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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have had a fight over him criticising my job search?

47 replies

LaurenBacalls · 24/04/2025 12:20

I’ve been unemployed for nearly 2 months, and an additional 1 month on garden leave. So 3 months in total searching for a job.

I’ve had 3 interviews: one job I didn’t get, the other I was through to second stage then heard nothing and third was yesterday. I apply for a lot but every day receive rejections.

Today I received a call from a recruiter with a project management role for £50k, remote 4 days a week and 1 day in office. When I talked to my partner about it he said well, 50k isn’t great. He’s on 40k!! So a big fight commenced. When we met I was on 30k and with his encouragement moved to 40k. I said is nothing ever enough for you?? He then said he just knows I’m worth more and won’t lie about what he thinks.

Being unemployed has hit me hard, especially as I am also going through bereavement. In a way I feel like I’m disappearing from society, as I have to keep turning down social occasions. I don’t feel like myself and I need his support.

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 24/04/2025 12:24

If £50k is not much he can go and earn it then. Hope you find something soon. The job market is tough at the moment.

Original poster
LaurenBacalls · 24/04/2025 12:26

he is in a teaching role that means he is stuck in his band for a while.

I just think I am happy with that salary and would like him to be proud of me. It is hard to think that even when I get this salary he won’t be happy. I don’t even have a job currently!

OP posts:
Original poster
LaurenBacalls · 24/04/2025 12:27

@notatinydancer thank you, and yes, the job market is very difficult compared to other years I’ve been searching.

OP posts:
TeapotCollection · 24/04/2025 12:29

‘50k isn’t great’ my fat arse! We earn just over that between us

Original poster
LaurenBacalls · 24/04/2025 12:33

@TeapotCollection exactly. in my job role where I live it’s just a bit above the average.

The problem here is no one wants to feel their partner doesn’t celebrate them. It feels like unless I earn less than 80k he won’t be congratulating me because he won’t view it as success. It made me really mad, it’s the biggest fight we’ve had.

OP posts:
Topjoe19 · 24/04/2025 12:40

I would be so disappointed in my DH if he had that attitude.

TeapotCollection · 24/04/2025 12:42

Has he been supportive about your bereavement? If not I’d honestly be questioning the relationship, that’s 2 major things in your life

KrisAkabusi · 24/04/2025 12:45

It just sounds like he thinks you deserve more and are capable of getting it. He's even said that's what he meant. You don't have to take this negatively.

Original poster
LaurenBacalls · 24/04/2025 12:57

TeapotCollection · 24/04/2025 12:42

Has he been supportive about your bereavement? If not I’d honestly be questioning the relationship, that’s 2 major things in your life

He has been very good both throughout my relative’s illness, the death and afterwards. Can’t fault him there.

just disappointed in the lack of support with this. It’s hurtful because I’m trying so hard.

OP posts:
Cyclebabble · 24/04/2025 13:05

You learn a lot about people's character when you hit low points, such as being out of work. How typical is this of his normal behaviour? He does not sound like a life partner who will support you through the bad times as well as the good. When you are back into work, it might be time just to have a think OP?

QuickFawn · 24/04/2025 13:07

Nah you can do better than him

he sounds jealous, leave him and be your own cheerleader and find someone who actually is supportive

BodenCardiganNot · 24/04/2025 13:08

He does not sound like a life partner who will support you through the bad times as well as the good
She literally just said that she can't fault him for how he supported her during her relative's illness and death.

toomuchfaff · 24/04/2025 13:14

Go get the job, get a job, even a 42k one, because your mental health is far more fragile when not in work handling daily rejections than his approval of your choices.

He has an opinion, everyone has one, like an arsehole, everyone has one of those too but I'm not that interested in hearing it.

Make the decisions you make for your own reasons, right now, you need to get back to work. The rest can come later.

treat getting a job, like a job;
Do what you can today, then shut off and go do something nice, walk in the park, do something that isn't revolved around "getting a job", take proper breaks, identify what tasks you can accomplish, do them, take a breath, get some lunch, have a chat about your day, do some more tasks, and most importantly-finish "work" , and go do none work activities.

Good luck

Coffeeforayear · 24/04/2025 13:18

£50K is great and he should be supporting you.

Why is he stuck in his band just because he's teaching? Is he going for promotions?

RedOrange21 · 24/04/2025 13:19

Could it be that he thinks you are underselling yourself? Especially if you were earning more before? That said I agree to taking a job whatever the salary for other reasons and then you can always move on^^

MyLegoHair · 24/04/2025 13:21

Well he can go and pull his finger out of his arse and earn a decent salary then can't he.

If he had some misguided idea that £50k was low for that role, or you have some big as yet untapped unique skill set, or he was trying to big you up in the dumbest way possible then I might eventually get past this if he's otherwise wonderful. I wouldn't forget this though. And if it turns out he's not otherwise totally wonderful then I think you've got to wonder if you've just found out what he is really like and consider whether that is "enough" for you...

Good luck with the job!

LoveTKO · 24/04/2025 13:22

He’s a cheeky git! Maybe he should start earning more then.

mummyh2016 · 24/04/2025 13:24

In what context did he say it? What I mean is if you were on £100k in your previous role then yes £50k is low compared to that.

roses2 · 24/04/2025 13:35

What were you earning pre redundancy? If you were on say £100k then he has a point but if you were on close to £50k I think you need to LTB!

And i agree with others - DH lost his job in April last year and is still looking. So, so tough out there right now.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 24/04/2025 13:38

It would depend if he means its not a good salary in general or not a good salary for that particular role

BlueSpikeyPearls · 24/04/2025 13:45

He is not "stuck". He could give up teaching for a 50k+ job. He is in no position to be throwing stones. To even pick a fight over this is really strange, especially since he seems supportive otherwise.

Why does he want you to earn more than 50K?

PinkyFlamingo · 24/04/2025 13:49

Has he got a problem with you earning more than him?

Original poster
LaurenBacalls · 24/04/2025 14:00

Is it likely that he has a problem with me earning more if he is encouraging me to earn more than him?

doesn’t seem likely.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaurenBacalls · 24/04/2025 14:01

Actually what happened is I said in about to phone this recruiter back about X job and his response was to criticise the salary.

I was previously on 40k

OP posts:
Anywherebuthere · 24/04/2025 14:04

Yanbu. But don't waste your time fighting about it, you will only feel worse. If you are content with what you are applying for then go for it. If he wants more he can go earn it.

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