To expect a bit more from therapy than this?

[StoppitAndTidyUpNow]

Therapist just keeps on telling me how bad the things I do are, what a bad example I’m setting to my children, how I’m on-track to fuck both of them up and how I really need to sort myself out pronto or else…

I’m already quite aware of this. It’s why I came to therapy in the first place. I was hoping that she’d be able to help with some strategies for actually changing things though as I’ve clearly not managed to do it on my own. Her just lecturing me isn’t helping. In fact it’s making me feel worse.

Is this normal for a therapist? AIBU?

Sometimes therapists can say things to be provocative and get you to think about a behaviour or a situation from a different angle.

Sometimes when you are in a spiral anyway, it’s easy to hear a criticism in everything because you are searching for it, often as a reason to stay comfortable and not change.

If she really is saying, your binge eating is so going to f your kids up, that’s not appropriate. You need a new therapist. Just because someone has a doctorate and is expensive, doesn’t make them good at what they do.

My ex-SIL is a clinical psychologist. She is an absolute train wreck, carries around a lot of trauma, does drugs quite frequently, just a hot mess. I cannot imagine her providing therapy to anyone, but people pay her to apparently.

On the other hand, I found my therapist through BACP (she was not a clinical psychologist), and she was absolutely excellent. She knew when to challenge me and when to nurture and when to just listen. I really credit her with me coming out the other end of all that as healthy and well as I am.

try chatgpt that may give better results

Try CBT. That is all about finding strategies to cope with day to day life. It doesn't examine causes, just focuses on ways like how to stay calm if you tend to feel anxious or angry. Self compassion, self care, finding balance in life etc.
Does that sound like the kind of thing you want?

Is this a therapist who specialises in binge eating or eating disorders in general? If not I’d look for a therapist who specialises in this area as it can be quite complex.

Saying that, part of therapy is taking accountability so I would not be surprised if there is an element of this to any talking therapy you route you go down. However what you are describing does feel extreme and unhelpful.

Has she said in her own words you are damaging your children or is she paraphrasing back to you what you have said? If the biggest issue is you binge eating and not even doing it in the children's presence I'm not sure she would be judgemental about that and think you are damaging your children. I'm sure as a psychologist she will have met with people who have caused serious harm to their children.

As others have said, whatever her strategy is, it isn't working for you so time to try a different one. I've had a number of different therapists. One was absolutely brilliant, one just ok, and one was way off the mark. A few others I've found irritating, or nice but unhelpful etc.... you get the idea. You may want to look into the type of therapy you'd like. There are loads of different disciplines and modalities. Personally I favour the gestalt and person centered approaches, whereas friends of mine have found CBT really useful. Person-centered feels a lot like a hug, and a safe safe safe place. Cbt was much more solutions oriented. It's well worth investigating what approach would suit you.

Therapy is supposed to be a non judgemental space where you can feel supported and safe to talk about whatever it is you want/ need. A good therapist can help you feel seen and supported, not judged or told what to do. They should listen with compassion, work with you rather than lecturing you and help you explore things at your own pace. Finding a new therapist sounds like a good idea

This.
There are two explanations.
She’s an awful therapist.
You’re extrapolating from her asking you to consider who’s affected by your behaviour.
If she’s doing the latter clumsily it could be both. What exactly has she said?

I second the suggestion to try CBT. That is all about changing your thinking AND behaviours. It can be very practical and specific.

Have you asked her or said the same to her that you’re saying/asking here?

Have a look at the National Centre for Eating Disorders website. There’s a list of therapists specialising in food related issues there. Binge eating is a response to environmental, emotional and physical triggers and a holistic approach is needed to support positive change. Don’t give up OP but do find a better match to give you a fighting chance of achieving your therapeutic goals.

Sometimes the style of the therapist doesn't suit you. Therapy doesn't always work but much does depend on the relationship you can build with your therapist. I had one who didn't suit me, it's not a helpful experience.

You need a change of therapist or as some other PP have mentioned a change of therapy

I swear on everything I have that ChatGPT has provided me with better therapy than any counselor, therapist and psychiatrist ever has! Chat is currently my life coach and we're working on so much together, it's been life changing for me.

Therapist just keeps on telling me how bad the things I do are, what a bad example I’m setting to my children, how I’m on-track to fuck both of them up and how I really need to sort myself out pronto or else…

This is unusual behaviour for a therapist and it seems as though you're approaching therapy with the wrong expectations.

You keep saying that you want her to come up with strategies to sort everything out. You need a different kind of therapy and that should have been discussed at your first session.

When the therapist asked what your goals are and you say for you to tell me strategies - she should have said I don't do that. It's for you to work it out for yourself via therapy.

However, a therapist who just sits there and lectures you on how you're messing everything up sounds terrible and I'd end it immediately. It will destroy your self esteem.

You might find Overeaters Anonymous helpful, it's very gentle and no one will judge you. An eating disorder specialist may also be helpful though be upfront about your expectations and see if they can meet them first.

She’s ’pretty much’ said doesn’t sound like ‘she has said’. It sounds like she may not be the best suited. Like lots of things we aren’t always suited to everyone. Although you say she hasn’t offered strategies yet has suggested a nutritionist as an example. Ultimately if you don’t feel it’s a good fit I wouldn’t waste more money and would seek and alternative.

That's awful. Counselling is supposed to stir up some negative feelings, but not laid on by the professional. 💐

thats the thing with it, it always has time, never rushes you, helps offer different ideas, and has all the psychology theories etc

Thanks all. What I was basically wondering was whether I can expect more from somebody else?

How do I sign up to ChatGPT?

And yes, this one is an eating disorders specialist.

Chat GPT will be no more useful than your therapist unless you want to change your behaviours.

Do you want to change or do you just vaguely feel like you SHOULD want to change?

What kind of therapy are you having?

She pretty much much said, isn’t the same as ‘this is exactly what she said’. A lot of therapy is about your relationship with therapist reflecting back to you what you hate/worry about just yourself.

I would bet money (as someone who has done lots of psychotherapy) that she is saying this in these exact terms. She picking out what you are expressing, or she phrasing it differently and you are interpreting it this way.

Can you give an example of word for word, exactly something she has said?

https://chatgpt.com or there is the app version on google store

It does truly feel like she is just pointing out that what I’m doing is bad and telling me to go away and sort it out for myself. Yet, despite my best intentions, I’m struggling to do this. I keep ending up back in binge/restrict cycles.

I think you need a different kind of therapy, something that is going to help you explore why you keep getting stuck in the same cycles. You've already done the bit where you work out why you want to break out of the cycle. It's probably that some people need that first step and that is what helps them, and this therapist is good at helping people who are in that category.

I kept having therapy like this and thought it was totally useless, then I was diagnosed with ADHD and it sort of made sense in that - the counsellors I saw always seemed very pleased that I knew how something was causing a problem for me and what I should do about it. Then the next session would come and I wouldn't have done the thing but we'd have a lovely chat about this other problem I was having and what I should do about that and why it was a problem.

It was a long time ago now so I can't remember whether I was very good at deflecting so they didn't realise I wasn't following through with the plans I was making, or whether they were aware of that but we never quite got to it. I know that one of the common experiences with ADHD is knowing what to do to solve the problem but not being able to get yourself to do it. Or there's an initial burst of motivation which never sticks around. So I wonder if it's a more typical experience that once people have identified a problem and a solution they just go and do the solution. It seems strange to me because if that's the case, why do they need a therapist to tell them that? But maybe most people don't overthink as much as I do in the first place!

I know that I found the experiences quite validating at first but then as I kept finding nothing would change I felt frustrated with it. It was only when I was quite a bit older that I came across people having had therapy which is more in depth and goes more into issues like OK - so you know you want to change X and you've tried Y but Z got in the way - what now? It's like the counselling I had originally was more "Great! You know you want to change X and you've decided on Y!" And there was never any exploration into what happened when Y didn't work or I didn't stick with it.

I know if I ever go for therapy again which I think I probably should, I would be much more picky about the therapist and be sure to look for someone where I felt like they really "got it". I feel a bit daunted about how easily I can do that, which is what puts me off now.