DP hates spending money - red flag?

[SunChasing]

Well he doesn’t openly hate it - but he refuses to admit he needs to be a bit more free and enjoy what he earns.

Background, we own our house (have a Mortgage), have an emergency fund and seperate savings etc.

DP takes home c.£3000 a month. He spends c. £1000 a month on his share of the Mortgage, bills, his car/gym membership etc.

He then budgets about £100 a week for food and £50 for social e.g if we go for a meal or see friends etc.

He then saves the remainder so at least a third of his take home.

He only buys clothes if he really needs new ones and never treats himself for gadgets or any bigger purchases. It’s a bit of a stretch to him to want to spend a load of money on a weekend away as that comes out of his savings pot.

Am I being unreasonable to suggest he should just be a bit more ‘free’ and enjoy his money? He can still save at the same time.

He sounds reasonable?

It's not a "red flag" by any means but in your case it indicates different attitudes to money. I'd be the same as you, I'd want to spend more on having a good time, but it's not that he's inherently wrong, just different.

I think that he sounds sensible to me. He is not spending his money on pointless crap, from the sound of it.

It would be a red flag if he was stopping you from doing things or making your / your family’s lives miserable by being penny-pinching. But from what you’ve said, it’s just that he doesn’t really bother with buying clothes and things for himself? Isn’t that simply because he isn’t bothered about them?

You mention that he budgets a set amount for food and entertainment like meals with friends. If he had spent his entertainment budget for that month, but (for example) two friends had birthdays and invited you both out for meals or suggested going to the cinema, would he refuse to go on the grounds that he was saving, even though he could easily afford it? If you were having a day out with your child, would he refuse to stop for ice creams or insist on bringing a flask and joylessly drink stewed lukewarm tea in the rain instead of going to a cafe? These are the tedious sorts of things that I would see as a red flag from someone who has a decent disposable income.

He's a catch.

Thanks all, reading back I probably was a bit unclear in my OP.

I think to try and articulate a bit more clearly, it’s that he is very cautious and I wish sometimes he’d just loosen up with money. Example being we are looking at going away in late May, by spending a couple of hundred more than we’d (modestly) budgeted we would stay somewhere much nicer without breaking the bank and he’d still save a lot of money after.

He will track his spend quite closely e.g if goes over on social spend one weekend, he will try and cut back the following one - but he’s not budgeted a lot for it to start with if that makes sense.

Er, yes it will make a difference!

Example being we are looking at going away in late May, by spending a couple of hundred more than we’d (modestly) budgeted we would stay somewhere much nicer without breaking the bank and he’d still save a lot of money after.

You said you have more saved than him, why can’t you spend the extra £200 then?

The old adage was spend a third of your income on your housing, spend a third on living and save a third. But that was when house prices were lower. Re-writing that for the modern age I think I’d include pension contributions (employee, not employer) as part of the saving third. The more important rule, IMO, is spend what you don’t save, don’t save what you haven’t spent. That one is Warren Buffet.

Well I can, but it’s not as if I need to because he’s skint, he’d just rather not spend the extra because he’ll save slightly less than he’s used to at the end of the month.

People who try to pressure others into spending money as if it's something to aspire towards are weird to me. I've spent most of my life aspiring to be more frugal and to spend less. I loathe the thought of wasting money on stuff that isn't worth it. I'm pretty glad DP has the same mindset because if I was the OP's partner, batting away her insistence on being frivolous would be quite stressful.

To be clear I'm not a total miser. But as you get older you work out which luxuries are worth it to you and which are not. My favourite thing to splurge on is a proper fancy tasting menu, sometimes costing hundreds, because I fucking love food. On the other hand you won't catch me shelling out any money on beauty products or interior design trends because I really don't care.

I'm like this because I've been very broke in my life and picked up a lot of frugal habits that I've never seen fit to get rid of. And also, oddly, because I'm not good at budgeting or keeping track of money. The best way to bypass that is to just not spend it in the first place.

If your partner doesn't think gadgets or new clothes are worth it then leave him be - he's being sensible.

And it's ridiculous to call this a red flag really. Green if anything. Personally I like knowing that my partner won't piss away vast sums on silly shit.

I’m not sure if you realise it op, but the whole post is so vague.

you didn’t answer the work question so it’s possible this is much bigger than anything you’ve actually said so far.

are you working and earning the same as him? Who is doing the childcare?

It's not a red flag because it doesn't indicate controlling or abusive behaviour. But it does indicate that he has a different attitude to money from you, which can cause problems in a relationship.

There is a difference between being sensible and miserable.
He sounds a bit miserable.
I am sensible and so is my husband.
Couldn't tolerate miserable, life is too short.
I admire sensible.

What is this bloody red flag ??

It seems a bit odd to be only thinking of this when you have a child and mortgage with him. The power balance in the relationship here is important. Your attitude to money should be as important as his. If he tightly controls the purse strings I would hate that. If you have a mortgage saving is stupid unless for something particular. You should pay off your mortgage earlier

So you want the nicer place, but you want him to pay for it despite you having more money?

He earns more than me and my savings are mainly in fixed accounts for longer term things. I’m not sure it’s a fair statement.

But you said, “I have more saved than him”
So you’re not skint either.
You want it, surely you should pay for it?

Say he wanted you two to do a wine tasting and theatre night, how would you feel if he expected you to pay for what he wanted?

You want to treat yourself to a nicer hotel, then you should pay for it and not expect him to pay for it.

He is a careful spender without being controlling. Much better this way than the other. More of a beige flag tbh.

I think it’s more of a red flag that you don’t seem to want to put your hand in your pocket and pay your share.

He sounds boring

This is called budgeting.

Is this a reverse?!

Thinking 1k a month won't make a difference when you want to borrow more money sounds like a very childish and frivolous attitude towards money. I suppose in this dynamic one of you (him) has to be responsible and stop overspending and lifestyle creep. Particularly if you want to move house and 12k a year is a drop in ocean to you.

Some people, me included, just really enjoy saving. It can become addictive. Sometimes I feel like I should loosen up a bit (tomorrow isn't guaranteed after all) but it's hard to break the habit of a lifetime.

I can tell it irritates my DP sometimes. But I also feel like he'll thank me in 10 years time when we're in a really strong financial position!