MIL - normal or annoying?

[Dalmatian0]

I’ve always had a good relationship with my MIL. She is kind, generous and cares a lot about her family. Only recently (after many years of knowing her) have a few things started to grate on me, particularly relating to the baby I am expecting this summer. Are these red flags, or are my pregnancy hormones making me unreasonable?!

• Told us, unprompted, that she won’t be going away for all of my due month. We haven’t asked for this, if anything I think I’ll want space at that time, rather than relatives buzzing around. They live 1 hour away. She wouldn’t just turn up would she?!

• Recently offered her second home as holiday for my DH and me, but then turned up to join us (we knew she would join for the final weekend, but she ended up coming four days early! This was to be our last solo holiday pre baby so bothered us a bit, though of course it’s her home and hospitality so we couldn’t really complain)

• Bought a gift for my baby (3 months before due date and following multiple miscarriages). I was outwardly grateful but inwardly uncomfortable. I have only just started to get one or two small things myself - although perhaps that’s what made her feel it was okay

• Whenever she is with wider family she is constantly doing tasks to help (making food, washing clothes, offering childcare, clearing up - all of which is unsolicited and exhausting - we don’t want any of it. I really prefer to do my own washing!! if we’re together we want to spend quality time, not feel like there’s a competition to be the most selfless / helpful

• She has a slightly strained relationship with her DH (I think because she always puts her adult children first and often dismisses / ignores him - so it can be stressful being with them as there is tension simmering away

• I have heard her undermine her DD + DSIL’s parenting - criticising (very normal and healthy) foods they eat, saying their DC should be using cutlery when parents had just said this wasn’t necessary, etc. Seems irritating to me, I would say they are both great parents

Honest thoughts welcome. Thank you!

I think it's pregnancy hormones tbh and I'm postpartum currently!

The only ones that would grate for me would be turning up on your holiday early and criticising others' parenting.

I love my MIL but found she had her moments like joking about my weight while I was pregnant, implying she would be coming to do overnights etc once I gave birth (I got DH to reassure me that nothing would be arranged or agreed without me saying so, as I wasn't sure how I'd feel or what I'd want until I gave birth. I went to a birth centre for aftercare anyway and wanted to limit visitors initially - PIL saw our baby the day after birth, and close family the week of, after we came home). She was very helpful cooking for us (though she'd tried to tell me not to bother batch cooking for the freezer as she'd be helping and actually I'm extremely glad I did!)

Since the baby was born she's ruffled my feathers a bit wanting to hold him for whole visits, asking me things like if he needed changing (at 7 weeks - think I was on top of it by then!) and has kept trying to get us to give him formula when he's thriving on breastmilk.

I needed to find my confidence to go get my baby back when needed but otherwise I now understand it's coming from a place of love and I've just learned to either ignore the suggestions/comments or say why we're doing differently. I felt a lot less bothered about her wanting to hold him so much once I'd established breastfeeding, started getting a bit more sleep myself and started enjoying more cuddles with my baby myself - the very early days I was putting him down for every nap and desperately trying to sleep while he slept in the daytime.

I think you prove your parenting works over time anyway and I'm grateful my son has a grandma who loves him so much. I really do think pregnancy hormones make you quite territorial!

She sounds lovely! YABU but forgiven because you're pregnant 😊

I would have been INCENSED if either my PILS or DPs had booked holidays around the time I was due both my babies 😂

Plus I know both sets of parents raise their eyebrows at my parenting occasionally and may have even made a comment behind my back (oh the horror) but then I frequently criticise their parenting so I can’t worry too much about it 😂😂😂

I know they all love us and adore our kids so I let the rest slide. The good far outweighs the slightly irritating and having a supportive family network counts for so much.

I think I’d be optimistic OP that she is going to, on balance, be a lovely grandmother to your child. The rest will work itself out as long as you communicate clearly with her.

You’re overreacting. All of these are normal living things to do except for the tension with her son and maybe turning up early, but as you said, it’s her house.

This

Candidly I can only dream of a mil like this.

Mine is more likely to book a holiday and demand dh goes with her (and expect him to pay for it for them both) and do it when I'm 7 or 8 m pregnant.... then cry hysterically when he tries to explain the timings not ideal.

I think that lady actually performed a useful service.

It means that till the end of time, the rest of us can say to our sons and daughters in law, "Well at least I'm not as bad as her!" 🤣

She sounds like a good egg who lives her family. The only thing that is a bit full on is the visit to holiday home - but that can be solved with a chat.

You’re completely over reacting.

The main thing out of these is turning up to your holiday - that’s pretty crazy. A lot of the other things are irritating but a bit more meh.

I’m a MiL and this is my interpretation:

• Told us, unprompted, that she won’t be going away for all of my due month.

She’ll be there if you need her.

• Recently offered her second home as holiday for my DH and me…

She misjudged and was wrong to do this.

• Bought a gift for my baby.

She followed your cue and felt able to show her excitement.

• Whenever she is with wider family she is constantly doing tasks.

She remembers how tiring life can be is trying to help. Perhaps her own DM and MiL didn’t step up and she doesn’t want to be like them.

• She has a slightly strained relationship with her DH.

It’s so much easier to be irritated by your spouse than find fault with your perfect DC!

• I have heard her undermine her DD + DSIL’s parenting.

She needs to accept parenting is different than in her time and should button her lip. Perhaps her need “to offer the benefit of her experience” overrides her tact. She probably berates herself afterwards but can’t control herself at the time. A gentle reminder from you is all that’s needed.

Tbh she sounds a good ‘un OP. It’s a learning curve for both sides but you’ll get there.

Your poor MIL

So for the confused MIL, what is the appropriate level of help? Please clarify.

Nothing too terrible.

Due date - she’s excited, wants to be there to offer support and/or see newborn baby.

Holiday home - yes, annoying she turned up early

Gift - again, excited , probably saw it and thought that would be lovely for baby Dalmatian

Helping out -,washing clothes and making food is a bit much, not so much clearing up. Have you told her not to do this?

Insolicited advice - I can see this is annoying

I think the key is boundaries and communication. If you don’t want her advice, doing stuff etc, tell her. Also, if she offers to stay when baby is due or born, then declineSimilarly, you say when she’s allowed to visit, Get dh on board.

My advice is to start as you wish to continue. It’s far easier to establish boundaries from the beginning than later, when behaviour is well-established.

None of these seem awful to me. Regarding the cutlery, how young are they? We started with a spoon in the yogurt at 6 months (BLW) and adding a fork around a year (sometimes just played with, sometimes an attempt to use until around 2) a knife we added a bit later around 3/4

I'd say normal AND annoying. Our kids' grandparents do variations of this. I think it makes you more anxious when you're pregnant/ have a small baby and then it works itself out as they get less excited and you establish boundaries.

My father is obsessed with laundry and does it to help out when they stay. He does so many unnecessary washes but it keeps him happy so we let him. We get pointers on childcare from my mother which I either note is outdated, just ignore or take onboard. I just remind myself it comes from a place of love and push back as needed on some things. I think it's part of being a new parent.

This

Sounds like she frequently, small-scale, oversteps boundaries. The holiday thing was ridiculous of her. I would think you need to be very assertive and clear with her about your boundaries. The slagging off of other family members and their parenting is a red flag. All of this behaviour is stuff that's best dealt with by being very direct and nipping it in the bud. Actually lolling at the 'poor MIL' comments.

Tbh all of that sounds pretty normal and totally fine. Turning up early to her holiday home was a little annoying, but it’s her house.

God what a bitch.

Don’t worry. You’ll realise you were overreacting in 20 or so years .

I think she sounds like a lovely, kind & considerate person and you are lucky to have her in your life

These all sound fairly minor in the grand scheme of things. I’m sure there are things you do or have said that get up her nose rightly or wrongly. No one is perfect.

In the end what matters is if she’ll love your children and respect the fundamental boundaries. I’ve never forgotten thinking that MiL was another person that would go through fire for my children.

My daughters-in-law tell folk I am great, and having me in their lives is like having a second mum, so I suppose I’m doing okay.

But I’m not perfect, and I’ve had to learn to be that okay mother-in-law. I know I’ve done things that annoy them, because they tell me so: ‘what we’re doing works for us’, for example, and they and my sons have no hesitation in being clear about expectations - a son will say ‘we want Christmas to be just us, do you want to come for new year’ or whatever.

I’m an adult, I can deal with people having ideas that are different to mine, or with them setting boundaries. What I can’t do is read their minds to judge what they find acceptable. Just speak up - with your husband - about what you want.