical suggestion. Does he then come now or in a year when he's improved his career prospects? I'm not sure there's a right or wrong answer there. Some couples would make one choice, some the other. But you should be able to discuss it, talk through the pluses and minuses, how each of you weight them, even if you don't agree.

I am clear now on what I have to do.

OP, what do you intend to do? I am not that clear.