Is he depressed or just doesn't want me?

[orangeways]

Hello everyone, I'm so sorry if this post comes off as insensitive, and am happy to be told im being paranoid, but please don't flame me. I have a lot of trauma from being ghosted, men using the "slow fade" to break up, and overall dishonest behaviour. My dating journey hasn't been the best, and I've even been assaulted 5 years ago from someone I met online who I thought the world of, just for context. Here goes...

Met DP 6 months ago when we was finalising a divorce from a short marraige. Two kids. Separated for 18 months, and was miserable with her for the final 6 years of their relationship, together for 14 years all together.

When we met, he was back in the swing of seeing them after a string of access issues and her filing vile false claims against him to the police. He was pretty shaken up but seemed to be passed it. We hit it off, he was consistent, and I felt like I met my person.

He said he couldn't have them one weekend due to work, in December, and she cut off access again. Everything was fine with his mood, as he thought it would blow over, but she has really stuck to her guns and he hasn't seen them since christma and has blocked him.

To top it off, he got into an incident last year where no one got hurt, and is facing possible short sentence in prison or a suspended sentence. The investigation and wait to see if he will be charged is hanging over him. I won't go into to detail because I don't want to out myself but I'm satisfied that what happened was just one of those terrible accidents.

I've asked him so many times if he's ok with both the kids issue and the legal issue trying to be there for him - and he genuinely brushes it off and says he's fine.

Now, for the past 2/3 weeks he's been flaking on our plans, claiming to be tired, or just pretending we dont have them, and I only see him around once a week.

I confronted him after his latest flake this week, and ended it. He said he wants to be together, but he's tired, used to being alone (despite wanting to spend every second together when we first met and him claiming he hated being alone), and upset about his kids and the court case. He said once he's home on his own he gets into a mood, missing the kids, and not knowing whats going on with the legal stuff. He said he's a grown up and would end it if he wanted to. That he appreciates the chat, for me to not fret, and we will work on it.

I'm not centering myself at all - I swear, but I have a niggling feeling that not seeing his kids has actually made him go off me, and realise that our relationship was just a little fling to take his mind off his relationship ending. Miserable or not - 14 years is a long time, and I feel like even though they hated eachother towards the end, he's really upset it ended, and wishes things went differently, instead of accepting it and being happy to move on. Does that make sense?

For context, I've been badly burned twice by men claiming to "have a lot on" and be "going through things" only for it to be rubbish and a slow fade to avoid me.

I want to be there for him, be patient, and focus on myself until he's ready. I've fallen in love. But on the other hand, I'm worried I'm with an avoidant man who will say anything to avoid admitting he's gone off me. I'm also worried that if he's being honest, the distance will make us grow apart.

He messages everyday and again, so far, still seeing him once a week etc...

x

He wants you there for the comfort (and whatever else you give him) but doesn't want to be a pro-active, involved partner. Whether that's due to depression, selfishness, or whatever else I don't know.

The problem is if you let yourself be that, that's all you'll be to him. Men will only ever put just enough effort in to not lose you, so if you show them you don't need barely any effort from them, that's all you'll ever receive. It won't magically get better.

You can be patient, but the relationship won't ever be more than it is now. If he's learned to devalue you, he'll be off the moment a woman he can value comes along.

As in, you're the back up.

I'd cut him off. Tell him to reach out when he's ready for a relationship perhaps but until then, youre not into breadcrumbs and scraps of him. You might want to Google "breadcrumbing" actually, might open your eyes a little. Give yourself a little more value, because he won't do it for you.

'I'm also worried that if he's being honest, the distance will make us grow apart.'

I'd say he's being anything but honest. Red flags dripping from every pore there. Move on, it's only been 6 months. You deserve better than some idiot trotting out the evil ex wife line. Whatever this incident was sounds serious enough to warrant a sentence. Don't waste your time on someone like this. Raise your bar.

Seems like an awful lot of red flags to me honestly. I think you're better off without.

This is busy busy…honestly my philosophy was that I didn’t go through divorce etc to then be thrown into something just as bad or worse. You’re at the other side of divorce and need and deserve to be happy! Ditch this stress - he isn’t our person and he isn’t putting you first, whatever the reason is who cares!

Thanks everyone. We've been on holiday, I've met his family, who I actually have spent a bit of time with - do people breadcrumb you @agix but introduce you to their family who you spend time with? I was just with his mum and sister. He drives 90 minutes to see me weekly, it's less than before and the flaking feels horrible, but just thought I'd mention. I know I have this feeling for a reason, just wanted to give context.

It sounds like you’re being a bit naive tbh. He is being flakey with you, yet you continue to believe that he treated his wife and children well and that his wife was making false accusations and over reacting by cutting his access issues. Perhaps she had 14 years of bullshit and flakiness towards her and the kids and she’s finally had enough. You’ve also managed to convince yourself he’s totally innocent of the police charges. I suspect YABVU for falling for his bullshit.

He sounds awful to me. Couldn't have his kids because of work? No. That's not an option for their mother is it? And facing a prison sentence? God, how do you explain that to your friends and family? Mine would be horrified.

Move on!

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress I've seen all the messages of him begging to see the kids, her nasty messages back, and the documents from the police telling him no charges will be pressed against him for the false allegations she made. I've also seen messages of her apologising for making them. I agree with you though, overall, I've always sensed he was a horrid partner to her x

It’s naive to think that begging messages from him means anything? If he had been awful to them for years and she’s finally snapped then switching to begging doesn’t mean much, he’s simply putting himself in the victim role.
Lots of women drop charges and then apologise, it doesn’t mean the accusations were false.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress I can unfortunately assure you that although he wasn't the perfect partner, they never agreed for him to get them and he genuinely had to work late and said he'd get them the next morning. He was consistent and they were getting along for months. I've seen the messages - she was as nice as pie, messaging him pictures of the kids randomly throughout the day, calling them friends, saying she's grateful for him. I'm not being naive, he didn't gaslight her into saying nothing happened....she gladly admitted it and apologised and said she felt pushed to do it. Sending voicenotes crying her eyes out apologising. She doesn't love him anymore, nor is she afraid of him. The police pressed no charges. She really did just lie. She's not an evil ex at all...but that genuienely did happen.

I genuinely just wanted to know if it's normal to push your partner away in a situation like this, thats all x

Sorry he could have them on the weekend, he just couldn't pick them up on the day she wanted, and that wasn't his weekend anyway.

I think it's a big mistake getting together with someone who is coming out of a break up. You've been his rebound and it's probably never going to work in the long term. He's got a lot going on with his ex and his children and probably doesn't have the headspace for being in a relationship as well. It's also extremely concerning that he has a possible prison sentence hanging over him for the unspecified 'accident'.

Don't put your life on hold to be his therapist/support/sounding board. You need to leave him to sort himself out and get on with your life.

Yeah, this. SIL recently contacted her ex to ask him if he was planning to see their DC again any time soon as he hasn't been in touch for months. The message back was a long sob sstory about how much he loves and misses them and they are his world. But he didn't suggest seeing them. Didn't apologise for NOT seeing them. Didn't ask how they are.

If he's as awful as I suspect, she's probably got some kind of trauma bond with him too. And of course, it's April. He hasn't seent he kids from December? what is he doing about that? I lose 100% sympathy when a man claims he's being blocked from his children but hasn't contacted social services, retained a lawyer etc.

As for the jail sentence - FFS, why would you be with someone goign to jhail when you've only known him for 6 months. And as for the "incident".... I'm finding it hard to believe any incident or accident in which no one was hurt requires jail time. So either it was purposeful and planned or he someone was hurt.

It’s all far too much for a new relationship. He’s not ready and it’s unfair on you.

I waited for someone who claimed they were down and had too much going on only for them to turn around and tell me they were enjoying being on their own. Stick to ending it and if he sorts himself out to contact you.

@Endofyear He wasnt just coming out of it. They were separated for 18 months when I met him, she had a partner in that time, he was miserable with her. It's just the divorce itself took a while. He looked elated when the paperwork came through. Are you saying that's still too fresh? Genuinely looking for perspective.

Do gou really want all this drama?

Some people attract this sort if thing. He's obviously one of them.

Why don't you look for someone more settled/peaceful/honest? You've only been with him for 6 months and it's already a nightmare.

@MattCauthon

Just to be very clear, there's lots of ways someone can go to prison without hurting someone...I know the exact reason the legal stuff is happening I just don't want too many details on mumsnet as don't want to out myself. The incident happened when we just got together, all seemed well and sorted, and he never knew he was under investigation until very recently. It was a massive, massive shock to us both. I'd go as far as to say it can happen to anyone.

Eitherway, your message is super helpful and I'm not going to see him anymore. I knew I wasn't crazy - You can go through things and still show up. I don't know why he refuses to end it or accept it when I do. I actually thought he'd be relieved when I dumped him....He swears to God he isn't stringing me along and he wants a future. He swears I'm his everything. I'm actually sick of him now that I've posted this and got it out my system!

6 months in and you've got all this drama? Not worth it. He's still a boyfriend at this stage, not a partner. And hes not even acting like a decent boyfriend .

You know you deserve better. You are allowed to find that 'better'.

I can't remember where I heard it, but ending a relationship needs to be treated like grief. Your brain has wired differently to have that person in your day to day life, you can finish their sentences, predict their moves, you become a differentversion of yourself - one that is because of them. It takes a helluva a long time to become you again, a good guide is half the life of the relationship. So he'd need a good 5 yrs single before you see the real person, not the ex husband (and all that is)

Ive always used this, I split from a partner of 10 yrs and went through hell, it took me about 4-5 yrs before I was ready to date, before I felt like I wasn't the shadow of me, someone else.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress It sounds like you’re being a bit naive tbh. He is being flakey with you, yet you continue to believe that he treated his wife and children well and that his wife was making false accusations and over reacting by cutting his access issues. Perhaps she had 14 years of bullshit and flakiness towards her and the kids and she’s finally had enough. You’ve also managed to convince yourself he’s totally innocent of the police charges. I suspect YABVU for falling for his bullshit.

I also 100% agree. You are making out like this guy is an angel. He sounds like a red flag walking, and you sound like a desperate flake who would put up with anything, discount bad behaviour because a man expressed an interest, no matter if he treats you like shit just because he exists. Set some boundaries and stick to them.

Yes, oh yes, they certainly do. Some people think little of others and their feelings, including their own families, and have no problem to breadcrumb their 'boyfriends'/'girlfriends' while they have use for them by dragging in their unwitting family members. It's happened to me at least three times. It sucks. Oh yes, and the 90 min drive? Those 3 did similar for me. These type of people discard those they no-longer have use for, and it hurts when they do so. Save yourself the pain, OP, he's no good for you.

He wants you for sex but is not interested in a relationship. With everything going on, he sounds like a walking red flag op. Stick around for the sex if he’s that good in bed, but don’t expect him to change or become an emotionally healthy, involved partner.

@ExpatMum41 Thanks so much - I am a little jaded and messed up from dating....No idea whats even real anymore! Thanks for being so kind and explaining!

Sending you a virtual hug.

@toomuchfaff I don't think he's an angel....hence why I've posted on here. I actually think he's full of shit. I literally feel this depression stuff is just an excuse. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being insensitive and taking depression seriously x

Good, he is definitely full of shit and you're not being unreasonable. Ditch him and run, don't look back