I’m finding a situation with my parents quite difficult and I need to know if I am being unreasonable in how I navigate it.
DH and I have three children - 6(m), 4(m) and a baby (f). We live in London, about five minutes from my husband’s parents. My parents live in a village which is about an hour and 20 minutes drive from us. I’m currently on maternity leave but usually work 3 days per week, DH works full time.
I have a generally good relationship with my parents, who are kind and supportive - but frequently difficult - people. They love the kids and will happily spend time with them. However, it is very much on their terms only. They very rarely come to us as they’re real homebodies, but they would ideally like me to bring all three children to them every week.
I feel they also like the idea of having the children round more than the reality. They’re very kind to the children, but I can see they get irritated and exhausted by noise and mess. The kids are nice, easy-going children, but they aren’t going to spend a day somewhere without getting things out to play or chatting to us and one another. If they get out a puzzle, however, my mother is immediately fussing about how they’ll need to tidy up soon etc. Her house is not at all child proof. She hates when my boys want to play in the garden because she thinks they’ll trash the flowers - something they’ve never done and wouldn’t do.
My mother in particular is also very addicted to her phone, to the point where it’s hard to get her attention sometimes to talk to her. This can incline her to just put some godawful YouTube dancing fruits on the tv so she can scroll in peace. Often I feel like I’m making a nearly three hour round trip just to look after my children in a house which is much less set up for them than my own, while my mother ignores me because she’s online shopping or watching reels.
My inlaws are very different. I get on brilliantly with them and they’re the most active and involved grandparents. They’re the types to call in the morning and ask if I want them to take the older kids swimming, or they’ll come and spend a morning doing ironing or DIY to help me keep on top of things. They play brilliant, engaged, active games with the kids. They seem to really enjoy their company. They’re really respectful of our choices, follow our lead and just want to be helpful and present.
The issue is that my mother has seen at a few events recently where everyone has been together that my children are much closer to my in laws than to them, and she is whole heartedly blaming me for this. Her view is that it’s because I facilitate more contact with the inlaws, spend more time with them, and let them have the kids more. She seems to think that if I took the kids to her every week like she wishes I would (I tend to only do every 2/3 weeks), they would have the same relationship as my in laws do. While I’m on maternity leave she seems to think I should be bringing the younger two multiple times per week, just to sit in her house.
She is a very defensive person. If I told her the reason my in laws are closer to the children is because they put in more effort and work with us instead of expecting us to do all the running, she would be furious. She can be cruel when she isn’t getting her own way (but very kind, generous and thoughtful at others).
Do I need to be doing more to facilitate her spending time with the kids on her own terms? Will I regret not doing so when she’s dead, even though it’s exhausting and unrewarding at the moment? Or do I keep things the way they are and let her enjoy the fiction that it’s my fault?