Page 2 | DP making plans on my Birthday

Flowersinajar · 2025-04-23T08:39:09+00:00

Before I start I fully appreciate that some people aren’t really bothered about birthdays but I do like to do something on my birthday whether it be a meal or a night out so to that extent that’s important to me. My DP has a friend who has a big birthday coming up, his birthday is the day after mine but as his birthday falls on a Sunday he is having a big party on the Saturday which is my birthday. So I’ve overheard my DP telling one of his friends about how he was thinking about hiring a mini bus to go to the party with a load of his other friends. Now I’m not against going to the party but I am quite upset he hasn’t even bothered to speak to me about it, I would have appreciated him saying I know it’s your birthday but I’d like to go to friends birthday, we can do something on the Friday or go out for lunch before the party if that’s ok? AIBU to be upset by this? Just after some outside opinions before I bring it up in case I am BU. Just to add he is also going out with his friend on the Sunday which is his actual birthday aswell.

ZippyDoodle · 23/04/2025 14:11

I would expect him to think of me and/or speak to me in the first instance. I wouldn’t be precious about the bus or friend’s party but I would like a chat/plan about my Birthday first.

This reminds me of an ex-boyfriend. I was always an afterthought. Note that he is an ex! DH would absolutely think of me first before making plans. What’s the point in being married otherwise?

What’s the rest of the relationship like? Is this the tip of the iceberg?

ZippyDoodle · 23/04/2025 14:12

Derbee · 23/04/2025 13:29

You’re totally unreasonable, unless your big birthday last year was 10.

You’re invited to the party, so it’s not even like he’s chosen to leave you alone whilst he goes to the party!

Of course he’s making travel plans if lots of you are going to the same party.

You're now going to invite people to his friends party, which is rude. Presumably you think this is reasonable as it means you celebrating your birth day with your friend?

I get that some people aren’t particularly into birthdays, but I don’t understand adults behaving like children about birthdays.

What?!

Read the thread.

Original poster

Flowersinajar · 23/04/2025 14:33

we are living together, been together 5 years, lived together for 2.

he can be really loving and we have a great time and do lots together most of the time but like this if I raise anything I'm not happy about he can become really defensive and doesn't listen and will sometimes make me feel like I'm BU which is why I just want an outside opinion. I don't think communication is our greatest skill and its becoming quite a problem tbh. Things can turn quite quickly (always usually my fault) then i either get treated like the enemy or get the silent treatment until he is out of his mood with me. I guess we need to talk and something needs to change.

OP posts:

AprilBunny · 23/04/2025 14:38

Plan something with him for Friday night or with your girlfriends on Saturday night if you don’t want to go his friend’s birthday party.

Sulu17 · 23/04/2025 14:39

Don't marry or have kids with this man, OP. Seems to me that he's fine when everything is going his way, but turns nasty if something doesn't go his way.

Whynotaxthisyear · 23/04/2025 14:40

If everything else between you is fine, I would not worry about this.

Mrsttcno1 · 23/04/2025 14:43

I wouldn’t be bothered about this as it’s a big birthday, I would have assumed that would take priority just like in the future when it’s my big birthday mine will take priority.

CanOfMangoTango · 23/04/2025 14:44

He's a selfish arsehole.

Living his best single life and expects you to fit round what he wants to do.

The fact you get the silent treatment if you don't go along with what he wants just reinforces it

He's no good OP. Sorry, but a decent guy would want to celebrate your birthday over his mates big birthday. He would want to do what you want to do on that day. He hasn't even asked you!

Bin him off. This won't be the only way he displays startling lack of consideration, tell me if I'm wrong.

cestlavielife · 23/04/2025 14:48

I guess your birthdays are too close together
It will always be an issue
Find someone with a birthday in a different season

Or accept he will never discuss or put you first

Imagine kids in this relationship!

susiedaisy1912 · 23/04/2025 14:51

He should at least mention it to you and have a discussion about it but I think he should go to the friends ‘big’ birthday party as it’s not every year it happens.

INeedAnotherName · 23/04/2025 14:53

Flowersinajar · 23/04/2025 14:33

we are living together, been together 5 years, lived together for 2.

he can be really loving and we have a great time and do lots together most of the time but like this if I raise anything I'm not happy about he can become really defensive and doesn't listen and will sometimes make me feel like I'm BU which is why I just want an outside opinion. I don't think communication is our greatest skill and its becoming quite a problem tbh. Things can turn quite quickly (always usually my fault) then i either get treated like the enemy or get the silent treatment until he is out of his mood with me. I guess we need to talk and something needs to change.

So he is nice when things go his way but if you ask for consideration or say no he blames you and stops talking?

Look up emotional and/or coercive abuse.
Look up stonewalling.
Look up DARVO.

He's not a good man, or kind. Good and kind men stay good and kind when their partner asks for support or equal consideration, they don't become angry, or blaming, or punish their partner. He's training you to ignore your needs unless your needs, wants and desires are what he wants too.

It's time to leave this unequal, unfulfilling relationship because it will never be supportive or a true partnership.

Arancia · 23/04/2025 14:56

Your boyfriend is basically telling you that his friend's birthday matters more to him than yours. Honestly, to me, this would be a dumpable offense.

Endofyear · 23/04/2025 15:10

Flowersinajar · 23/04/2025 10:11

I’m ok with that, just would have appreciated him actually speaking to me about before making plans. I am actually invited to the party.

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Why have you not spoken to him about it? Why wait for him to say something? If it's important to you, speak up, don't be passive!

Secondguess · 23/04/2025 15:14

The birthday plans are a red herring. You're never going to be his priority. That's what you need to think about.

cordelia16 · 23/04/2025 15:17

Mrsttcno1 · 23/04/2025 14:43

I wouldn’t be bothered about this as it’s a big birthday, I would have assumed that would take priority just like in the future when it’s my big birthday mine will take priority.

but he didn't do anything for her big birthday last year.

cordelia16 · 23/04/2025 15:17

Secondguess · 23/04/2025 15:14

The birthday plans are a red herring. You're never going to be his priority. That's what you need to think about.

exactly this

Original poster

Flowersinajar · 23/04/2025 15:26

Endofyear · 23/04/2025 15:10

Why have you not spoken to him about it? Why wait for him to say something? If it's important to you, speak up, don't be passive!

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I hadn't given it much thought and expected that if he was going to start making arrangements then he would speak to me about them as he is clearly communicating to other people about the night, just not me

OP posts:

Original poster

Flowersinajar · 23/04/2025 15:29

cordelia16 · 23/04/2025 15:17

but he didn't do anything for her big birthday last year.

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sorry, i tried to edit and it wouldn't let me, it was my big birthday last year and DP did make an effort, it was DP's friend who called in for half an hour as his birthday and mine are a day apart so the same situation but in reverse. my big birthday party of the day of DP's friends actual birthday.

I am also friends with DP's friend and his partner, we socialise and go away together once a year

OP posts:

Hellosaidfred · 23/04/2025 15:31

Flowersinajar · 23/04/2025 14:33

we are living together, been together 5 years, lived together for 2.

he can be really loving and we have a great time and do lots together most of the time but like this if I raise anything I'm not happy about he can become really defensive and doesn't listen and will sometimes make me feel like I'm BU which is why I just want an outside opinion. I don't think communication is our greatest skill and its becoming quite a problem tbh. Things can turn quite quickly (always usually my fault) then i either get treated like the enemy or get the silent treatment until he is out of his mood with me. I guess we need to talk and something needs to change.

He sounds like my ex friend, 80% of the time lovely and 20% a narcissist that if I mentioned something she said or done I wasn’t happy with it is my fault or she got defensive.

Communication is key, if he can’t give you that, the relationship is going to struggle

cordelia16 · 23/04/2025 15:33

Flowersinajar · 23/04/2025 15:29

sorry, i tried to edit and it wouldn't let me, it was my big birthday last year and DP did make an effort, it was DP's friend who called in for half an hour as his birthday and mine are a day apart so the same situation but in reverse. my big birthday party of the day of DP's friends actual birthday.

I am also friends with DP's friend and his partner, we socialise and go away together once a year

Show quote history

ah okay. thanks for clarifying.

CandyCane457 · 23/04/2025 15:39

I can see where you’re coming from with this.
Youre not saying you don’t want him to go to his friends party.
You do understand that this is a friends big birthday and it’s important.

But you would have liked a conversation with your husband beforehand, where he showed he still cares about your birthday and wants to make it special for you. I’d feel the same. I’d be sad if my boyfriend just made a plan to go out on my bday with his friends, without talking to me before and making me feel special by saying he’ll take me somewhere nice the day before!

Original poster

Flowersinajar · 23/04/2025 15:58

CandyCane457 · 23/04/2025 15:39

I can see where you’re coming from with this.
Youre not saying you don’t want him to go to his friends party.
You do understand that this is a friends big birthday and it’s important.

But you would have liked a conversation with your husband beforehand, where he showed he still cares about your birthday and wants to make it special for you. I’d feel the same. I’d be sad if my boyfriend just made a plan to go out on my bday with his friends, without talking to me before and making me feel special by saying he’ll take me somewhere nice the day before!

this is exactly it, thanks for summarising better than me!

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/04/2025 22:25

Yanbu. My friends have hosted big parties in boyfriends parties before and I've always checked out how they felt about it, made sure I did a special meal or lunch with them
First, toasted them at midnight too etc etc