Is it impolite to be referred to as "the wife"?

[gollyimholly]

I feel like it's a bit rude to be referred to as "the wife" but can't articulate why. If others agree, would you mind sharing why?

For context DH messaged an acquaintance to say he can't make X because he "needs to relieve the wife from babysitting duties......"

This person, I don't think, knows my name but I feel like DH could have at least referred to me as "my wife". And I don't know what all the ellipses are about either but maybe I'm being pedantic there too.

yeah its lads' talk to make him look like this great, manly guy who is (eyerolling) being kept at home by the ball and chain. It's more macho than saying "sorry mate, I'm with the kids that day" or, God forbid "sorry no, got a great day planned with the kids and soft play"

Hate this. My dm used to give off to my df when he said this. Dh knows not to say this. 9

Of course it’s rude. He could use your fucking name — it’s not as though he changes spouse so often it’s a struggle to remember! I won’t even get started on the phraseology. He can’t do whatever it is because he’s looking after his own children.

I can’t stand it either. ‘My wife’ is perfectly fine but not ‘The wife’. Even worse is ‘The missus’ 😡

It’s a demeaning term. It puts a wife in the same category as a dog.

Just treat him the same and refer to him as "the husband" or "him indoors" in company, he'll get the message

I hope the acquaintance asked him who you were both babysitting for?

My mum always hated it and I do too. What's wrong with sayinh my wife or just, surprise, surprise, using her name?

Also "the missus" another one I don't like.

I’m divorced now but my ex h used to refer to me as “the wife” or “the missus”.

I didn’t even like “ my wife”.

To me it took away my identity as a person. He got told to use my name.

Whats wrong with using your name?
Agree with pp that he doesn’t like admitting to his mates that he’s got parenting responsibilities and you’re his ball and chain as a wife, keeping him from enjoying himself.
Maybe a sad “ Macho” thing ?

This exactly

Yes, it is rude, in fact I’d go further and say his language is objectifying you. It’s deeply sexist and degrading. That coupled with him referring to be parenting as babysitting duties would result in some very serious words in my house. He needs to grow up. The babysitting comment negates every single thing you do. He doesn’t recognise the value you bring. I’d be putting him right on that very quickly.

As for the ellipses, they are passive aggressive, replace them with an eye roll or a big sigh. Basically he’s saying he can’t have any fun and it’s your fault as you are expecting him (quite righty) to do his share on parenting/participating in family life.

Who are you babysitting for?

Ugh. I once worked with someone who talked like this - his partner was 'the missus' and I was 'boss'. I was his line manager but really. It was like being in a 1970s sitcom.

'The wife' is a phrase men only use when they're trying to convey annoyance, like their wife is just an irritating object that gets in their way. It's the sort of thing you'd get in a Bernard Manning stand-up routine. I associate it very much with very tiresome older men who are members of golf clubs and dress like Alan Partridge. For example, I bet Nigel Farage says 'the wife'. I hate it.

Thirty-odd years ago when I was 18 or 19 I worked in a newsagent and there was an incredibly annoying middle-aged man who used to come in to collect his reserved newspapers and magazines every day and he would always say 'Oh, and have you got that silly nonsense for the wife?' by which he meant her monthly copy of something like Woman & Home or Good Housekeeping that she had on order. And he would occasionally buy a box of Terry's All Gold or something 'for the wife so I won't be in the dog-house' after some misdemeanour or other.

I’d have more of an issue with the babysitting duties. Is this for your own children? Surely it’s parenting?
I actually didn’t mind being called the missus or the wife when I wasn’t actually either as it was said in a way that conveyed care as well as a relationship and commitment. In a scenario which ended because there wasn’t actually any of it.
Men use these phrases between themselves so I wouldn’t personally be bothered about that but I’d draw the line at him thinking looking after his own kids is babysitting.

'Our lass' is commonly used for wives and girlfriends in Yorkshire. Now that does sound like a dog !

yes , or a car !

Just start calling him 'the husband'.

It’s typical lad talk, demeaning to women. You are not ‘the’ anything. Babysitting duties indeed! Do you get paid?

The Wife = my possession, an object.

OP your DH may not be in the least bit misogynistic but using The Wife to describe you (probably his friendship group speak?) is quite insulting, yes.

Have a word and tell him the MN posse have given him a very hard time about it, and he needs to stop saying it 😊

This is exactly what I'm like. My DH calls me the wife or her indoors in a jokey way but he knows if he ever referred to parenting our DS as babysitting I'd rip him a new one 😂

The wife, the dog, the car, all possessions without personalities. I totally hate this. Attitude readjustment time…🤬🤬

“The wife” is ridiculously rude and reductive. He’s being very dismissive and disrespectful.

Thanks to a Finding Nemo fixation with Crush the Sea Turtle, we have Offspring and Parental Units - which can be misunderstood by people not in the family. So “The Missus” or similar could be an affectionate in joke, but otherwise it’s damned rude.

DH will use the term "The Wife" occasionally, like I'll use "him indoors". It's a jokey way of referring to each other. If it was ever done disrespectfully, I'd hit the roof.

It’s totally rude and uncalled for. Makes you sound like some commodity. My wife or of course your name is fine.

however how is he babysitting if it’s his own kid? That’s worse! You don’t babysit your own kid, you parent!