MIL - normal or annoying?

[Dalmatian0]

I’ve always had a good relationship with my MIL. She is kind, generous and cares a lot about her family. Only recently (after many years of knowing her) have a few things started to grate on me, particularly relating to the baby I am expecting this summer. Are these red flags, or are my pregnancy hormones making me unreasonable?!

• Told us, unprompted, that she won’t be going away for all of my due month. We haven’t asked for this, if anything I think I’ll want space at that time, rather than relatives buzzing around. They live 1 hour away. She wouldn’t just turn up would she?!

• Recently offered her second home as holiday for my DH and me, but then turned up to join us (we knew she would join for the final weekend, but she ended up coming four days early! This was to be our last solo holiday pre baby so bothered us a bit, though of course it’s her home and hospitality so we couldn’t really complain)

• Bought a gift for my baby (3 months before due date and following multiple miscarriages). I was outwardly grateful but inwardly uncomfortable. I have only just started to get one or two small things myself - although perhaps that’s what made her feel it was okay

• Whenever she is with wider family she is constantly doing tasks to help (making food, washing clothes, offering childcare, clearing up - all of which is unsolicited and exhausting - we don’t want any of it. I really prefer to do my own washing!! if we’re together we want to spend quality time, not feel like there’s a competition to be the most selfless / helpful

• She has a slightly strained relationship with her DH (I think because she always puts her adult children first and often dismisses / ignores him - so it can be stressful being with them as there is tension simmering away

• I have heard her undermine her DD + DSIL’s parenting - criticising (very normal and healthy) foods they eat, saying their DC should be using cutlery when parents had just said this wasn’t necessary, etc. Seems irritating to me, I would say they are both great parents

Honest thoughts welcome. Thank you!

I do sympathise. She doesn't sound to be top of the class in emotional intelligence. The only person you can change is yourself. I would
suggest subtly distancing yourself so you don't have as much to do with her. Good luck

To be honest none of these seem too terrible to me .
Avoiding holidays around your baby’s due date: seems reasonable, surely they be able to visit once it’s born ? I’ve seen many a thread here with the opposite, “ my parents/ in-laws have booked a holiday when my baby is due, don’t they care “?
Holiday - annoying but it is their place.
Buying baby things - I get it as I’ve had miscarriages too , but if she hadn’t experienced this she might not, and if she’s seen you buying things she may think it’s ok ?
Doing your washing etc- if you don’t like it her son needs to say no thank you.
Her marriage - no idea on this one !
Criticising others parenting- are you perhaps projecting that she might do this to you? No one likes criticism, if it happens to you you’ll need to perfect the ignore and rise above it technique!

There's nothing there that couldn't be sorted with a bit of basic communication.

If she visits the baby when it's born, what relatives would be 'buzzing around'?

Again, it's about communication I think.

Many congrats on your pregnancy, Dalmation, esp after losses.

I have had 5 babies (and some loss too). I am now ancient. I would say that these things are small and if - overall - your MIL is a good egg, try to let go what you can.

I see it in real life, on here and in my own younger self that we (I) can make mountains out of molehills. It then becomes the narrative.

If you can, let it go. I have genuine shivers-of-shame moments where I think back on my attitude towards my loving and caring MIL when we were all younger, even now. Don't make my mistake - concentrate on the big things, let the little things go.

Enjoy your pregnancy and your days with your little one, it's a special time and I am sending you all the luck.

X

I think by the sounds of it she means well. Their generation is so different, the way they brought us up. I get annoyed also, especially now when it comes to feeding etc. some help might be good especially in the first month, I would accept some if you can. The seconds one's weird! The gift, probably just excited grandma

Poor MIL, I’m one and from reading MN you can’t get it right. Offer too much help and interest you’re annoying. Don’t and you’re cold and uninvolved. Sigh…..

It's called being appropriate!

Sounds like a perfect MIL compared to most you hear about on here!

You need to find the recent thread where one took her recently post partum DIL lingerie shopping in order to re-ignite her son’s sex life..

Yep .

Criticising a sibling's parenting is a no no. She should zip the lip on that.

But I do think it is important, as with all interpersonal relationships to try and put oneself in the other person's position and let that dictate your response, and maybe even your feelings.

Firstly she has a less than ideal relationship with her OH. Wherever the blame lies for that (though blame might not necessarily feature) you have apportioned blame to her. It may be that her concentration on her children is because of the poor relationship and not the cause of it. We can never get inside someone else's relationship and do not know what difficulties she might have endured from him behind the scenes.

She has brought up her children in the context of a difficult marriage so has probably had to make compromises with her own needs and has simply done her best. That is all any of us can do.

She offers their holiday home and you get a free holiday. She may not have known that you were looking forward to it as couple time.

It may be that she has her own struggles ... her family have flown the nest and she is left without a role and having to find new meaning in her life and new ways of relating to her spouse, when that in itself is hard. It may be that she is not a bad person at all ... simply someone at a transition and with her own challenges.

I suppose I am saying that it might be good to cut her a bit of slack. We all do things that irritate others sometimes but with no bad intent. It may be that you will find yourself in a similar situation one day and would appreciate some understanding. You have many years yet in which to have to relate to her and need to find a positive way of doing that.

I speak as a mother, mother-in-law and grandmother. I have had to learn how to do these things as well as I can, just as you have had to learn to parent by experience. You will have got things wrong sometimes as did/do I, but nothing your MIL does is with bad intent it would seem, so maybe try to reframe all this.

I repeat that I absolutely do get how being critical of an AC's parenting is not right. Maybe you could say, "I do understand that this is not how you might have done things, but I am sure your DD would appreciate your support of her parenting. They are doing a great job. Different times different ways."

One problem is that when something/someone gets under our skin, we start interpreting their every action in a negative way when objectively there might be another way of looking at it.

Good luck with all this and with your new baby to come.

from someone who has no family, on either side, who helps or gives a shit, I would literally give up a kidney for a MIL like this.

Maybe she is a bit annoying at points or isn’t perfect, but she sounds like she’s trying in her own way. I’ll take her if you don’t want her.

(for comparison my own mother went on holiday during my known/ pre booked induction due date and left me entirely alone, my husband was stuck abroad (work) and I had no body to take my toddler. I was high risk, couldn’t go into hospital despite health problems for me and baby as the only option was to put my 2 yo DD into temporary foster me care.) she knew this and extended her holiday as my dad didn’t want to come home yet.) hopefully that’s some perspective.

She's trying to be helpful and thoughtful but if it's too much then either you or your DH need to tell her explicitly. Don't hint, or beat around the bush.

Although from re-reading your post the only bit where she was wrong was coming four days early to the holiday home. Nobody would think that was acceptable, pregnancy or not.

@Dalmatian0 good luck with that mother in law!! do you have a room for her to stay in????

I would be worried about the implication that she intends to be around a lot when the baby is first born, I wouldn't want this either, I didn't have anyone visit for the first week and didn't have anyone visit for more than an hour or so after that until we were more settled. Everyone is different, some people want visitors, others aren't comfortable, its okay to do what's best for you.
If she would just turn up to the holiday home then yes I would imagine she would just turn up at your house expecting to see the baby.
If you want time alone after the baby is born, tell her that now and that you'll let her know when you're ready for visitors.
It does at least sound like she's helpful which is actually my bugbear for postpartum visitors, wanting to come to cuddle the baby (benefits them only, my baby wanted to be firmly attached to my nipple at all times and wasn't happy held by others!), expected to be waited on etc when I was exhausted, bleeding, would've appreciated someone else hanging the washing out so I didn't have to. But again, if that's not helpful for you, then its okay to tell her that you're more comfortable doing your own washing etc and want to enjoy the time with her!
Its also totally fine to tell her that you don't want comments on your parenting unless you specifically ask for advice.
It is irritating, but unless you communicate then she can't be expected to change her behaviour and you'll just resent her without giving her the opportunity to find a way for you to both be comfortable with the relationship.
Overall though, having a child is often a trigger point for difficulties appearing in a MIL relationship, particularly if there's a feeling of ownership there.

I think you’re overreacting and being a bit unreasonable. She’s trying to be helpful and supportive by the sound of it. But maybe I’m biased because my MIL is a truly terrible person, and your MIL sounds nice.

Turning up early and criticising others isn’t great but the rest sounds fine to me. No one is perfect and it sounds like her intentions are good.

I’m pretty sure I recall a ‘DM booked a holiday around my due date’ thread.

Do you have a good enough relationship with her that you can speak very honestly about some of these things and your concerns?

She'll be excited about the impending birth. I imagine will be putting her helping trousers on and expect to be around a lot. You need to be clear about the space you want at the start etc and make sure you and DH are on same page.

The holiday - even though it is her holiday home, turning up would be rude. Turning up a bit early I think less so as she was already coming for the weekend. But it is close to the line.

If you can, let her help, give, love. @Mischance I think sums it up perfectly

She just sounds very excited about the prospect of being a granny. I was extremely precious when pregnant and looking back pretty horrid to my mum as wanted everything to be perfect (I have had missed miscarriages too). Looking back she would have done anything for me, and she has done through all the baby years when we were sleep deprived and desperate for some support and childcare and even now when they are teenagers and need some space from us. We couldn’t have done it without her. if you can, try to think of the bigger picture. Good luck with your delivery x

Thanks all! Some wise words here 🙏

I don’t see anything wrong with anything that your mother in law has done, and I can’t imagine having not wanted my mother in law or my mum around after I’d given birth. And, assuming they weren’t eating sandwiches or finger food, I’m a bit speechless thst you think she was wrong to tell her grandchildren that they should be using cutlery!

Re the cutlery - they are very young!

Well that would depend on their ages and the food.

Most 18moths should be using some form of cutlery.

How young is very young? If children are old enough to feed themselves, then surely they are old enough to use cutlery? Sandwiches, pizzas etc are ok but I don’t ever remember a time when my daughter didn’t use cutlery to eat a meal once I’d stopped feeding her as a baby.

If she’s generally kind and you get on, then I wouldn’t worry too much about most of this - I’d have been irritated by arriving early to your holiday and a bit put out by hearing her criticise others’ parenting (as I’d worry she’d criticise mine too), but the others aren’t too bad. When I was pregnant I also got irritated by my otherwise lovely MIL, because I was irritated by everything, and am glad that I bit my tongue at the time as with hindsight I can see I was being unreasonable!