Why did i hold off for so long

[Nottsandcrosses]

DD turned 12 last week and we had agreed that (on her birthday) the year she was going into high school she would get a phone.

For the last 6 months shes been very independent, walking to the local shops by herself to pick up items she wants(10 min walk), meeting her friends at the local shopping centre with a strict drop off and pick up times and walking to school by herself, and i have struggled massively with no way to contact her.
I have managed to keep my anxiety at bay but its been so hard.

Im super proud of her independence and the fact shes followed all the rules attached to that but my god its been so much easier now she has her phone, I can whatsapp her when shes out and track her with 360 app.

Now im wondering about my 10 year old, not right now, but the time will come soon when she wants to meet her friends and im really questioning whether i should just get her a phone instead of putting myself through that anxiety again.

Parental anxiety is a natural phenomenon. Teens deserve some independence and privacy. Will tracking them actually keep them safe or just alleviate your anxiety? There was a world before smartphones.

12 is definitely old to get a phone imo. Both of my kids got phones at 10. It's so much easier once they are contactable. I dunno how we ever made any arrangements in the 90s. You could give your younger child a phone but disallow certain apps. Your older daughter might be annoyed though.

Could you just get her a very bog standard phone you can call her on, rather than a smart phone?

While @Thistooshallpsss is right in theory, nonetheless, I feel much happier with DD having a phone (and DS when it was him). She is 10. Our compromise is that the first phone is a fairly basic/old/second hand job. As she's started goign to the shops or walking a bit out and about, both her and I feel hapier that she has the phone and can call if she needs to.

I think the reality is that a lot of children were NOT out and about becuase they felt scared, or their parents did. Even now, we have a lot of girls self=selecting NOT to spend time with ein parks or playgrounds. And the reality is that a phone can help to mitigate this.

Well i suppose its like alot of things, if the option is there im going to use it.

Before phones we had nothing, but now everyone chooses to have phones.

Was life simpler/easier before, yes probably, but everyone chooses to have a life with a phone so yes ill choose to track.

For the fact that the 12yr old got a phone close to birthday, I'd hold off at least a while? Sibling rivalry type situation where I had to wait til 12, and its my birthday, you just got it for nothing and you're only 10

Yes absolutely, i was thinking for her Xmas, not right now.

I think that tracking people is weird and wouldnt give my DS a phone in order to alleviate my anxiety.

You can't track your daughters location, you can just track her phone.

Kids leave their phones with friends then say "oh sorry, I didn't see your message"

Don't trust the location thing.

Some self awareness and confidence is what they need, not phones.

The tracking thing is not something i use a lot or constantly check, an example i would use it for is if dinner is almost ready, ill check and see shes heading home and will be 5 mins.

Its not about not trusting her, if she tells me shes going to the shops i believe she is going to the shops.

From your post, it doesn't appear you've allowed your daughter much independence at all. She sounds rather sheltered and your 'rules' quite strict.

My daughter has been consistently walking to the shops on her own, with her own bank card, buying her baking stuff, coming home and baking her own little muffins without any input from me - this is all without a phone and tracking!

She is able to ask for help in the shop if shes looking for items, calculate the money she has to what she can purchase.

She can stay in the house herself, make herself snacks and meals if she wants.

Ive said in my post shes independent so dont passively aggressively comment about something you know nothing about.

I absolutely agree with this. What's wrong with a brick phone to keep in touch (and a tracker on her bag if you must track her)?

If you do give your younger child a phone at a much younger age than their sibling, make sure you explain the rationale why.

(Yes, I am still annoyed that my younger siblings always got things at a much younger age than I did. Even more annoyed that my parents claimed we were all treated the same).

As i sad above, thinking more Christmas time.

I think it's natural for a parent to learn with thier first and adjust accordingly for siblings. As the eldest of three I was often peeved that my mum was more relaxed / lenient with my two younger siblings than she was with me, she told me she learnt by parenting me that she could be more relaxed with the others. I remembered this when I had my two, I fussed around my eldest so much and when my second child came along I was more like yeah whatever, if you want to eat sand crack on 😆

That's a very unremarkable level of independence for a 12 year old though (and with your strict rules around it, much less independence than many will have).

I'd expect your 10 year old to be able to manage most of that.

What rules? where in any of my posts have I listed rules 😂

You said you were super proud she'd followed all the rules you'd attached to her being given independence. So there must have been rules?

I think what many pp failed to consider is that context matters. As a child I walked to school 10-15min away with roads to cross and a canal) on my own from maybe 7-8yo. But we lived in a different city in a different time. No way would I allow my 6yo to do the same even though we live close to the school, even when he's a year or two older. We're in a capital city with people who drive like a reenactment of fast and furious. Not taking the risk.

If OP is happy with her daughter's level of independance, and her daughter seems happy too, why do pp feel compelled to comment on exactly how independant she is or isn't ?

OP I agree with PP who pointed out your daughter may be put out by her younger brother getting stuff earlier. Even if you wait til Christmas he'll be 11 when she had to wait til 12. If knowing where he is is the issue, put a tracker on his bag maybe ? Or ask your daughter what she thinks about it - my mother did that about pocket money for my younger brother, and both my older brother and I agreed it was fine for him to get it before we did, but we may have felt differently if she hadn't asked !

Yes the rules are things like:

Come home at the agreed time
Don't behave like a dick
Tidy your room make your bed etc before you go out
Generally respectful behavior

Nothing groundbreaking here, just quite proud of her generally and the way she has turned out.

If OP is happy with her daughter's level of independance, and her daughter seems happy too, why do pp feel compelled to comment on exactly how independant she is or isn't ?

We have no idea if her daughter is happy or not. You don't get a lot of say at her age, you have to put up with what your parents tell you to do. That's why it can be useful for people to point out that OP may have out of kilter age related expectations. On the basis that OP is actually saying she is happy for her younger child to do things at an earlier age, I'm not sure where things like the context of the area they live in come into it.

In your third paragraph

Another alternative to a phone is a watch that has GPS tracking and only approved contacts, so it could be only used for you to contact them (and them to tell the time I guess!)

i had to wait until 16 to get my ears pierced. my sister is 2 years younger than me so had potentially another 2 years to wait.

I paid for hers to be done for her 15th, she was delighted :)