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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To talk to MIL about how much ‘stuff’ she buys the kids?

29 replies

Blazepidgeon · 23/04/2025 03:26

I have a very sweet MIL who is excited to be a granny to our kids and my two kids from a previous relationship. I get it, being a granny is exciting, I would be excited as well, it’s lovely. And it’s so nice that she treats her step grandkids the same, she’s a gem.

However, this often manifests itself in a way that honestly feels like love-bombing, especially in terms of gift-giving. We live in a pretty small house, so we’re quite careful about what we buy and bring into the house. It’s also just one of our parenting goals to raise kids who don’t feel they need a lot of ‘stuff’ to be fulfilled and have a real gratitude for the things they have. So at Easter the kids get one nice egg and they’re so happy with that. At Christmas we do the ‘something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read’ thing and a few small stocking gifts from Santa. Again, kids happy and really value their presents.

however MIL will get them gigantic sacks full of presents, two sacks each AND a Santa stocking. It’s ridiculous, like, can’t fit them under the tree or in the living room, we have to open them over several days. And the kids just end up ripping the presents open and putting them to the side because there are so many, so aren’t really appreciating them. I’m sorry to say at the end of the Christmas period we tend to have a present amnesty and some years the kids have ended up donating about 70% of their gifts. She will knowingly give multiples of things that they already have. Last year she gave us all items that she admitted she didn’t even know what their purpose was. It’s crazy.

this year at Easter she said she was going to organise an Easter egg hunt, lovely, the kids got 10 cream egg sized hollow eggs each, which was more than enough. They had a lovely time. We were grateful that she’d put in the effort to do it and she’d organised some games. Really special. But then out comes a plastic storage box full of eggs. The kids get two full size Easter eggs each. Then she brings out random gifts, with their boxes filled with loose sweets. Then more big bags of sweets. A tray of Reece’s eggs for our 5 month old baby…
We ended up leaving with bags and bags of stuff and the masses of gift giving really dominated the day, rather than the egg hunt, games and family time.

my partner is on the same page, but refuses to talk to her about anything (like, wouldn't even talk to her when she wasn’t buckling the kids into the car correctly) and says ‘you can’t stop her’. I completely disagree and think we need to ask her to respect our parenting values, and feel it’s important that our kids overriding memory of their granny isnt extreme gift giving.

WIBU to ask her to kindly and inoffensively
tone it down? And how could I do that without sounding like an uptight killjoy?!

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock000 · 23/04/2025 03:32

Yes, do it kindly.
It is possibly her way of show affectionate, it is too much and unnecessary.

Perimama · 23/04/2025 03:36

Yes, you must say something. My MIL was a bit like this but not quite as bad! I think she may have a shopping addiction! Maybe you could kindly suggest a limit and let her know that you really appreciate her.

Maxorias · 23/04/2025 03:39

I totally get you. But I'm not sure there's a way to do this without hurt feelings. Maybe frame it in a way of "we want the kids to enjoy time with you rather than have them focusing on the gifts" and "instead of buying them stuff if you really want to spend money on them how about you do...(insert whatever you'd be happy with - could be money on their account, or experiences to enjoy together, etc)

autisticbookworm · 23/04/2025 03:41

Yes say nicely it’s too much and suggest she opens a bank account and puts money in at Easter birthday and Xmas (plus buying 1 or 2 gifts)

doodahdayy · 23/04/2025 03:42

Does she ever ask what they want for gifts? If so I’d then say something small as you don’t have the space. My in laws are lovely but were so much like this when ds1 was first born. They aren’t quite as bad now. We just keep repeating that we have a tiny house and don’t have the space for huge presents. You just have to keep repeating it.

Tbrh · 23/04/2025 04:34

Can she keep the toys at her place? My parents are like this, but all the stuff is at their house for when my DC goes there

Cuppa2sugars · 23/04/2025 05:00

I know someone like this, my aunt, and when I told her it’s just unnecessary, she said it’s her way of showing her love. Doesn’t know how else to prove her love.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 23/04/2025 05:38

autisticbookworm · 23/04/2025 03:41

Yes say nicely it’s too much and suggest she opens a bank account and puts money in at Easter birthday and Xmas (plus buying 1 or 2 gifts)

There is nothing wrong with asking to reduce the quantity of gifts but suggesting money as an alternative is crass

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 23/04/2025 05:46

I would try so it in steps so encourage her to give smaller items first and then try and reduce amount.

do they have Yoto players - cards for those could be a good suggestion as don’t take up space.
Or encourage her to get them a day out instead.

Evaka · 23/04/2025 05:47

My SIL's in-laws are similar. Literally gave a van load of plastic shite to a baby and toddler a couple of Xmases ago. It's the only way they know how to show love so tread carefully, you could really hurt and confuse her OP. My SIL challenged gently and got absolutely nowhere. She just accepts it now.

JustAMum31 · 23/04/2025 05:58

@Blazepidgeon Firstly, your partner needs to get over the “there’s no stopping her” issue - especially with things like car seat safety!! That’s ridiculous! I’d have lost my shit at DH over that!

With MIL, I’d definitely talk to her about it and try to do it gently. I think how she takes it is just going to be down to her as a person tbh.

I’d tell her that I’m so grateful for the time and effort that she puts into being in our kids lives and that I’m so thankful that she happily treats all the kids the same. Then just say that when there are occasions such as Christmas or Easter you’re having a hard time fitting in all the gifts that she buys and you don’t feel like the kids really get the use out of them because there’s so many. I’d probably ask if she’d mind doing it a bit differently this Christmas and sticking to no more than X number each (whatever you’re happy with) and suggest that if she did still want to treat them beyond that then what about a membership for a local attraction that you can all make use of together?

TammyJones · 23/04/2025 06:02

Perimama · 23/04/2025 03:36

Mine too.
She just did it for herself, to make herself feel good
it stopped because she knew I took stuff down the charity shop almost immediately
she still provided lots of tat for her other grandchildren.

Lioncubhearted · 23/04/2025 06:17

My MIL also went a bit mad with all the gifts. I refused to say anything because she's my MIL and I didn't want to look like the evil DIL!

The last time she gave them so much, I let the DC set up their toys in the living room. When DH complained they weren't in their room, I said there wasn't room because of (list of what his mum had given them). After a couple of weeks of stepping over their things to get to anywhere in the flat, he said he was going to say something to her. I suggested he suggest she take them somewhere for their gift. Ever since, she's given them a voucher for a day trip with her. First it was the local farm and zoo, now they're older and can travel further, it's the science museum or theatre. Means she gets to see shows FIL doesn't want to see! The DC's actually prefer it.

So, to start with, make it DH's problem. He has to out away all the chocolate and hand it out bit by bit. He has to sort the toys and find a home for them.

Cucy · 23/04/2025 06:49

I would tell her not to spend so much money and that any gift from her will be appreciated and that it’s her presence that the kids love the most.

If that doesn’t work then I’d get DH to speak to her about storing stuff at hers because of lack of space.

But honestly, this isn’t a hill I would die on.
She gets lots of enjoyment out of it and the kids will absolutely love it and it’s creating very fond memories for them.

Find places that you can donate the older toys to like women’s shelters or children’s homes, instead of just charity shops and they will benefit from this too.

Austenpirate123 · 23/04/2025 06:55

I would go carefully. It’s her way of showing love. I think a gentle conversation that you are struggling for space. Also I think the voucher for a day out idea is great.

menopausalmare · 23/04/2025 06:57

My mum and MIL got into a bit of a present- buying competition. Firm words were needed, plus bagging up excess toys to take home with them to play with at granny's house. It soon calmed down.

WoodyOwl · 23/04/2025 06:59

Yes talk to her. Explain how much you appreciate that she treats your kids the same, but with 4 kids you are running out of room. See if she would be open to getting the kids a season ticket to a local activity/tickets for a day trip/panto/theatre trip rather "stuff" you have no room for.

Stellaris22 · 23/04/2025 07:05

Definitely say it nicely and nip it in the bud. My family get mountains of stuff for my DD which she doesn’t need and we want her to appreciate what she has rather than being spoilt. The worst thing is I keep saying not to get those quilted coats that aren’t actually waterproof as they’re awful, but she’s got loads because of them and we don’t have space. If they discussed it I’d ask for a proper, thin waterproof coat and a decent jumper (the correct way to be waterproof).

Wolfpa · 23/04/2025 07:09

Could you ask her to be involved in your traditions? Give her the task of buying the something to read gift?

MumofSpud · 23/04/2025 07:10

Anything / everything I give my grandchild my DiL does not take home and leaves it in my house.
I guess this is how she deals with me giving too much or things she doesn’t like (?)
TBH this does hurt a bit (it’s not about space as we both have small homes!

Bournetilly · 23/04/2025 07:14

Could you suggest she takes them out for the day/ gifts an experience?

Or keep some of the toys at her house, say you don’t have room. She might end up buying less if they are at her house,

Cherrysoup · 23/04/2025 07:16

MumofSpud · 23/04/2025 07:10

So ask what she wants rather than just buying stuff. I love the day out idea, maybe get to spend time with the dgc and the rest of the family rather than be hurt because she doesn’t want random gifts? Win win!

Lioncubhearted · 23/04/2025 07:25

@MumofSpud why don't you open an honest conversation with her then? "I've noticed you're leaving toys here", you could then ask/say:
if she feels obliged to leave them here because you bought them?
if they're not toys the DC are interested in?
you don't have space and acknowledge they probably don't either.
Would she be happier if you bought one gift plus a day trip for everyone (or just the DC if they're old enough)?
Or a season ticket somewhere?

Too many toys was definitely overwhelming and stressful rather than enjoyable for my Dc when they were younger, they would get more pleasure out of a single, well thought out gift plus time with MIL.

Viniagrette · 23/04/2025 07:27

I think you've got to gently explain that you cannot keep the amount of stuff that she is giving because either it's not healthy for the kids (eg mountains of sweets/chocolates) or because you don't have room in the house (toys/clutter/etc) and that not being able to keep gifts risks upsetting your children and creates a lot of difficulty for you. Also, that you would prefer to spend time enjoying activities with her than opening gifts.

Another thing would be to leave a lot of stuff behind. So, we don't have room for it at our house, we're going to leave it here / it would be nice if they can have some of this stuff at yours. Then it will be her space that is getting filled up, and she won't be able to as easily put out of her mind what she's already given them.

Asking for money to put into savings / days out vouchers instead is a potentially good idea, but she may not go along if basically she loves shopping for stuff.

The other solution if you can't fix your MIL is to get yourself set up with boxes and you can prepare Christmas gifts for needy children, but you'd need the time and organisation for this however it is something you could do with your children. Also, if what she's giving isn't of a good enough quality to make nice gifts then that's quite hard to manage.

TammyJones · 23/04/2025 12:10

MumofSpud · 23/04/2025 07:10

@MumofSpud
so you would rather she filled her small house with stuff, than you fill your small house with stuff?
have I got that right ?
and you feel hurt because of that?

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