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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s unreasonable for husband to agree to his friend coming round when we’re already having a dinner party.

54 replies

Nomad68 · 24/04/2025 19:40

This happened years ago, but got brought up again ( by me) and my husband doubled down saying I’d been ‘a bit off’.
We were in our late 20s, just moved into a house. Christmas Eve and we had 2 friends (a couple)Coming for a meal and staying for Christmas Day.
i’d prepared a meal for 4. Sea bass fillets, so it wasn’t a one pot that could be shared between more people.
My husband’s friend turned up. The table was laid and food about to be served. So obviously I had to delay serving. Turns out this friend had contacted my husband asking if it was okay to come round - he’d said ‘yes’.
DH thinks we should have ‘accommodated’ him.
To me this is so blatantly wrong, but DH thinks we (meaning me) should have been more inviting!

OP posts:
FedupofArsenalgame · 24/04/2025 20:23

nomas · 24/04/2025 19:50

Pull up a chair and eat what? There were only 4 fillets.

Show quote history

Must've been sides A single piece of sea bass isn't a meal. I can't really see an issue with it Would just pull up an extra chair ( or stool if ran out of seats) and find something for him to eat. Seems rather unfriendedly and mean tbh

Growlybear83 · 24/04/2025 20:43

Apart from the fact that this happened years ago, of course you should have accommodated his friend on Christmas Eve! I’m sure he wouldn’t have asked to come round if he had family to spend the day with.

ExtraOnions · 24/04/2025 20:47

Most of people will have forgotten about it by Boxing Day.

healthybychristmas · 24/04/2025 22:11

I would have given the guy your husband's dinner and given your husband a bowl of cornflakes. It wasn't his friend's fault as he was there assuming he was welcome. It was your idiot husband's fault.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/04/2025 22:22

If he said that he has a friend turning up because he felt sorry for him as he had nowhere else to go, and he said he knew it wasn't ideal but that he'd pop out and get some extra nibbles and some cheese or something to make it stretch further then yabu.

If he sprung it on you, and expected you to sort it without any help or suggestions (in a 'dinner parties are no big deal even though I've never done one) and expected you to switch things up at the last minute then yanbu.

Also depends what the friend had on. If he genuinely had no other friends to see...or if he had just asked your husband if he fancied hanging out, and your husband just said yes without a second thought (and if he'd said no, the friend would have other options etc). If the latter I'd be pissed off.

Original poster
Nomad68 · 24/04/2025 22:27

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/04/2025 22:22

If he said that he has a friend turning up because he felt sorry for him as he had nowhere else to go, and he said he knew it wasn't ideal but that he'd pop out and get some extra nibbles and some cheese or something to make it stretch further then yabu.

If he sprung it on you, and expected you to sort it without any help or suggestions (in a 'dinner parties are no big deal even though I've never done one) and expected you to switch things up at the last minute then yanbu.

Also depends what the friend had on. If he genuinely had no other friends to see...or if he had just asked your husband if he fancied hanging out, and your husband just said yes without a second thought (and if he'd said no, the friend would have other options etc). If the latter I'd be pissed off.

His friend only wanted a couple of hours ‘entertainment’ before planning to go to a club. He has friends and family and was not alone as such. I wasn’t unwelcoming or awful to him, just at a loss as an unplanned for guest.

OP posts:
HandsFaceTeeth · 24/04/2025 22:29

Bloody Nora. This was ages ago. Why is it still an issue?

Goditsmemargaret · 24/04/2025 22:32

I would have been irritated at the time.

brunettemic · 24/04/2025 22:34

To think it’s unreasonable for husband to agree to his friend coming round when we’re already having a dinner party. me to bring up the same ridiculous arguments from years ago again.

fixed your title for you.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 24/04/2025 22:34

TomatoSandwiches · 24/04/2025 19:51

I would have given the extra guest my husbands plate and served DH a sandwich.

Yeah, absolutely this. He basically invited his mate round but failed to mention it and did fuck all to prepare for it clearly expecting you to magic a meal up out of thin air. Dick move.

HeddaGarbled · 24/04/2025 22:38

This is a classic case of wife trying to be all first-mortgage, smug-married, dinner-party couply and husband still in the mates zone.

savethatkitty · 24/04/2025 22:40

Yeah, nah. Sometimes you have to pull up your big girl panties & say no. Your DH should have said no to his friend in this instance, in my humble opinion. A casual BBQ sure, but not a sit down meal, especially at Christmas. Christmas meals are planned

RareGoalsVerge · 24/04/2025 22:41

It's a deeply dysfunctional relationship that still has contention for something like this after so many years. Get over it.

Being generous and welcoming to unexpected guests on Christmas Eve is good. As pp say, the correct thing would be to serve the extra guest the food that DH was going to be served, and give him something random (we always have half a dozen things in the freezer or larder that can be microwaved in a few minutes). He should have told you as soon as he knew. Both of you should have apologised to each other by Dec 31st at the latest and then stopped thinking about it. Your relationship is doomed because neither of you has the maturity to actually cope with a grownup relationship.

Endofyear · 24/04/2025 22:45

Depends how good a friend they were - if one of my friends turned up unexpectedly I would always accommodate them so it's only fair that I'd have to treat my husband's friends the same. I'd have raided the freezer and found them something to eat!

justasking111 · 24/04/2025 22:45

sweeneytoddsrazor · 24/04/2025 19:52

Why on earth are you bringing up something that happened years ago?

My husband does this and he can go back decades. It's very unattractive.

Grammarnut · 24/04/2025 23:24

A friend comes round on Christmas Eve and you are serving dinner. Naturally he/she joins the meal. It's Christmas Eve. It's all about someone being turned away. You do know that, don't you?
See Matthew 25: 34-40. That's who you shared the fish with.

Grammarnut · 24/04/2025 23:25

healthybychristmas · 24/04/2025 22:11

I would have given the guy your husband's dinner and given your husband a bowl of cornflakes. It wasn't his friend's fault as he was there assuming he was welcome. It was your idiot husband's fault.

Edited

It was Christmas Eve. Of course he was welcome.

2024onwardsandup · 24/04/2025 23:26

TomatoSandwiches · 24/04/2025 19:51

I would have given the extra guest my husbands plate and served DH a sandwich.

Is your husband incapable of making his own sandwich?

2024onwardsandup · 24/04/2025 23:28

RareGoalsVerge · 24/04/2025 22:41

It's a deeply dysfunctional relationship that still has contention for something like this after so many years. Get over it.

Being generous and welcoming to unexpected guests on Christmas Eve is good. As pp say, the correct thing would be to serve the extra guest the food that DH was going to be served, and give him something random (we always have half a dozen things in the freezer or larder that can be microwaved in a few minutes). He should have told you as soon as he knew. Both of you should have apologised to each other by Dec 31st at the latest and then stopped thinking about it. Your relationship is doomed because neither of you has the maturity to actually cope with a grownup relationship.

God almighty - who are these men who aren’t capable of making their own food

your dickhead husband invited someone round without telling the person who was cooking the food

ofndourse that was a dickhead move. The correct response was for your dickhead husband to sort the food

as for bringing it up years later - unsurprisingly your dickhead husband is still a dickhead . Why are you with him?

ForFunGoose · 24/04/2025 23:33

I think you are overthinking this.
Dh friend probably only wanted a drink and chat.

In that situation I would have asked if they wanted to pull up a chair for a drink and offer a small plate of food. Am sure there was a fridge full of food at Christmas so didn’t have to be sea bass.

I would always try to accommodate a visitor especially at Christmas.

Doingmybest12 · 24/04/2025 23:39

I'd like to think I'd be welcoming but actually if I'd put effort into a special night and my husband invited someone else,not connected to the original guests I'd be pretty annoyed and see it as disrespectful of my effort . Unless of course they were a friend in need in some way. But I expect I'd get over it pretty quickly , hopefully he'd see it from my view point too or we'd agree to disagree and move on. So has he continued to be disrespectful and this is why it's still rumbling on?

Curioushoney · 25/04/2025 07:43

This would be nothing more than a vague funny fond recollection in my mind

Not so it would appear for the op

Curioushoney · 25/04/2025 07:45

I bet the poor guests could have cut the tension with a knife during this dinner!

Wolfpa · 25/04/2025 07:47

You are being unreasonable for continuing to make it an issue.

GoodCharl · 25/04/2025 07:49

It would have been annoying re the food situation but id of rolled with it. The more the merrier 🤷🏻‍♀️