Is he depressed or just doesn't want me?

[orangeways]

Hello everyone, I'm so sorry if this post comes off as insensitive, and am happy to be told im being paranoid, but please don't flame me. I have a lot of trauma from being ghosted, men using the "slow fade" to break up, and overall dishonest behaviour. My dating journey hasn't been the best, and I've even been assaulted 5 years ago from someone I met online who I thought the world of, just for context. Here goes...

Met DP 6 months ago when we was finalising a divorce from a short marraige. Two kids. Separated for 18 months, and was miserable with her for the final 6 years of their relationship, together for 14 years all together.

When we met, he was back in the swing of seeing them after a string of access issues and her filing vile false claims against him to the police. He was pretty shaken up but seemed to be passed it. We hit it off, he was consistent, and I felt like I met my person.

He said he couldn't have them one weekend due to work, in December, and she cut off access again. Everything was fine with his mood, as he thought it would blow over, but she has really stuck to her guns and he hasn't seen them since christma and has blocked him.

To top it off, he got into an incident last year where no one got hurt, and is facing possible short sentence in prison or a suspended sentence. The investigation and wait to see if he will be charged is hanging over him. I won't go into to detail because I don't want to out myself but I'm satisfied that what happened was just one of those terrible accidents.

I've asked him so many times if he's ok with both the kids issue and the legal issue trying to be there for him - and he genuinely brushes it off and says he's fine.

Now, for the past 2/3 weeks he's been flaking on our plans, claiming to be tired, or just pretending we dont have them, and I only see him around once a week.

I confronted him after his latest flake this week, and ended it. He said he wants to be together, but he's tired, used to being alone (despite wanting to spend every second together when we first met and him claiming he hated being alone), and upset about his kids and the court case. He said once he's home on his own he gets into a mood, missing the kids, and not knowing whats going on with the legal stuff. He said he's a grown up and would end it if he wanted to. That he appreciates the chat, for me to not fret, and we will work on it.

I'm not centering myself at all - I swear, but I have a niggling feeling that not seeing his kids has actually made him go off me, and realise that our relationship was just a little fling to take his mind off his relationship ending. Miserable or not - 14 years is a long time, and I feel like even though they hated eachother towards the end, he's really upset it ended, and wishes things went differently, instead of accepting it and being happy to move on. Does that make sense?

For context, I've been badly burned twice by men claiming to "have a lot on" and be "going through things" only for it to be rubbish and a slow fade to avoid me.

I want to be there for him, be patient, and focus on myself until he's ready. I've fallen in love. But on the other hand, I'm worried I'm with an avoidant man who will say anything to avoid admitting he's gone off me. I'm also worried that if he's being honest, the distance will make us grow apart.

He messages everyday and again, so far, still seeing him once a week etc...

x

You’ve only known him for 6 months and he’s already displaying a lot of red flags. You can’t say with any certainty that his ex-wife’s allegations are false because you don’t know him. You’ve believed what he’s told you, but you don’t actually KNOW him. And he’s not treating you very well. Why would you put up with this after only 6 months together?

Throw this one back and choose someone kinder.

To me this is a man who is not ready for another relationship, regardless of what he may say. He doesn't have the headspace for one, and therefore isn't particularly invested. I'd end the relationship because you actually deserve more than a man who can't give you the time and attention, to be in a relationship.

@toomuchfaff He actually has spoken very deeply about what you mentioned by the way. He was honest when we broke up and said...

"I do see a future with you, you mean everything to me, you're a breathe of fresh air, but I've just had a massive breakup, I've just gone through a divorce, I cant see my kids without lawyers, and sometimes it's all just a lot, but I do want to be with you, I'm not wasting your time."

He also said "I'm finding myself again, I don't know who I am" - and I feel that lends to the sentiment of what you were saying.

For me, I do think LTB advice can be a bit rampant here on MN. I don't think he's using me, and we've had such lovely times together, but I'm still not happy and I deserve someone who is all in. We don't need to go on holiday, or have romantic dates, I just need someone who shows up. The fact that he cant even be bothered o do that rubs me up the wrong way....even if he's being genuine...I want a man with the type of personality that want's me around and see's our relationship as a source of happiness and comfort.

"I do see a future with you, you mean everything to me, you're a breathe of fresh air, but I've just had a massive breakup, I've just gone through a divorce, I cant see my kids without lawyers, and sometimes it's all just a lot, but I do want to be with you, I'm not wasting your time."
He also said "I'm finding myself again, I don't know who I am" - and I feel that lends to the sentiment of what you were saying.

The thing is that it doesn't matter what he says, it's what he DOES. And what he does, is not be present for you. and the reasons for that may well be 100% legitimate, but that doesn't mean that you have to accept it.

I honestly think this idea that we have to work at relationships (which is true) has gone too far the other way to this idea that you have to work really hard from day 1. That's bollocks. It should be fairly easy and light and fun in the beginning. If you're having to work and compromise and accomodate from day 1, how on earth does this work when something major happens or you have a major change?

I got as far as "prison sentence". Quite frankly OP his whole life sounds like one big nasty fucked up mess. You do realise that this will be your life too, don't you? I can't imagine a world where I'd be so desperate for a man with so much wrong in his life. I'd rather stay single. For god's sake move on before you get enmeshed in all of this.

Quite honestly this man has too many problems for anybody until he fixes himself. You cannot fix him. If he's depressed he goes to his GP, ex stopping access then he needs a solicitor to gain court ordered access. HE has to do it.

Based on the rest of your posts you really need to do The Freedom Programme. It helps you spot the red flags earlier and gives you the confidence to walk away unlike all the hang wringing and angst you are doing over this.

You could easily have avoided this, it was v risky to date someone in his situations/drama with his ex, DC and not least risk of going to jail! One to have avoided.

People are not charged with driving crimes that come with jail time for nothing.

A relationship in the early days isn't meant to be hard work, it's meant to enrich your life. It's meant to be easy, butterflies and anticipation, excitement and fun.

If it isn't enriching your life, if it is hard work, if it is constant letdown, upset, trauma, drama and not showing up and all the rest; then it's not a good place to be, it's red flag central, it's time to say nah not for me, wish you all the best, good luck.

You're not meant to be his "breath of fresh air" you're not meant to be his respite, you're not meant to be his emotional support blanket.

As youve said, You are meant to have a relationship that gives you as much as you get from it. A guy that relishes you being around, who loves the air you walk on, can't wait to be in your presence, at least at first!

You say you're not centring yourself as if this is a good thing. Why aren't you? No-one else will - and certainly not this bloke. It sounds like don't think you are entitled to set your own boundaries, but you must. You can't let him decide what is acceptable. For what its worth he sounds like an absolute nightmare. Have you read about shark cages?

After I got out of an abusive relationship i spoke to a lady from women’s aid and she told me the biggest red flag in a man is when they say they are not allowed to see their children. They always say false accusations. Just something to think about.

Yes I would say it's still fresh, 18 months is not that long when coming out of a 14 year relationship and children being involved. Ideally he should have waited until the divorce was finalised and regular contact with the children established. There is also the question of his impending court case which sounds like a massive red flag. Finally, it sounds like he is fading his interest in your relationship and that could well be because he is overwhelmed with everything else going on in his life.

I agree. I think a lot of posters on Mumsnet are blinkered and think all women in a split are angelic and all men are in the wrong. It’s just not true. My husband very much went through the mill with his ex. Yes he had his faults, but he didn’t deserve what he got thrown at him. His child was very much treated like he was a belonging of his ex wife. Even her relatives agreed. Decades later it’s all calmed down now the child is grown up.

However I agree with a previous poster in that people have to grieve the end of a long relationships (usually) and although they might feel fine getting straight into a relationship, they could well waiver a few months later. I did with my last big break up. I thought I was ok bouncing straight back and dating, but later realised that I wasn’t and I needed some time alone. He probably did mean all that he said earlier, but he’s struggling now. So I think I’d step back and leave him to get through whatever he’s got to get through. You don’t need the hassle and it’s obviously getting to you.

@Loopytiles I never mentioned what the legal issue was about....No idea why you're speculating. It's not a driving issue. All I can say is it's a non-violent situation where the investigation has taken everyone by suprise.

To be clear, as it's a long post and perhaps I didn't articulate properly...

• When we met, he never ever had any custody issues or legal issues. Him and ex were getting along and co-parenting excellently. I heard them on the phone. I've seen the messages.
• His ex had just split up with someone who she was deeply in love with, but was in a whole relationship! Their divorce just took ages. They were both happy when it was finalised. She got an amazing settlement and they've never ever argued about money.
• They alternated weekends peacefully and on her weekend, she asked him to have them. He said yes, but he cannot pick them up when she wants. She got upset and blocked him. I saw it happen in real time.
• He is in the courts now to see them. The first thing he did was get a lawyer. He's just saying the battle is stressful and draining.
• When the legal incident happened, it was said that all would be well - but it went pear shaped and he was informed he was under investigation. I'm very educated and not desperate, these things happen, it's a non violent issue and he is expecting some type of punishment. Maybe a fine, maybe community service, maybe a sentence, who knows? It didn't make me run a mile because I don't think he did anything wrong!
• He has always made amazing efforts to see me. Always. It's just the past 2/3 weeks with the court date coming up shortly that he's been a little distant and flaking. Meaning instead of 2/3 times a week meeting up its once. This week has been a little different - I saw him all bank holiday weekend after seeing him earlier in the week, but he flaked on something on Tuesday again!

I literally just was wondering if depression can make you distant / flaky with your partner, apart from one person, no one has actually answered that question. Apparently someone can be going through hell and still has to hop and skip through life like nothing is happening?

Don't get me wrong, I'm ending it tonight, because i don't want to be with someone who reacts to their issues like this. I don't do well with avoidant personalities. I also do smell a little bullshit. But in general I've noticed in this thread that I'm supposed to be an idiot and he's a pathological liar when in reality the issues he's had are genuine and I've seen proof of how everything has been going down.

She has zero complaints about his parenting, she's never ever called him flakey, she trusted him implicitly, she genuinely just got upset and blocked him! I saw it! She was praising him just the week before about being a great co-parent. She's always been spiteful since they split. No he's not a saint, but she 100% weaponises the kids. He doesn't even speak badly of her, he hates mentioning her. I've seen the police reports and her apologies - she did lie!

Anyway its too much drama and i dont like how he deals with it so away i go x

@Fatrosrhun THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!! I really appreciate your measured, sensitive, thought out and non judgemental response. Thanks for actually reading my post and for not being snarky....I feel like the LTB brigade mean well, and sometimes we do need to LTB, but my God, the man is having a rough time,

I'm just wondering if it's normal to act like this, if we have a chance as he goes through it, or if it's best to fall back.

I know there's a little bullshit in there also, but overall, I know we had something real and it hurts to let go. That's all. A part of me kind of was hoping this is something we can get through. I know we can't. Even if I give him grace and believe this stuff is stressing him, it certainly has made me re-evaluate us.

One thing I do know, is that once feelings cool down after being intense, I don't believe they'll come back again. Sounds weird but the way we were when we first met seems to be lost. I feel when he does "find himself" he'll just want something "fresh" anyway x

He sounds like a mess - what’s the appeal? What does he add to your life?

To be clear, as it's a long post and perhaps I didn't articulate properly...

You did. You wrote about a person who is trying to work through many different things and is, understandably trying to figure out what to do and what's best for him. He is not in the right place for a relationship and that is why you should leave him be.

To try and pigeonhole him as depressed or (like pp said) autistic or emotionally unavailable or whatever excuse you are trying to put on him is just weird. He is too busy with LIFE. It doesn't make him good or bad, it just makes him unavailable.

I think if this was an established relationship afew years in I'd say you can get through this. But you're only together 6 months,that's really a very short time. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase where everything is light and happy. His life is a shit show right now. That doesnt make him a bad person but it does make me question why you are so willing to take on all this baggage? This is too much too soon for your relationship.

To be honest, if he's had these problems for most of your time together, why only now is it affecting your relationship? Honestly it does sound like he's cooled on you. Stop listening to what he says and start seeing what he's doing. Words are cheap, it's his actions that matter and his actions are showing you how he feels about you. Meeting once a week (probably for sex) is not a relationship.

Lastly, you seem like someone who tries to see the best in people. This is a good thing except when it comes to new romantic relationships. You need to work on getting better boundaries when it comes to romantic partners.

@INeedAnotherName I was responding to @Loopytiles who was a but snarky. I know he has a lot going on. I've let it go. I just didn't like it reduced down to "LTB" and "just sex" when we don't even really have sex when he comes over. When did I ever mention sex? He'll know I'm on my period and still come. He'll come over and not try it on at all....

@InBedBy10
It's actually not about sex. He has only been distant for the past couple of weeks and I've seen him Last Tuesday, then Saturday to this Tuesday, all without sex. I wasn't in the mood.

I'm not defending him but the truth is the truth.

Once a week has only been for a couple of weeks and this week that actually changed.

Again....he hasn't had this problems "most of the time" we've been together. That's the whole point of my post. When I met him, he never had this problems around all.

As I mentioned, and it does make sense, is that things started to weigh on him when he realised his ex wasn't just throwing a strop for a week, and he's in for a long battle for the kids. That's why things have just started to change according to him.

I'm simply asking if depression makes someone withdraw from their relationship or if he's full of it...

Yes these problems are a lot, yes they aren't ideal, but nevertheless, I just wanted to know if he's simply gone off me.

UPDATE:

Thanks for all your responses.

I've ended it.

Ultimately, I can tell the difference between depression and not being asked. I know depression makes you not want to do anything, but ultimately I can just tell he's gone off me and is stringing me along. Whether he's gone off me because of his custody and legal issues isn't my problem.

Thanks everyone who responded with care and insight.

x

I'm not centring myself at all

This stood out to me. My darling you should be. You should centre yourself! I know you’ve ended it now, but please remember that everything else is utterly inconsequential you should centre yourself in this and in future relationships - at least in the early stages. The important thing here was that he was not making you happy. That’s all. Everything else is detail.

If a relationship is making you feel awful, regardless of how understandable the other person’s position, you shouldn’t be in it.

Ummmmm .... might be spending time in prison?!?!? I don't think any more needs to be said...

the threshold for prosecution these days is pretty high!

My post wasn’t snarky, it was outright critical though. The man has a lot of red flags and would have been best avoided in the first place. Best thing you could do for yourself is cut your losses.