Why did i hold off for so long

[Nottsandcrosses]

DD turned 12 last week and we had agreed that (on her birthday) the year she was going into high school she would get a phone.

For the last 6 months shes been very independent, walking to the local shops by herself to pick up items she wants(10 min walk), meeting her friends at the local shopping centre with a strict drop off and pick up times and walking to school by herself, and i have struggled massively with no way to contact her.
I have managed to keep my anxiety at bay but its been so hard.

Im super proud of her independence and the fact shes followed all the rules attached to that but my god its been so much easier now she has her phone, I can whatsapp her when shes out and track her with 360 app.

Now im wondering about my 10 year old, not right now, but the time will come soon when she wants to meet her friends and im really questioning whether i should just get her a phone instead of putting myself through that anxiety again.

I feel my confident with my child having a phone when out and about. I do not track her but it’s reassuring to know she can call me anytime.

Is 12 too old ? This disturbs me. My child
is younger but I am hoping not to get one for him until secondary school. I remember when I was 10 my parent used to give me their phone if I was out so I could ring them to get collected. That was a long time ago though!

I think 12 is a good age to get a phone with very limited access to social media. 8/9/10 is ok for a standard/not smart phone if just being able to contact them is going to make you life easier. My daughter will be getting the bus to school next year at 9 and I'm planning to get her a very basic dumb phone so she can let me know if running late.

It's the social media that terrifies me and that I'm keen to avoid for as long as possible!

You should not be tracking your DD for things like this.

Tell her to be home at X time as that’s what time dinner will be ready.
You can even text her and ask how long she’ll be/tell her that dinner will be ready in 5 mins.
If she’s not home, then she’ll have to heat it up when she gets in.

I don’t understand why you’re planning the dinner around what time she’s heading home, instead of telling her when dinner will be and her working out when to leave etc.

Also what would 5mins difference make.

There is no reason to track her in this situation.

You’re going to pass on your anxiety to her if you’re not careful.

kids have been walking around on their own for centuries before phones were invented.
It is the parents anxiety that gets passed on to them and it’s why we have a generation of young people who struggle to go to school or interview without anxiety.

Thats not a dig because many parents are the same but the more freedom and independence you give her, the better it will be for DD.

I think phones are a great thing and I’m glad you got her one.
I would even keep the tracking on there but I’d only use it if she hasn’t replied to my messages for 20+mins.

You say about how proud you are about your daughters maturity and independance before she got the phone, are these skills you dont think her sibling will need? Your youngest will have a totally different experience if you just give them a phone now to make yourself feel better. Thats not nessiseraly a bad thing but something to consider.

Whack an apple tag on your kid. Smart phones are the work of the devil. Look at smart phone free childhood on insta. Just because it’s become normal to give your kid a phone, doesn’t mean it’s right.

Very very good point, thank you.

Not passive aggressive in the slightest. Just someone with a very different idea of what independence looks like.

I'm born in 1989. I already had a mobile phone at the age of 11 as I needed to make my way home from school alone and had to be home alone for a couple of hours. It saved my mum's sanity.

Just get him a Nokia type phone with no social media.

Exactly this. A GPS watch won't help, you need to be able to ring your DD/DS.

I remember trying to do the "sorry didn't hear my phone" with my parents (we didn't have GPS but I was in a loud obvious place i shouldn't have been in) and they came down on me like a ton of bricks. It worked pretty well, although I still tried it very ocasionally 🤣 12 is still a pretty innocent age.

Bit surprised at comments that 12 is old for a phone! There is a growing movement to delay smartphones /social media for kids. Unless parents are giving their under 12s locked down brick phones? My son is 10.5 and we have no plans to get him one anytime soon, and it seems to be that way with his circle of friends, but then the smartphone free childhood thing is very strong at the school.

Children start walking to school independently in y5 round here. They all get mobiles then, but you can lock down the Internet and WhatsApp so they can only call and sms, and you can track them. No brainer when they start to do things away from you.

OP, it would be much better for you and your children if you learn to manage your anxiety, rather than tracking them on phones. Parents managed just fine before mobiles.

My nine year old has a GPS watch and you can phone it. He can also text me from it and I can text him, they also have an SOS button for emergencies. IMO it's a great interim solution if they are too young for a phone. He doesn't stray far from home obviously because he's still young but he likes to be able to message me when at a grandparents or whatever. OP this could be a solution for you?

Uch stop it 😂

I dont understand where people get im a huge ball of anxiety, yes i have the normal every day realistic worries which i keep to myself, i dont project them.

Honestly i was just wondering to myself why i held out so hard to give a phone when in reality its been great and really just made life so much easier.

Anyways ill leave the thread here.

I don’t agree that 12 year olds should have smartphones. My 10 year old has a Nokia brick phone. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Doesn’t have to be a smartphone
https://smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk/alternatives
so many downsides to smartphone use and many can be avoided if you want a phone but happy to shop around a bit to avoid the more unpleasant bits

Tracking your child and expecting to stay in contact when she's away from home is not ok. You're using her to manage a problematic condition that you should find a healthy way to control.

Go to your GP or find a therapist.

Hmm I think once they're in secondary school they do pretty much need a phone yeah but I'd be wary of getting the 10 year old one just to alleviate your own anxiety. There are also lots of pitfalls with having phones.

I also don't love the message that kids can't walk to the shop or school or whatever without being constantly contactable or tracked as I do feel that in itself can cause anxiety for them. It can make them overly afraid of normal situations.

I am a huge ball of anxiety. She has a phone but not allowed on social media. I let her watch her favourite bands on YouTube. Mostly I like to get out with her to eat, shopping. Anything to keep her away from technology really.

I was walking to the village shop to get stuff for my DM from age 7. No bank card though, all cash. No phones either.