DP hates spending money - red flag?

[SunChasing]

Well he doesn’t openly hate it - but he refuses to admit he needs to be a bit more free and enjoy what he earns.

Background, we own our house (have a Mortgage), have an emergency fund and seperate savings etc.

DP takes home c.£3000 a month. He spends c. £1000 a month on his share of the Mortgage, bills, his car/gym membership etc.

He then budgets about £100 a week for food and £50 for social e.g if we go for a meal or see friends etc.

He then saves the remainder so at least a third of his take home.

He only buys clothes if he really needs new ones and never treats himself for gadgets or any bigger purchases. It’s a bit of a stretch to him to want to spend a load of money on a weekend away as that comes out of his savings pot.

Am I being unreasonable to suggest he should just be a bit more ‘free’ and enjoy his money? He can still save at the same time.

Red flag for what?

It's not a red flag,
My eldest loves to,save. Spends very little, only what is necessary. He is a student and has managed to have savings enough to travel a little when he graduates this summer. It is a huge green flag imho.

Team DP. He sounds sensible, and takes budgeting seriously (if you over spend one month, under spend the next to balance it) and looks to the long term. Sure, that might mean you don't get as much fun in the short term, but it's not a bad characteristic. Sounds like he's trying to ensure he can contribute equally in future, which is a massive green flag. If you want more luxury, maybe agree the budgets a bit higher before hand, or treat him every so often if it's genuinely what you'd prefer. Bit unreasonable to complain he doesn't want to break over an agreed budget for a holiday.

Ah! So your money is your money to save.... but his money isn't his money to save, and you should be able to say what he can and should do with it? But if he saves his money... its a red flag? But not you saving your money as you put it in fixed accounts?🤨

I think I might be the female version of your DH. I'm a "saver" not a "spender". Growing up we were a typical 70s family with not a lot of spare money so financial security is important to me. I would prefer to take a flask of coffee and a homemade cupcake on a roadtrip then spend £20 at a service station cafe.
I'm saving to pay the mortgage off next year, and then so I can retire early.
I have plenty of clothes and don't really need to buy more. I've been seriously decluttering the house and don't need anymore "stuff". Bigger purchases I wait for DH to gift me for Christmas or Birthdays.
I do have a gardening habit and can't resist new plants and I have a fairly expensive skincare regime so I could cut back even further if I needed to.
For holidays we set a budget we are both comfortable with and pay half each. I wouldn't expect him to upgrade just because I wanted to.
Spending time with family and friends is more important to me than spending money on "things". Let him be.

What are his financial goals (e.g. does he prioritise financial security/building investments)? Does he want to achieve this foundation first before opening up to spending money on fun? Or is it just saving for the sake of it without a long-term plan/out of fear? What are your long-term financial goals? Do you have family financial meetings or coast through without detailed knowledge of what you're both spending? It's worth having really detailed conversations about what your want to do to balance security with enjoyment of life. A lot of people are not saving enough into their pension and pension poverty will be a huge issue within the next 20-30 years.

He sounds a bit like my husband who wears clothes that are more than a decade old. But we're on the same page with spending Vs saving. We prioritised paying off our mortgage over fun for the last 8 years and are now prioritising holidays and things which bring us joy as a family while our kids are still young.

For me, wanting to build a solid financial foundation would be a huge green flag, as long as it doesn't continue too far past the point of achieving financial freedom. But, he's your husband so my views are irrelevant really. If your financial goals don't align, that's not great for the long-term.

From what you’ve written I’m seeing bright green flags.
He is “ relaxed” about spending money on the things he sees as priorities
sounds like a responsible guy to me

OP, there are many, many worse things in life than having a partner who is careful & responsible with money & who has zero interest in pointless, wasteful consumerism.

Be careful what you wish for.

I know we're all different but this would be a green flag for me!

Do you earn the same amount?

Maybe he just doesn't see the need to spend
I don't spend money on myself
I buy loads for my kids, I encourage dh tp biy whatever he wants (single income family I'm the earner) but I just don't get things for me unless I need to.

It sounds like he treats his savings as a debt, which isn't a bad thing at all. Maybe he could loosen the strings a little for his entertainment budget a bit more, but as long as nobody is doing without all of what they need and some of what they want, I see no problems, just a secure future.

I don't really see this as a red flag. He is not expecting you to pick up his share of the bills, he will spend but within budget. I was always a saver and DH a spender. At the time he would constantly suggest spending on something frivolous which I saw as a waste of money but we did spend out on nice holidays and meals out etc. Years later he thanked me though when my saving meant he could retire 8 years before state pension age.

If you intend to move house your DH is doing the right thing and saving hard to reduce the amount you need to borrow is sensible.

Neither of you earn that much if you want long term financial freedom and security. What are your long term financial plans?

I'd rather have someone who saves than one who spends more.

My DH doesn't really spend much and has enough clothes so doesn't need to buy more. His only luxury is his car ( and dogs). This leaves us with plenty of disposable income if needed but we're looking to retire early. We were mortgage free by the time I was 38. Let him save so you can be more comfortable in the future. No need to waste on material possessions. I'd rather spend the money on a holiday.

God I'd pick a saver over a spender any day

Sounds fine to me. He is responsible with his money and doesn’t spend unnecessarily. I might have misunderstood but I think you said you had more savings than he because you are a bit older. Maybe he wants to be able to match that? And why not spend from your savings rather than his?

The term red flag is being used far to liberally lately. It loses it's meaning if it's used for everything thats not what you would do yourself.

But 1k a month won’t really make a difference in the grand scheme of things

I'd be a bit more worried about you saying this tbh. That's very red flag-y to me. Why don't you both contribute a set amount to a joint fun fund every month then carry on having slightly different priorities with your own money?

It sounds to me like you want a bit more an upscale lifestyle but you want him to pay for it?

£3,000 post tax/month isn't exactly a huge salary unless you live somewhere very very low, its very sensible of him to try and save for the future.

Could you try to increase your earnings op? Perhaps if the overall family finances were more comfortable he would accept some higher lifestyle spending.

"he thinks the more he saves the better position we will be in".

Nope. He KNOWS the more he saves the better position we will be in. If you can't see that £12k a year is a good thing it's you who's the red flag.

Over the course of a mortgage if you take into account the interest on borrowing that extra money if he didn't have it in savings to contribute in essence it's actually worth £20-24k.

It’s nice you do have things yih will splurge on though

He’s not spending money on things he doesn’t want. It’s a bit like Dh coming on here and complaining I never buy a designer bag (that I don’t want). I do think a little bit of flexibility is a good thing but honestly I’d prefer to be married to someone with his attitude rather than yours (I don’t mean that unkindly).

DH tracks spends and it mean’t that we were mortgage free before we started a family (in my late 30’s granted). It’s a blessing. He’s a lot more relaxed than your DH but that was after mortgage was done and he never skimps on me an DC.

Tbh he sounds like he’s working towards security for both of you and I think it’s something to appreciate in a person.

I don’t see anything wrong in his approach. There’s nothing to say he’s being stk fey, and he’s so paying his way. Putting away money for savings/larger house sounds sensible to be, and means you’ll have a larger deposit.

I think it’s a positive in general- it’s hard to put the brakes on spending if they are the type who enjoys spending more than saving or are careful with their own money and free with yours