In the way I am handing my almost 8 year old

[Wishbone436]

I had Parents eve with my 8yo sons teacher today & was told that when they went swimming (first time with school) he was openly laughing at kids in his class that couldn’t swim/were scared. We had only spoken the evening before about how some kids may never have had the opportunity to learn to swim, while others may be much better than him & both being fine. This in addition to his competitive nature in sports leading to him having an “I’m better than you” attitude. I was so embarrassed & annoyed.
The rest of his report was good - working hard, hitting or exceeding targets, good friendship group & gels well with the class. Which is great. But I feel super strongly about his behaviour & I feel like he has quite an entitled attitude. I accept that the blame is partly on us as parents, as we work hard to give him & his sibling all the opportunities & experiences we can. However I constantly speak to him about how people’s experiences, talents, opportunities etc are different. He also has an older sibling with a severe learning disability, so he is fully aware that some people face massive challenges & he is so kind & supportive to his brother.

We had a very long chat this afternoon about why he would do what he did. We spoke about the impact of his words on others & what makes a good friend.

He has also written a paragraph around this for his English homework.

He has been grounded. He has agreed that it is appropriate to apologise tomorrow to the children he laughed at, which I will speak to the teacher to ensure happens. I have also reached out to a friend who runs a local food bank to look at us spending some time there volunteering. I hope this will help him to understand that not everyone is fortunate enough to put food on the table, let alone afford swimming lessons.

i don’t want to be overly harsh, but I also don’t want to raise a horrible, entitled brat! Is that enough? Too much? Not enough?

Thanks for your comment.
The food bank wasn’t intended as punishment as much as a learning experience, and certainly wasn’t intended to give that message. Considering the replies I can see that won’t communicate the message I’m intending.

i do wonder that but he never expresses negative feelings around it, but he must have at least some. It is hard. It is something I will continue to explore

Thank you for such a kind reply. I’m glad it isnt only me! I am rattled at how fast my baby has grown up, but also where this attitude has come from! I hope a firm & consistent approach will help 🤞🏻

I see nothing wrong with recognisig he is a good/excellent swimmers and explaining others haven't learnt yet.

The rest of your post is OTT.

He's learned because you can afford it, or prioritise his lessons, or give him access to things is just reinforcing your beliefs others who don't swim as less than you ( I know that's not your point but could be perceived like that).

You absolutely should not take him to a good bank. What if he sees a neighbour or a friend and they are poor for needing free food - again I know not the real reason but an 8 year olds perception.

Come down hard on being mean, conversation, grounding maybe but that's it.

Your heart is in the right place and with a kind patient parent he should grow to become a kind young man but with his current behaviour (which is most likely a phase) I would go very lightly on telling him other kids are poorer etc because it could backfire with him making fun of them for being poorer than him etc.
Keep punishing the meanness but I don't think explanations about other families finances are a good idea at this stage xx

I agree OTT… at this age I’d be kind of blunt with him. “I heard reports from your teacher that you were laughing at some of the kids during swimming. Knock it off… Laughing at kids who haven’t learned to swim would be the same if they laughed at you for <pick something he’s not great at>.” This would lead in to the empathy discussion.

I kind of got lost in all of the punishments you came up with so that tells me it’s too much. I’d let the school handle it and would keep an eye out for repeated issues.

I think the food bank is a red herring and might be lost on him tbh. Or might even make him think you are rich.

I would probably take the tack of thinking of something he struggles with a bit (there must be something?) or something he’s never done before, and ask him imagine how he would feel if he was giving that activity a go and someone who could do it already and found it easy was laughing at him.

I always tell my son that I know the real him, the boy with the big heart who is kind to his baby sibling and who is so loving, but when he behaves in an unkind way, other people don't get to see the real him. That we have a choice to make a difference to someone's day and to look back and feel proud that we made someone's day/week better. That when we look back on how we treated people, do we want them to remember us for being kind or for hurting them? We've started talking about not having to blurt out every thought that we have and if we wouldn't like someone to say it to us, we shouldn't say it to them. I do also teach my kids not to be people pleasers alongside this, but that's another story (and actually not something my son suffers from!). We want our kids to be good, moral, decent people and I've probably gone OTT about it at times, but to be honest, I feel like my kids deserve to have these principles spelled out for them, and I owe it to myself as a parent to know that I tried my best to instill these values in my kids (if they do ever turn out to be psychopaths!) 😄

Eight year olds don't have a fully developed sense of empathy or social skills yet. I wouldn't worry too much about him being a terrible person long-term, it's quite normal for kids of this age to be unpleasant in one way or another. Keep on with what you're telling him, but expect it to take years to sink in rather than weeks.

I'd cancel the food bank trip, that does stink of poverty tourism however well intentioned it was. A better lesson would be to chat about how some people struggle, the ways in which people struggle and then ask HIM to come up with an idea to help people. Also, make sure you're modelling this behaviour...they do as you do not as you say. Are you regularly volunteering at the food bank?!

Rather off topic but how do KS2 children get to the stage of being “terrified, crying their eyes out” at the idea of getting into the shallow end (I am assuming as they must be non-swimmers) of a swimming pool? Such a failure of parenting and another example of parents expecting schools to step in and teach kids stuff they should be learning at home. It’s super sweet that their classmates were encouraging but it’s ridiculous that they were in that state in the first place.

I think you are the person OP is trying to stop her son becoming.

Love this.

I wonder whether this is his resentment and insecurity about his high-needs sibling coming out when he is away from the family. You say he is kind and supportive towards his sibling at home, which is great and I’m sure he knows you approve of that - but he is a child who will have other, less edifying feelings which he struggles to process. In an environment which is about him and his abilities/achievements, away from you and his sibling, maybe he is letting those feelings out? He is probably not aware that he is doing this. I think you are doing the right things in terms of making space for him to have 1-2-1 time etc, but growing up with a disabled sibling can be hard. I am not sure punishment, or banging the drum about how fortunate he is, is going to do much good here (and I would let the school discipline school behaviour). Just talk to him and try to explore what is making him want to put others down and emphasise his own superiority. All behaviour is communication.

I think you're right to talk to him and have him apologise. The writing in his book and the food bank thing might be a bit over the top. I'm sure you asked him to put himself in the other children's shoes and imagine how he'd feel if someone was laughing at him and making fun of him.

He's 8 and he's still learning this stuff. I'm sure we can all remember instances as a child when we've been less than kind. He'll get there, if you're consistent and model the right behaviour for him. Kids learn more from what they see than what they're told.

It is hard having a siblings with disabilities, not just the attention element but on how other people sometimes react. Is there a chance he may have seen people treating/speaking about his elder sibling differently/poorly and he feels angry so let's that out by doing the same to someone else?

I usually flip the conversation with my kids - how would you feel if someone said/did that to you? How would you feel if your friend/brother/sister/someone else they care about was treated in that way? I'm not sure it is the right approach but I feel it gets the point across.

I think you’ve gone far enough and risk being OTT

I think Food Bank and grounding him were overkill, especially when you'd spoken to him, the school spoke to him, plus he wrote around it for his homework.

I agree with this.
A conversation about other people's feelings is all that is needed and a question about how would he feel if someone laughed at him for something couldn't do along with modelling and praising good behaviour is all that is needed.
The incident happened at school so it's for them to deal with it. The punishment just seems very over the top and I don't think it will help him understand why his behaviour was hurtful.

Why? As an adult I would be kind and sympathetic to the children, and encourage them gently to overcome their fear. I would however be silently judging their parents.

Super appreciate all of the replies, even the (expected) judgy ones! I may have gone OTT & will can the food bank visit as it no longer seems appropriate or to be delivering the message I had intended. We had another good chat at bedtime & I feel like the steps we have taken so far have been appropriate. But there is work to do on reinforcing this going forwards.
i do absolutely appreciate the challenges of having a SEND sibling & this will never no be a focus for me - I know how hard having a SEND child can be!
both my children are my world and I want them both to thrive & have the childhood they deserve.
i appreciate the comments that feel that behaviour at school is for school to deal with, but in that, I do disagree. I feel that school can take steps, but essentially it is for the parents to deal with.

We do similar to you in terms of discussions. We talk about how we are lucky to be able to afford things and not everyone can. We also discuss the value of money e.g. we could have 1 day out at the theme park or 4 trips to soft play for the same price and what would we prefer.

In terms of swimming, I doubt he was thinking 'poor kids couldn't afford swimming lessons' and more 'I'm super good at this and you aren't'. Showing off is quite normal but it's obviously unkind to laugh. I would focus on that rather than too much about why they can't swim. It isn't necessarily due to money. One of mine swims like a fish, the other one can't swim because we stopped his lessons as he got too upset.

It sounds like you are doing a great job though!

This is also my gut feeling. He’s too young to grasp that and is just using it as leverage, so you’re essentially teaching him he’s privileged. I’d lay off it for a while…

For what it’s worth OP I think you’ve handled it brilliantly. I talk a lot to my 6 YO about the impact of other people’s words & to have a ‘if someone said that to you how would you feel’ stance before they may speak unkindly. Good on you for taking it seriously. I’m sure he meant no harm & neither would my child but that’s not the point.

Also I don’t think you’re being OTT. If more behaviour like this was addressed & stamped out in the first place, starting with how we speak to each other, I reckon a huge amount of negative behaviour wouldn’t decline further.

This age is very normal to go through a self centred, main character syndrome phase. I have a 7 year old know it all who is excellent at everything apparently. I try to focus on kindness and would say “we don’t laugh at people, it’s very unkind” without going into reasons. I would also keep explaining strengths and weakness and might say “your a good swimmer but you can’t sail a boat” how would you like it if a sailor laughed at you (or other thing he wouldn’t be offended if I say he’s not good at)
I agree with other posters that you are focussing too much on the privilege in the situation, which would be more appropriate if he was laughing at someone going camping when you were off to Mexico for a month. I can’t see a 7 year old linking a non swimmer to being poor unless you highlight that link which is unnecessary. It’s purely an I can, you can’t situation which is just unkind. 7 year olds haven’t fully developed empathy yet - as their worlds still revolve around themselves a lot!