To think many stay-at-home mums would leave their husbands tomorrow if they had their own money?

[PlumShark]

“I love him” or “I’m trapped?”

Fine I'll bite.

Sahm for 10 years

No, wouldn't leave because "I love him"

I now earn very well, still haven't left him because "I love him"

Yeah, I’m one of them. If we won the lottery, I’d be off like a shot with half of it.

But my life is shit and now it’s just for my children, so I am unwilling to split assets etc at it would affect thier lives. I also left my first husband two decades ago, as I was young and stupid, and I saw the effect that divorce had on our son as he grew up. I lay the blame on the divorce for the devastating thing that ultimately happened to him. I will not do the same to my younger children. I’ll plaster on a smile and carry on.

I also have a chronic condition and I’ve seen first hand what happens to women as they age with it when they have no one or no money to pay someone. Dh is my only family aside from my young children, everyone else is dead.

I don't think there's a simple answer. Me and my ex lived together for a bit. When we were not living together everything was OK. When he moved in and I was the SAHM. Everything changed i wad so unhappy it was messing me up mentally and emotionally. I told him to leave. Doing that put me on to benefits. But I felt a massive weight lift of my shoulders. Money changed of course. But the stress of him being around was not worth it. But its probably not that straightforward for lots of people.

I work and have no desire to leave my husband but I’m realistic enough to admit my lifestyle would take a massive hit without him, as would my children’s

Not me. I quite like having him around.

Think most families- regardless of SAHP are financially dependent on eachother. Losing an income means a downgrade in terms of lifestyle, when children to consider it’s a huge factor, especially if not abuse it’s just a bad match years down the line.

Many? Unlikely. There’s no reason a sahm would have any less access to family finances.

I don't think it's restricted to SAHMs. I have several friends who would divorce tomorrow if they could do so without losing their houses.

It's very sad and makes me very glad that I own my home by myself.

I often wonder if some people do not realise what support they are entitled to.

Do you mean SAHM in bad marriages?

From my own anecdata over the years, it appears that a woman's capacity to put up with shit from her husband is nearly always linked to her own earning power.

Those who said "I've had enough of this, we're done" mostly had good jobs, supportive family and good self esteem.

Those who have put up with years of cheating, cam girls, porn usage, inappropriately messaging other women, wasting family money on vanity projects and boys golfing holidays, really didn't have any leverage at all and were stuck with the devil they knew.

Money doesn't buy you happiness, but it certainly gives you options.

I'm a SAHM and this certainly doesn't apply to me.

In some households, yes, the finances are genuinely shared and decisions are equal. But in many others, access doesn’t mean control or freedom. Not every SAHM has full transparency, autonomy or even confidence around money. And if someone hasn’t owned their income in years, it can be harder - emotionally and practically - to feel like they can just leave and start over. It’s not about entitlement, it’s about real and perceived power dynamics.

I've worked my entire life and husband has just left me. We're all screwed financially as can't afford to run 2 homes.

Friend who has separated has never worked. Continues not to and has come away with enough money to buy a house for her and kids.

Not sure I'd insist on being so equal if I had my time again, it hasn't helped at all.

Same here. We’re a team, not least because no one else would put up with us in a million years.

Nope. I’m a SAHM who isn’t financially dependent at all (own assets) but love my life and my husband (and being a SAHM).

Working mum here with relationship issues- I’m pretty sure if we hadn’t kids there’s a chance we’d both have walked away but money wise and the fact that juggling kids is hard enough with us both trying to figure it out is probably a major reason for us still being together (although I do love him) , Id guess sahm’s have the same but yeah actually money wise I’m in retail so it would be interesting money wise too. You’re probably not totally wrong

Yes, exactly. You’ve said it better than I did. It’s not that money magically fixes everything but it gives you choices. And I completely agree that when you don’t have earning power, support systems or confidence, it’s so much harder to walk away, even when the relationship is clearly eroding your self-worth. People often assume it’s just emotional attachment that keeps women in bad relationships but structural and financial dependence plays a huge role.

In my experience, the SAHMs I know seem to be in far happier marriages actually. There isn’t that constant juggle / tug of war that two working parents seem to have. I have no knowledge of their finances and whether the women secretly want to leave, but they certainly don’t seem to have the stresses that some of the other parents have.

I don't think it's just sahm. Hoe many people would not be in relationships if they didn't have kids. We probably wouldn't be, but we make it work as we made a commitment to the kids, theres nothing profoundly wrong with our relationship, we just probably would have grown apart if we didn't have the kids and wasn't prioritising them above ourselves. Obviously, if something is so bad you have to leave then its better to not be together. But I would hazard a guess that a lot of people are together for their kids sakes, may still love each other but would not be together if they didnt have kids.

Some women love their partners or are trauma bonded to them. But if they already wanted to leave then the money would make it easier

Aw no I love my husband, he’s great.
but if I wanted to leave him, we have a joint account bursting at the seams full of monnnney, so I could def leave him and fleece him if I wanted. Don’t worry about us! Xx

SAHM for 8 years of my 25 year marriage (which is still going strong). My DH is a good man which is why I'm not financially fucked as a result of my years being economically inactive. There are tens of thousands of women in shit financially unequal marriages. Being an SAHM is not the issue - being married to a prick is. You see loads of posts on MN from women who work but pay for absolutely everything child related so have no money despite working, or they are paying his debts etc.

What sort of numbers equal “many?” 15%? 40%? Over 50%?

Put me down as another SAHM who loves her husband.

I’d like to think that:

A) Most women are smart enough to not put themselves in a position where they’re financially reliant on someone else, without a get out clause or back up plan.

or B) If things were truly terrible, they’d leave and make it work somehow.

I am however saying that from the perspective of always being the higher earner, and never being financially trapped or beholden to anyone. I did leave my ex husband, and it was financially more difficult initially, but I’ve always felt fortunate that I wasn’t backed into that particular corner.

I'm with you OP. Sahm who left my country for one where my degree was not recognised (country specific degree). Was trying to do some courses and then DS1 needed one person at home (autistic). DH away half of the week for jobs. If I had money I would definitely leave with the kids because my marriage is dead and we have nothing in common except for the children. As for now I stay because of my children because DH is not abusive or a bad person.