In the way I am handing my almost 8 year old

[Wishbone436]

I had Parents eve with my 8yo sons teacher today & was told that when they went swimming (first time with school) he was openly laughing at kids in his class that couldn’t swim/were scared. We had only spoken the evening before about how some kids may never have had the opportunity to learn to swim, while others may be much better than him & both being fine. This in addition to his competitive nature in sports leading to him having an “I’m better than you” attitude. I was so embarrassed & annoyed.
The rest of his report was good - working hard, hitting or exceeding targets, good friendship group & gels well with the class. Which is great. But I feel super strongly about his behaviour & I feel like he has quite an entitled attitude. I accept that the blame is partly on us as parents, as we work hard to give him & his sibling all the opportunities & experiences we can. However I constantly speak to him about how people’s experiences, talents, opportunities etc are different. He also has an older sibling with a severe learning disability, so he is fully aware that some people face massive challenges & he is so kind & supportive to his brother.

We had a very long chat this afternoon about why he would do what he did. We spoke about the impact of his words on others & what makes a good friend.

He has also written a paragraph around this for his English homework.

He has been grounded. He has agreed that it is appropriate to apologise tomorrow to the children he laughed at, which I will speak to the teacher to ensure happens. I have also reached out to a friend who runs a local food bank to look at us spending some time there volunteering. I hope this will help him to understand that not everyone is fortunate enough to put food on the table, let alone afford swimming lessons.

i don’t want to be overly harsh, but I also don’t want to raise a horrible, entitled brat! Is that enough? Too much? Not enough?

Did he say why he was laughing at them, especially after you had spoken about it beforehand? I think I’d be focussing less on the consequences and more on what exactly was going through his head when he was laughing. For the teacher to mention it it sounds like it was pretty bad.

If I’m honest it sounds like he might be making all the right noises to pacify you but doesn’t really agree with what you’re telling him.

Maybe you’re overdoing the talking about not everyone is good at everything, has the same opportunities etc and you are making too much of a thing of these things.

Hmm, tough one

Is it possible that the older sibling get a LOT more attention than him??

Because it sounds like he's overcompensating in some way

I think it's perfect!

We try so very hard to ensure that isn’t the case! He has his own time & space with hobbies and 1:1 time

Maybe. I addressed it because I saw some glimmers of the behaviour & thought it was best to address. If the card is flipped & someone is better than him, and highlights it, he gets upset

Be hard on him for making fun of other kids just because it's mean. I don't think you need to tell him they can't swim because they can't afford lessons that could backfire with him making fun of them for being poorer than he is

Nope, just he doesn’t know. Thats my issue, it’s obviously not been a little snicker (which estill would’ve been wrong).

that is exactly what I’m worried about .. hence my question really. I don’t want him to “Yes Mum, No Mum” & carry on. I want him to SEE & UNDERSTAND!

that wasn’t the only reason I gave. Probably badly written. I explained a number of reasons why they may not have learned. I’m more looking at how to enforce the message

Are you sure you aren’t being OTT here? Both with ‘preparing’ him for coming across non swimmers, and with the punishment. It’s very ‘we are privileged, be nice to the little people’, and of course you need to crack down on bad behaviour and it’s great you are doing so. But I’m not sure if it may just be a little OTT for an 8 year old. Your intentions sound great I’m just giving a balanced opinion on how your post came across to me (an adult who can’t swim, but is not underprivileged either, I just hate water).

Oh, I did explain that. Must’ve misunderstood

I think you have done enough to punish him, and I am not sure I would have done the food bank thing. Making sure he apologised to his class mates was the main thing and to try and make him think about how he would feel if it had been the other way round.
I accompanied a lovely class swimming once as a TA and again there was a real mix of abilities. This class stand out in my memory purely because of the support they gave to their classmates who were terrified, crying their eyes out, refusing to get in. No one laughed at them, some were trying to help talk to them and show them it was ok. It was really lovely to watch.
I have not seen that level of support again.

I think you are going a bit ott especially by expecting him to apologise. Let the school take the lead, and if they think an apology is appropriate then thats great. You are right to have words and let him know how disappointed you are. But kids make mistakes and really you need school to be active - what did they do at the time? Did they challenge it?

God that’s defo not the intention at all! We are a working class family, not some rich, high flyers. I really don’t know. I started talking about this stuff because I saw the “im better than you” creep in. I absolutely despise it! It really bothers me! I don’t believe people should be judged based on what clothes they can buy, what they look like, what they can or can’t do … I also despise bullying. I was trying to get those messages across. Kids grow up so quickly now & have so many more influences. He is restricted online but so many of his friends aren’t & he picks up alsorts from there about what’s “cool” 🤯

Ok. I will take that on board. I wasn’t sure the school approach was the best .. she said she told him how brilliant his swimming was but some children are scared .. that’s sort of it. And I don’t think he should’ve been told he was great when he was effectively telling others the opposite

This. It comes across as you're superior as a family.

Hes just an obnoxious 8 year old, don’t over explain just nip it in the bud. And if you are explaining others can’t afford swimming and food and he’s so privileged etc then yeah, that’s ’we’re better than them’ to someone who’s not mature enough to understand. Not everything needs full explanation when they’re just kids

I think if this happened with my DC I’d concentrate on kindness. So if my DC did something nice and kind, I’d point it out, even if it’s a small thing such sharing a toy with a sibling.

So you’d ignore your child laughing at and making fun of other kids? How’s that right?

I absolutely wouldn’t ignore it and going forward I would concentrate on kindness so my DC starts to feel good about themselves when they are kind.

Is that a thing, given the age? I feel a bit blind with my older child having SEN, it’s sort of new territory.
maybe I am trying to teach the right thing in the wrong way, I hadn’t really thought about him taking it that way

I haven’t actively done that yet, so maybe that is a stretch too far. That’s beautiful & exactly how it should be

The food bank as punishment is OTT and is more of the “ we are privileged look at those poor people who can’t afford food “ I think it will back fire ,
just tell him his words and action were nasty and must not happen again and that both you and the teacher are looking out for kindness

however well you manage the situation he is growing up in a family with severely SEnd sibling and maybe lashing out ? What are his feelings about the hand life has dealt him ? Does he feel upset he doesn’t have a typical older sibling ? This is obviously a tough conversation to have and one that needs revisiting as the situation progresses

you are doing a good job , don’t over think it too much

You sound like a lovely mum who is trying to do her best. I've a son who is a little older and he seems to have been born with a superiority complex that we certainly didn't give him. We take his interactions with others very seriously, while also giving him lots of love and affection. I think you're right to take it seriously but don't get too bogged down by it. Having a consistent message an response to things like this as he gets older will help him to get the message as he matures. Mumsnet will come to all sorts or crazy conclusions about your parenting, your son and your family situation but, fwiw, I think you're right and I don't think you seem like your family is superior to others at all .

I agree with the poster who said concentrate on his kindness and give him lots of praise for being nice and considerate and less focus on all the negative punishment's you have planned