DP making plans on my Birthday

[Flowersinajar]

Before I start I fully appreciate that some people aren’t really bothered about birthdays but I do like to do something on my birthday whether it be a meal or a night out so to that extent that’s important to me.

My DP has a friend who has a big birthday coming up, his birthday is the day after mine but as his birthday falls on a Sunday he is having a big party on the Saturday which is my birthday.

So I’ve overheard my DP telling one of his friends about how he was thinking about hiring a mini bus to go to the party with a load of his other friends. Now I’m not against going to the party but I am quite upset he hasn’t even bothered to speak to me about it, I would have appreciated him saying I know it’s your birthday but I’d like to go to friends birthday, we can do something on the Friday or go out for lunch before the party if that’s ok?

AIBU to be upset by this? Just after some outside opinions before I bring it up in case I am BU.

Just to add he is also going out with his friend on the Sunday which is his actual birthday aswell.

A big birthday is a one off, a regular b.day is every year.
I’d have automatically assumed DH would be going to his friends big party tbh.

Is there a reason you can’t just say to him ‘if your going to X’s party, can we have lunch together on my birthday, or go out the Friday night to celebrate early’?

If this lack of thought is part of a pattern then perhaps rethink your relationship.

YANBU, It's very thoughtless.

I suppose if it had been the other way round I would have spoken with him about it which is why I’m wondering if I shouldn’t judge by own standards. It’s a big birthday, there’s no issue with him going, it’s just the lack of discussion about it. Equally I wouldn’t make plans with other people on my birthday without speaking to him about it first.

mine and DPs birthdays are a few days apart so I’ve suggested we go away the weekend before for it for both of us instead of buying presents but nothing has come of it even when I bring it up again.

I think YABU. It's a big birthday party, and you can have a meal out any other day. He will still be with you during the day I'm sure.

I’m ok with that, just would have appreciated him actually speaking to me about before making plans. I am actually invited to the party.

He should have asked since the party falls on your actual birthday. But I think he's coming across as not making much of an effort for you and being more interested in a piss up with his mates, since you mention wanting a weekend away to mark both your birthdays and he hasn't bothered to plan or discuss this further with you - is he taking you for granted in general?

Maybe he has assumed that he would take you out on the Friday night but hasn't told you as it's a surprise? 🤷🏼‍♀️

he not really a surprises type of guy but first time for everything isn’t there 😂

My DH definitely wouod have checked with me. And I would have said go for it, as I'm not much into my birthday. But I think it's important for him to check with you. His mate has a birthday same day as mine, and he would always invite me along, although often it's not something I'm keen on, but I do appreciate the thought.

Do you have children, and are partners going? Is this a long term friend you know well also, or just a casual acquaintance of your DH?

Was the first you heard of it him talking about the bus, or you both got the invite so you knew about it?
That makes it even less of an issue then, hes not leaving you home alone on your birthday, you can also go to the party.
It's just not something I'd be upset about personally, it's a big birthday and it's logical that it will be on the Saturday that just happens to be your birthday. I wouldn't expect him to miss a one off event that he doesn't have a say in the timing when he can take you for breakfast or schedule a dinner on another evening.

I really have no issue with the party but just feel he should have discussed plans with me before making plans with all other people about going but happy to accept if i am BU. I know his friend well so again no issue with going, I have even thought since it would be quite nice to ask if its ok for my friend and her husband to come along which I know wont be an issue with DPs friend.

not to drip feed but we had the same issue last year but in reverse as it was my big birthday and I had a party on his actual birthday and he just called in for half an hour on his way out for a big family meal/night out which is probably why I was unsure about what we would be doing.

I just suppose I expect that as adults in a relationship we should have the courtesy to discuss things with each other before making plans with other people especially if its one of our birthdays.

It doesn't really sound like you are a joined up team tbh. He is very much living independently from you and perhaps you're upset by that?

Your boyfriend is in the wrong

He should have spoken to you first, a relationship needs communication to work. Not only did he fail to talk to you first, he has been completely thoughtless to your feelings.

At the end of the day I would tell my husband to go to the big milestone birthday party but I would be hurt if he didn’t even bother to speak to me before agreeing to go.

mine and DPs birthdays are a few days apart so I’ve suggested we go away the weekend before for it for both of us instead of buying presents but nothing has come of it even when I bring it up again.

The big party is a red herring imo. Is there any other signs in your relationship where he doesn't value you or your opinion? Does he react badly or "out of character " if you say no?

Edit -
not to drip feed but we had the same issue last year but in reverse as it was my big birthday and I had a party on his actual birthday and he just called in for half an hour on his way out for a big family meal/night out which is probably why I was unsure about what we would be doing.
Another red herring. Your DP already had his own plans. You may or may not have been part of those plans.

I don't think it being a big birthday excuses the situation. It's on your birthday, your birthday as his partner should trump a friends IMO. I would have the same opinion as you though, it's not that going to the friends birthday is a problem, especially if you haven't planned anything for your own before the friends party came up, it's the total lack of communication

at the time I overheard I was caught off guard and said oh have you booked a mini bus and he said its either that or stay over, I said its my birthday though and he said I know, your coming, I said you haven't even asked me and he responded with you aren't invited then.

I think if it was the other way round I would have said to him its friends birthday party, I'd like to go and would like you to come with me but understand if you want to go out with your friends instead for your birthday and I would have made plans for him the day before or for lunch on the day.

I said its my birthday though and he said I know, your coming, I said you haven't even asked me and he responded with you aren't invited then.

no no OP he sounds like a twat

"at the time I overheard I was caught off guard and said oh have you booked a mini bus and he said its either that or stay over, I said its my birthday though and he said I know, your coming, I said you haven't even asked me and he responded with you aren't invited then."

Disrespectful and fucking rude.

This is not a partner if he's blowing off your birthday two years in a row.

You guys have terrible communication and he takes you for granted, to say the least.

Bloody thoughtless of him. What is he like in other ways OP?

at the time I overheard I was caught off guard and said oh have you booked a mini bus and he said its either that or stay over, I said its my birthday though and he said I know, your coming, I said you haven't even asked me and he responded with you aren't invited then.

What did I say before you posted the above?
Your DP already had his own plans. You may or may not have been part of those plans.

He is living his single life. You can either join him or not, but your views do not matter. He's telling you loud and clear you are not important to him, any woman will do.

You’re totally unreasonable, unless your big birthday last year was 10.

You’re invited to the party, so it’s not even like he’s chosen to leave you alone whilst he goes to the party!

Of course he’s making travel plans if lots of you are going to the same party.

You're now going to invite people to his friends party, which is rude. Presumably you think this is reasonable as it means you celebrating your birth day with your friend?

I get that some people aren’t particularly into birthdays, but I don’t understand adults behaving like children about birthdays.

Read the whole thread before you comment

Having read your further posts it reads to me that he thinks your attending the birthday bash of his friend is going to be YOUR birthday treat!

As his wife your birthday should trump his mates but I guess from his cruel because his friend had a milestone birthday it somehow trumps your 'ordinary' birthday.

Are you married/living together?
How long have you been together?

He sounds quite thoughtless, and I’d be cross in your position too. Have a think about if this is the way you want your life to go.