To think a lot (most) people have inaccurate views of what an ‘overprotective’ parent is?

[Prinade]

And this included me until recently - well around 7 years ago when I looked into this further.

For ages I thought an overprotective parent was like a fluffy, cuddly mother who gets a bit anxious about her child going to late night parties etc. My mum admitted her ‘overprotectiveness’ led to my mental health and psychological/emotional problems as a young adult. However, her interpretation of ‘overprotective’ parent is a parent who buys the child loads of material things like toiletries and soaps etc!!

Overprotectiveness is actually a seriously negative style of parenting that really thwarts development. It also stops the child developing initiative. For example. I can remember being 11 and one Sunday suggested doing something to my parents but I can’t for the life of me remember actually what it was. It was nothing unreasonable or outrageous - but my mum said

“no you’re seeing Rachel today.” Rachel was a very middle class girl from a well educated background who my mum was desperate for me to be friends with. I hated Rachel - she was bitchy and irritating and as individuals we were very different. Rachel and I ended up being ‘friends’ until roughly speaking the age of around 16/17. It was awful - if I even showed any level of ‘dislike’ of this friendship with Rachel I was shouted down immediately very sharply by my parents.

My development as a teenager was thwarted by thinking that friendship was something that people did out of obligation rather than genuinely wanting to and I was the victim of the most vile bullying.

I read an academic paper on parental behaviour and they used this sentence over and over ‘parents behaviour wasn’t abusive or overprotective - using both these words interchangeably. I think abusive and overprotective behaviour from parents are similar because they have the same effect on children. Overprotectiveness could be said to have a sinister motive as well in that it gives parents more control.

I’ve read also that adults who were overprotected as children have much more difficulty getting out of abusive relationships as adults presumably because they have greater difficulty making independent decisions - presumably because independent decisions were shouted down’ by their parents as a child - I was met with extreme disapproval for just saying as an adult that I’d disliked the school I’d gone to !

my mum was blatantly abusive - but my Dad who’d been overprotected as a child - felt he had no choice but to stay with her.

Don’t get my wrong I think ordinary ‘protectiveness’ from parents is great - it shows that they’ve got their kids’ back - but over protectiveness if anything is negative and can make kids much more vulnerable. It’s not about shielding kids from difficult situations - it’s about thwarting their sense of initiative

Making you be 'friends' with someone isn't 'over protectiveness' though?
I don't understand what they 'key' part of your post is.

Surely over protectiveness is an excess of clearing away of problems, not letting a child do suitable age related activities, not encouraging them to spread their wings?

Although this sounds unhealthy i don't see how it is overprotectiveness, sure sounds insane but again would not define it as overprotectiveness

What you describe is controlling behaviour not overprotective behaviour.

Overprotectiveness is not allowing your child to do something which 99 out of 100 other children do - whether that be climbing on frames at the park or going on school trips - because you are scared something will happen to them.

I’m not sure that what you’re describing here is over protectiveness? So she orchestrated a friendship between you and another girl who you didn’t actually like? Where does the protective element come in to that?
To me, an over protective parent is one who prevents their child from taking normal risks or exploring the world around them, who limits the child’s experiences in order to assuage their own anxiety. So for example, not allowing normal play at a play park, cutting up their food into tiny bites to prevent choking, not allowing the child opportunity for social activities outside of the home/away from immediate family.

Yes I think overprotectiveness can be the things in the second paragraph you’ve mentioned but when I read more about it it’s also about controlling the child’s social sphere too much and disrespecting the child’s emotional boundaries

If this thread - which popped up on the "similar threads" at the bottom of the page - is also you, @Prinade , then you need to think about why this is bothering you so much, so many years later and start to unpick the issues you clearly have with your mum.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5161524-to-think-overprotective-parents-arent-even-protective

What a load of waffle.

I don't really get your point. Your mum was crazy, your dad didn't stop her. No one was overprotective.

Overprotective is stopping you doing normal developmental things. Eg my SIL still feeds her 1yo puree because she's worried about choking. That's over protection that is damaging the 1yo developmentally.

Sorry but I think you still aren't actually understanding what overprotective means. It has nothing to do with being cuddly, or buying soap (?) or forcing friendships you don't want.
The situation you described with your like ideal parenting, but it was more overbearing/controlling and pushy.
Overprotective is when you don't allow children to take risks or make their own decisions because of your own anxiety, trying too hard to keep them safe that you don't let them experience normal things and grow.

I think you’re doing mental gymnastics to fit standard definitions of ‘over-protectiveness’ onto your parents’ behaviour. But what you’ve described s a mother engineering one of her daughter’s friendships and both parents being angry when she said in adulthood she hadn’t liked her school.

Well…. I always thought my parents were over protective!! As a child I was only allowed to wear one roller skate in case I fell over. Could only ride my bike to the first lamppost in the street!!
There were loads of restrictions on me.
Probably why I’ve turned into an anxiety ridden adult!!

This thread makes OPs point make even less sense. In the previous thread she says her parents didn’t believe her when she said a teacher had been abusive… surely that’s the exact opposite of being over protective?

I think your mum was controlling and therefore emotionally abusive. Overprotective? No. I have a tendency to be overprotective with my DS2 because he's highly sensitive. I know that if I were to push him forward he would panic so I let him take baby steps and I encourage him on his way to independance. He's 11 and after having me taking him to and from school he recently wanted to take the bus home alone. He also went to the shops by himself. So he's making progress in his own pace. Would never force him into friendships but his friends tend to be gentle boys so I'm happy with them anyway.

I think it's you that has the inaccurate view of what being overprotective means.

I'm sorry that your mum was controlling and abusive, but she doesn't sound remotely overprotective.

Overprotective is like Nemo's dad in Finding Nemo.

Agree with all the other posters- your mother was controlling not over protective.

Over protective IS absolutely very damaging. It's the children who aren't allowed to do "normal" things - whether that's watch the tv show of the moment, go to the park, learn how to do basic chores, eat new foods etc - who then suffer. they are often bullied, they're excluded. They learn anxiety as a base state of being.

DH's family were over protective when him and his sister were very young (seemed to ease up in their later teen years, up to a point) . It definitely impacted both him and his sister. DH has has to work really hard to overcome a lot of that anxiety and his sister is still oblivious to a lot of it (and yes, she struggled to get out of an abusive relationship).

There must be more to this as your examples are very minor and the kind of thing every imperfect parent makes. Maybe she felt obligated to Rachel's mum the same way you did to Rachel, maybe she thought you needed more friends or was worried about you, lots of people think an imperfect friend is better than none, have you actually asked her?

I think your mum sounds more people pleaser than anything else, even to the extent of taking all the blame for the things you've cobbled together from reading around a topic and tried to shoehorn into a narrative. The school comment might have just been a step too far in you, as an adult, still calling them out on things you wish had been different. What did they actually say?

It will help you to learn from these situations and move on, have boundaries around friendships, consider other factors when choosing a school for DC, learn to advocate for yourself at the time instead of complaining later. Look forward not back. Good luck

I remember that thread well! OP you may need counselling to unpick all of this.

Your mental health issues are caused most probably by having mentally unwell parents

not complicated and you don’t need to add additional labels and explanations

mental health is nature and nurture

Is there any reason you can think of, OP, why you would WANT to define your mother's behaviour as overprotectiveness, instead of the controlling behaviour it clearly is to the rest of us? Does it make it feel better, or coming from a place of caring, when controlling usually isn't?

Thing is - to me, controlling is so close to overprotective it’s practically synonymous!!

Thanks to everyone who’s contributed to this thread even if you disagree with my interpretations etc … but thing is - I see overprotective and controlling pretty much one and the same thing!!

But is that because you were told it is? Did your mum say 'I'm only stopping you doing this/making you do this because I care so much about you?'

Take it being your mum out of the equation. If a partner did similar things and told you it was just because they loved you so much, would you still think it was overprotectiveness? Or controlling behaviour?

Control manifests in different ways.

Control can be over protective, but doesn't have to be.

But it's not close at all. I mean, I guess you're right that overprotectivenes can LEAD to controlling behaviour, but there are a million ways someone can be controlling and NOT over protective.

Is it possible that in a way, you want it to be over protectiveness because then you can at least ascribe some sense of positive reasoning to her behaviour. "Over protectiveness is bad but it comes from a place of love" vs "she didn't really care about me but only how I behaved and how that would reflect on her".